the cats meow

Its 5am folks and I'm up. There were cats screeching outside, which sounded a lot like 50 cats in heat outside my window. Sometimes, living in NY is a lot like living in a cartoon or a sitcom. I've heard these cats before, but not often. My dreams started to include the noises they were making until I woke up.

Yesterdays’ eating was much better as you can see. I’ve dedicated myself to 30 minutes of movement of some kind a day. Just 30, I feel like I'm over thinking this whole exercise thing, until it becomes a habit I'm just going to do cardio of some sort 30 minutes a day. I'll post this evening on what exercise I do.

I'm also interested in doing some video posts when josh gets his programs and whatnot fixed, so this will be happening in the near future.
My goal is two pounds a week, I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned that before or not. I'm sure its back there somewhere in some post. Which is about 102 lbs from now, not bad eh? That will bring me to 192 by the end of the year. Its totally do-able and not a bad goal. My weight watchers goal is 140lbs, which I assume will be about two years from now, and I’m totally okay with that.

You know, I will be 26 at that time and its going to come regardless if I lose weight or not. I would like to spend some of my 20's in a body that feels (and looks) like it belongs to a 20-something. I haven't bought un-plus sized clothing since I was 11, which is just way too long. And that’s just clothes. There is an endless list of things I've skipped out on or feel bad about because of my weight, and it’s just really not worth it.

Yesterday I found myself reading the biography of Nelson Mandela and it was very inspiring. He has a way of making people feel that they can be better and greater. If my weight and food is my only battle, and a battle I have control over, why not win? Why not fight this before I have diabetes or heart disease or cancer? Why not win for myself and my life?

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granola bar shame

Oh ashley, now you have that gold fishes song stuck in my head. bahh.

I have a confession to make...
I ate an entire box of granola bars at work today. It started so innocently, I used my WW point guide for week two titled "eating out" and saw that egg drop soup is low in points and an egg roll has 4 points. I got both and thought "I will stop in the store and get some granola bars" I usually keep these at my desk for mornings that I forget to eat breakfast and I keep the kind that are good, but not too appealing. I saw the low- fat chewy chocolate kind at 2 points each and thought that they would be great. Too great. So, needless to say I cannot have food around me that I really enjoy because I will eat all of it. And 20 of my points for the day went to granola bars.

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so my new favorite snack are goldfish crackers. they have a whole grain version, which is awesome. you can eat 55 goldfish crackers for 140 calories, 5 grams of fat (no trans fat), 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of protein, and less than a gram of sugar.


you may think that sounds like a little bit, but it's actually a lot. it's like, the perfect snack at work (and i perversely think that counting them out is kind of fun).

i picked up a package of kashi go lean oatmeal because i eat oatmeal everyday. normally i eat quaker, but kroger decided to make their oatmeal super expensive. so i bought the kashi oatmeal. now, i buy the quaker oatmeal because it's easy for me to fix at work -- pour in cup, add hot water, mix together. done. with the kashi, it required microwaving and all that, which is lame.

so i tried to make some but unfortunately, the oatmeal bubbled over and exploded in the microwave. so not only did i not get any oatmeal, i also had to clean. two of my least favorite things -- being hungry, and cleaning.

lesson learned.

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im always thirsty

oh man, I should work on planning my meals like ashley. I have no idea what im eating ever haha. The hardest meal of the day for me is lunch time. Hardest because im at work and its the difference between eating out and bringing my lunch. If I bring my lunch I have to make it or prepare it before work which takes effort and if i eat out i risk diving into bad food out of hunger and spending money. So instead of planning out my week which can be a bit hard I will plan out the day before...tomorrow morning i will eat some oatmeal and a banana (or cold cereal), and for lunch i will eat either a grilled chicken salad that i make in the morning or some sort of sandwich (how vague am I?) The groceries will not be here until tomorrow, so im not sure what I actually have to eat in there. Tomorrow for dinner i want to make some sort of rice, chicken and vegetable dish. Or possibly oatmeal all day?

