extended weekend

Hello, just popping in quickly for an update. I'm at my parents house for the weekend for the holidays and whatnot. I did my two thanksgivings for sure, but I will be back to blogging on Monday evening.

I hope you all had a happy and healthy thanksgiving! Thank you for the positive supportive comments lately, it is always appreciated. See you monday!

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exercise for the weak

Day two of my intuitive weight loss, as I'm referring to it was a bit easier with a small loss of control during holiday baking.

The past few days I have had some serious lower back pain, the kind that radiates down through my thigh, leg and then foot. Without two advil every few hours I would have been wobbling around the house. Lower back pain for me is a sign that I need to exercise more. It all started about a week ago when I was bending way down and reaching for laundry at the same time. I find getting laundry out to be totally awkward. I've been spoiled by the fluff and folds in nyc for too long.

Anyway, the bending and grabbing action coupled with little exercise and a weak midsection and all that: major lower back pain. Not having health insurance and not believe it was anything I couldn't cure with exercise I went to the internet for a solution. What I found was a huge resource of exercises specifically for lower back pain.

I was a little worried that doing them would make things worse, but I was willing to give them a try. After a lot of research I found that exercise is the best way to eliminate back pain. I did a few back arching stretches and leg pulling ones too on the floor yesterday morning. At the gym I got on the stability ball and did a few more moves trying to strengthen my lower back and abs.

I did 30 minutes on the elliptical which would have been longer if I didn't find myself completely famished. Then I got in the steam room for 15 minutes. I'm a new fan of steam rooms!

Yesterday morning I started with a cup of coffee (i love my senseo!) and ate a turkey sandwich with a little mayo, provolone and tomatoes on sourdough bread. A couple hours later I had another one and then a string cheese.

We went out to Josh's dads house and then to the gym. It didn't even occur to me that I would be hungry by the time we made it to the gym. Now I know to be prepared with nuts or jerky or something in my purse next time. My stomach was grumbling and angry. After the gym we went to the store and then went to Hardees on the way home.

We normally don't go to hardees, but I knowing I had a lot of baking ahead of me I knew I didn't want to cook other stuff in the kitchen. I got the charbroiled chicken club and a side salad and used half of the ranch packet.

When I got home the baking started. I really thought I could control myself, and I think I could have if I had chewed gum while baking. I will remember that, but I found myself taste testing more than once.

This morning (thanksgiving morning) I'm up and for the first time in over a week I don't have lower back pain! I'm going to stick with my lower back exercises, but its so amazing how quickly I feel better. I can get through the day without any pain medicine and I love that.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

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the shift

A huge weight has been lifted since I've written my last two posts. I also feel a shift in my perception of weight loss. It's gradual and I feel a lot of my old habits trying to creep in, but the shift is happening.

Yesterday morning I woke up and got on the scale: 283.

I wasn't hungry so I made a cup of coffee with a little of that sweetened creamer. I still wasn't hungry, but knew I should eat something so I decided to eat some eggs.

Eggs give me energy and keep my full. Usually when dieting I think about food a lot, and when I'm in "I'll diet tomorrow" mode, I want to stuff everything in my mouth.

Yesterday, I still felt myself wavering and had to look for the trust. I kept reminding myself to trust the process. I didn't linger too long in negative self-talk.

Late afternoon when I was hungry again I made chicken and vegetable pot-stickers.

Mid-day hit and a few things happened that made me feel sad and insecure. That is when I realized the role that emotions play in my overeating. I already knew this, but sometimes its so mindless that I never realize that when I'm upset I turn to food.

I didn't want dessert, I wanted to feel better.

I found myself thinking "I should make my thanksgiving desserts early" but I didn't because I knew I would sample them.

I found myself opening and closing the refrigerator, freezer and pantry. Just looking for food to distract me. There was nothing easy to go for except for string cheese and spinach, so I gave up. It was pretty funny, I looked like a lost dog looking and contemplating for something to take the edge off. I even started to thinking "eh, I could eat a dessert today and start this whole intuitive thing tomorrow".

And there it is. Right there, I felt a shift when my second thought was "I don't just start and stop this, this is always happening. not tomorrow, not next week. Right now." It wasn't a moment of strength because I honestly was feeling down, it was just a moment of clarity.

As the evening rolled on I drank a glass or two of wine, made a baked potato and just moved on.

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That is a word that has also been on my mind for a very long time. If what I've been doing isn't working for me, I can't just throw in the towel. I need to find another way of doing things.


I read a commenter yesterday who said "If i'm not losing weight, then I'm gaining". And that really applies to me, in the sense that if I'm not dieting then I'm eating too much. If I'm not exercising then I'm doing the total opposite. What haven't I been doing? Listening to my body.

I've been eating things even when I don't want them because I feel like I should eat them because I'm not dieting. Deep down, I enjoy exercise, but I don't do it unless I've planned it out. Unless its been scheduled in, unless I'm in "weight-loss mode". It doesn't need to be this way.