I lost 2 lbs this week! my meetings are going well, the leader makes me a bit nervous. She is very thin, with bright blonde hair. She wears bright pant suites and reminds me a lot of ashleys old room mate sandra sue. I was standing in line and she yells "its not that bad is it?" i hate that...if i had a dollar for ever time someone said that to me. Its as if I should be having a party in the weigh-in line of weight watchers. Possibly my face reads "my cat just got ran over" or "i hate life" but actually im just in line and waiting. or as new yorkers say "on line". thats drives me crazy by the way, how can you be on line at the store? when I hear on line I think of the internet, not a line waiting to check out. When someone here says "oh, were you on line" it takes me a second to realize what in the world they are asking.

anyway... so in the meeting she did the usual "were there any successes this week?" and i raise my hand and say that i lost two pounds, they clap and I just sit there. She says "you dont seem happy about this" (i mumble something about stress) and i want to say "i lost two pounds before, get back to me at the 40lb mark" not that I was sitting there pouting, I just dont want to be obnoxious about 2 pounds on my first week, perhaps 2 pounds after my 16th week would merit a dance party. I have problems with expressing emotions to strangers most of the time anyway, or not even strangers, a lot of people. When Im happy for someone they usually think im being sarcastic. But, thats just something ill have to work on. Perhaps next week at the meeting i will get up and do the cabbage-patch?

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meals, meals, meals.

it was a pretty good weekend. i did a lot of walking on saturday by shopping with my mom. my feet hurt by the end of it, so hopefully that counts as exercise. it had better.

i'm trying to plan my menu. i have to cater to my boyfriend, who doesn't eat vegetables, so it's sort of hard. this is what i have for the week:

sunday: baked chicken and rice bake -- skinless boneless chicken breasts, low-fat cream of chicken soup, chopped broccoli, and white rice baked in the oven. i'll eat this with a salad.

monday: monday is my boyfriend's night off, and we usually eat frozen pizza. frozen pizza is much better for you than take-out pizza. i'll cut down my usual number of slices and pair it with a salad.

tuesday:: whole-wheat penne with marinara sauce -- i picked up a jar of marinara with no high fructose corn syrup. i bought frozen little meatballs for my boyfriend. i'll eat two meatballs and serve with a salad.

wednesday: fake curried chicken and saffron rice -- this will not be the healthiest thing i make all week as i need a bit of olive oil to make it properly. basically, you marinate the chicken in an olive oil/lemon juice/curry marinade and then cook it up. serve on saffron rice with a bit of fat-free sour cream.

thursday: noodles and chicken -- one of my all-time favorite meals. egg noodles mixed with cream of chicken soup. i found a low-fat cream of chicken soup and whole-wheat egg noodles. i'll also throw some peas into mine.

lunches, i'm going to try to alternate between wraps made with whole grain flatout bread and salads. breakfast, i bought some kashi whole-grain oatmeal in a vanilla flavor. snacks, i have hummus, vegetables, sugar-free pudding and almonds.

so that's my week.

i've been researching exercise DVDs, too, since i don't have a treadmill and i live in an unsafe neighborhood (apparently, according to my mom).

lorrie, here's an easy dessert for you. it only has 2 weight watchers points. you need the jello sugar-free pudding (any flavor), cool whip lite, and skim milk. make the sugar free pudding with the skim milk. put the cool whip lite in a bowl, and then plop your sugar-free pudding on top. someone posted that they made the cheesecake pudding and put it in strawberry flavored cool whip, and added a couple graham cracker crumbles and it tasted like strawberry cheesecake. i intend to find out sometime soon :)

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Sunday Grocery Shopping

Louis Rich Turkey Bacon (12oz)
($2.99/ea) $2.99
New England Fresh Grade A Large White Eggs (1 dozen)
($1.59/ea) $1.59