I'm spending a good deal of my life planning. Figuring things out. Researching the right way. All the while, waisting a lot of time not doing or moving forward.

I am not losing weight because I'm using dieting as a crutch. A diet to give me permission to eat dessert on occasion, a diet to give me a structure and a diet to tell me what is good for me. I know what is good for me.

I know that sweets (especially in the morning) and high carb foods make me so lethargic that I can't get anything done. They do not give me fuel or energy. They do not fill me up. They do not make me feel good or happy. I know that if I eat smaller meals at night time I lose weight. I know how much I should eat in order to lose weight. I don't need to count every thing excessively. I know that protein makes me feel good, and gives me energy. As well as vegetables. I know that I can have small portions of dessert on occasion and be satisfied. I know that I shouldn't keep excessive amounts of sweets in the house (or baking supplies!) because its too tempting. I realize that I like high calorie foods like pizza, and fried foods but I don't crave them or want them as much as I think I do.

I know all of these things, I have this information. Right now, I'm stopping the cycle. I've stopped waiting for the right diet plan, I've stopped putting exercise on my to-do list. I'm working on trusting myself. Trusting myself that I will take care of myself, that I can eat less, that I can exercise more.


So here it is: I resign from my dieting mentality. I am going to stop beating myself up over the fact that I can't stand counting calories, or points or measuring out everything I eat. I am rededicating myself to my health and weight loss, because I feel better when I do. I will listen to my body and feed it what it wants, not what my head wants. I know what is healthy for me, I know how my body will lose weight and the insanity has to stop.

Today I start trusting myself. Today I feed myself fuel. My goal is to lose weight, to be in better health and to feel better about myself. I'm not setting a time line for it. I'm going to weigh-in every week publicly, but no more "I will weight 240 by the wedding" stuff. There is no starting and stopping point to good health. The weight will come off and I have to trust that it will happen and I can make it happen. Today I believe in myself.

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Antsy is a good descriptive word for me these days.

Antsy that I haven't been blogging more, that I haven't been losing weight, that I haven't been eating the best that I can, that I'm getting married in less than seven months and cannot bear the thought of going down the aisle into that new chapter still fat, antsy to start yet another weight loss plan, antsy because I'm tired of starting new plans and doing them for a week or a day, antsy that I'm doing it all wrong- all attempts, antsy about holiday eating, wanting to be in better health, that walking- a habit I was finally used to is now a chore again like it was before, antsy that I'm not being serious about this, antsy that I'm letting the opinions of others get me down, antsy about it never happening, antsy that I'm not learning from my mistakes, and realizing what foods make me truly feel horrible, lethargic and depressed, antsy about the never ending food/trust/out of control cycle.

I want to blog, I want to record this journey, but sometimes a part of me wishes that no one was reading except for me. And I say that for the sole reason of the embarrassment and guilt I have over my lack of losing weight on my weight loss blog and the constant stopping and starting. The inconsistency which is exactly why I'm where I'm at, and where I've always been.

Where do I go from here? Aren't I stronger than this?


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Thank you + quiet until tomorrow

I've got two data entry things (three after today) to put up and I'm honestly thinking if this is the best way to do things. I forget to put one up and then they are backed up. We'll see, I'm always changing something.

Thanks so much for the kind comments and emails I got yesterday regarding my new banners. I've had a few requests for custom banners so instead of doing that through paypal I just made a custom banner product in the shop.

Well, I'm about to go get ready, I'm (dragging) going with Josh to see Twilight at midnight! Be back tomorrow.

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Banners are up!

I finally got around to updating my lonely little etsy store! I love designing blog banners and decided to finally make a bunch that are customizable! I have a lot more in the works and will let you know via blog entry when a new one is up.

You can find them in my etsy store - I hope you like them as much as I do! Click here to check them out. Or you can locate my etsy store right on the sidebar under my picture.

Purchase details are in the banner descriptions.

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Yesterday was pretty good, I'm glad we made it to the gym last night. This is my new dailies sheet for keeping track of food and exercise.

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in defense of the weekend

oops! I lied, I didn't come back. We made a last minute decision Friday evening to drive and stay the night in Roanoke to catch a midnight viewing of Christmas on Mars. We stayed the night in a hotel, as we both lack any sort of decent driving skills and went Christmas shopping most of Saturday.

Yesterday, I spent most of the day being incredible lazy. That always seems like a good idea: not taking a shower, alternating between reading on the bed and watching tv on the couch and eating the most random things I could get my hands on. It was nice for about five hours and then I started feeling funky and depressed and lazy so I went to bed. At 8pm. wow.

Anyhow, enough of that. I wanted to share a few things in this post. I mentioned that I have about 22 weeks before I start getting fitted for my dress. 22 weeks to really kick ass. I got on the scale right after my vacation and it read 287.5. Nope, not kidding. That is ridiculous considering that I weighed about 268 right when I moved to Floyd two months ago.

I don't move as much as I did in nyc. I was walking and going up steps almost daily. Here, my daily movement is walking from each room of our small house. Sedentary is my current middle name. I started writing down what I was eating last week and managed to get rid of water weight and this morning the scale read 283. Better, but not at all where I want to be. I refuse to get higher on the scale. I refuse to get back to 290...305...310...315...

Its just not going to happen. I know that holidays are coming up, and that is always something, but I know I can still do better than I have been doing. I haven't been making a real effort to exercise. I'll continue posting my daily food and exercise here on the blog like I was doing before I went on vacation. Right now its simple: eat less, move more. All the other stuff can go to hell. When I say other stuff I mean worrying about eating perfectly all the time, doing the right amount of this or that. I know that I've been using not being perfect as an excuse. As in "oh i didn't' do enough cardio. I shouldn't exercise" or "I didn't eat enough vegetables today. I should eat some cake". That sort of thing is vicious and mind numbing. Right?

I made myself a weigh-in chart that will go back into a goals area with a few current pictures. I decided to take some less-than-flattering pictures today. There is nothing like a brutally honest t-shirt and underwear photo to knock some sense into you. I do a lot of talking around here, talking about plans, making declarations and making plans. I need less talk and more action.

So thats, that. I just did some of my own plus size fashion mixes using my own clothing, so I will have those post up probably tomorrow morning.

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Settling In

Oh 80 degree weather, I miss you. We got back from vacation/wedding time yesterday evening and I've spent the day today settling back in. I love the lingering smell of ocean water, sand and hotel rooms in my clothes.

I've spent most of the day catching up on my blog reading, unpacking, organizing, working on to-do lists, and making turkey chili. I'm ready to get back into the swing of things. I've got 22 weeks before my wedding dress is being made and that is 22 weeks for me to lose weight and get into better shape.

Thats the thing about going to the beach, for me at least. I always notice exactly how much I neglect my health and appearance. Wearing a swimsuit seems to highlight all of those insecurities I spend most of my time trying to cover up. It feels nice to have a slight tan right now.

I'm ready to get serious about this. Here we go. See you tomorrow.

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the time for change is now

Its early because today I am Baracking the vote (ha ha) and driving elderly folks to the polls.

Stop the apathy &

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swing low

I haven't updated my challenge since Thursday! That is very bad of me. I keep track of my food in a little notebook, so I will translate that into my challenge data graphic and upload those before the end of the day. I will indeed.

So, I feel like, as always there is always something happening that is keeping me from focusing on my weight loss efforts. In the past two years since I've been blogging its always been something. Planning for stuff for my non-profit job, stressed about situation at said job, leaving job, stressed about current self-employment, moving, settling in, having visitors, holidays, this election, upcoming travel and then more impending holidays.

As I write this, I noticed that my makeup mirror was pointed downward. I gasp at what I saw. Something I don't see very often. My lump of back fat protruding out of my back like a boob. Back boobs. I know thats not very self loving of me, but seriously I have back boobs and its not cool. Among other things.

I don't feel like my eating has been horrible, but I have been just getting by lately, trying to stay within my calories. I feel like I'm struggling to keep up with everything. I know logically that these are all excuses and I need to put my health in the first priority position.

Sometimes I have an image in my head of my ideal self. A version that is very far from reality. I get serious about weight loss, stop skipping from diet plan to diet plan, I make exercise a priority and I actually get consistent about weight loss.

I get comments and emails from people telling me how inspiration this blog is or how motivating it is and I don't know where that comes from? Losing weight is a struggle for me every single day. I go over and over and analyze what I'm doing right and wrong all the time. Sometimes I worry that when people read this they are thinking about all of the things I'm doing wrong. I get caught up in the right way to lose weight and it never happens. I think weight loss has a lot of gray area, but I really know that I need to get more black and white with my thinking.

I've normalized obesity. I've normalized eating bad food all the time. I've normalized behaviors that are not conducive for a healthy lifestyle. I can't help but to tell myself: stop fucking around, this is serious. You don't want to keep living in the sidelines of life. You don't want to get diabetes, which you will if you don't change now. You don't want to keep feel the shame, and the distance you create around yourself because of your weight.

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To me, a perk to exercise other then feeling good is getting to listen to music. I recently got a new ipod shuffle soon after my trusty first one finally played its last song. When I got the new one I didn't organize anything I just let it all filter through and figured I would do that later. If I had organized it, I would have gone through my music and picked the most upbeat songs I could find which would mostly be along the lines of Michael Jackson.

And then this song came on:

And despite how amazing this song is anyway, it is really cool to exercise to. It has trance-like qualities that could lead to falling off the machine- but it is so easy to get into. I start off moving my legs to the beat as it gets faster and faster. I'm always excited to spend six minutes on the elliptical listen to Glosoli by Sigur Ros. I close my eyes and I'm instantly transported, floating and sometimes in outer space.

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