1.0 lb
Provolone Cheese, Sliced (Thin Slices)
($5.99/lb) $5.99 *

Silhouette Mint Ice Cream Sandwiches (4oz)
($4.49/ea) $4.49
Stouffer's Lean Cuisine Chicken Club Panini (6oz)
($3.79/ea) $3.79
Weight Watchers Smart Ones Santa Fe Style Rice & Beans (10oz)
($2.60/ea) $5.20 S
Weight Watchers Smart Ones Traditional Lasagne w/ Meat Sauce (10.25oz)
($2.60/ea) $5.20 S

Juice Orange (Organic, Lg)
($0.49/ea) $1.96

Apple & Eve Apple Juice, Case (8.45oz boxes, case of 27)
($8.89/cs) $8.89 T
Good Health Popcorn With Olive Oil (4oz)
($1.89/ea) $3.78
Post Selects Banana Nut Crunch Cereal (15.5oz)
($4.29/ea) $4.29

Vegetables & Herbs
Boston Lettuce (Farm Fresh)
($1.99/ea) $1.99
Green Bell Pepper (Farm Fresh, Lg)
($1.99/lb) $2.65 *
Organic Baby Carrots (1 lb)
($2.50/ea) $5.00 S
Yellow Onion, Bag (Farm Fresh, 2lb bag)
($1.69/ea) $1.69
Estimated Subtotal: $59.50 *

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weigh-in in three hours

So this will be my first official return weigh-in at weight watchers. Im curious, excited and nervous as to what the scale will read. I dont even want to eat anything before I go, haha. my scale this morning reads 291.5 and Im a bit frustrated by this because my ankles are quite swollen this morning. Im retaining water like a uh well like a person that retains water! I didn't exercise once this week, unless you count a few walks here and there and my daily commute to work. Im a bit disappointed that I let other factors such as cleaning get in the way of exercise. I've had a habit since college where i would skip out on work, school, and activity for hopes to "get organized this time" and then start living. Its a bit sad that I continue this cycle. I want to beat this. Im considering paying for a house cleaner...its gotten to that point.

After weight watchers im going to sit down and evaluate the things that keep me from working out and change them before tomorrow even begins. I dont want to flounder, but I continue to do it. Everyone does things because they get something out of it.

I missed my acting class yesterday because I was feeling physically miserable, I feel very guilty about this, it brings back memories of how guilty I would feel when I would skip class in college.

Don't forget that you can track what I eat daily on the side-bar to the right. I pretty much update it daily or try to.

Something else that I would love in life is a well-stocked food supply at all times. I know this sounds silly, but Im buying a lot of natural perishable foods -which is very good, but they also are gone very quickly because I dont want them to go bad. I basically have to give in that i will have to go grocery shopping every week. Its a bit expensive here, and its not as easy as it used to be. I actually have to consider that im carrying these things home before I buy them and the selection isnt always that great. There is also freshdirect.com but that seems expensive to me. Perhaps I have a weekly food stipend for 50$ on fresh direct and I can plan out my meals for the whole week. hmm, that sounds pretty good to me right now. Thanks for listening bloggy :)

So uh, yes, I will buy myself a weight watchers friendly treat to last one week and only allow myself one after I exercise. I want to get in the 280's this week...damnit! I'll post my grocery list soon peeps. I totally said peeps.
Love, Lorrie

PS: Im thinking about creating a line of weight-loss inspired art work, what do you think?

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Ashley- I've heard the curves has a really nice program, yet pricey, but good. Sometimes when something costs a lot I ask myself "what would I do instead if I didnt have the money?" and I like to ask myself "would I just not do it if I didnt have the money?" so the answers can be helpful in finding inexpensive ways to exercise. I'm finding that it isnt the exercise, or the expense, that has been keeping me from doing exercise, I feel a bit guilty as in I have a ton of things to catch up with around the apartment and I give a mellow dramatic sigh and toss my lazy ass on the bed. I really need to address this.

Netflix has some really nice exercise videos, and sometimes it helps to have a membership somewhere to give you extra incentive to leave the house and just move. I gave my treat bag to josh and i look forward to eating my one chocolate a day, like really savouring it instead of eating 15 of them, so I thought about adding a little initiative to it by telling him not to give me one until Ive exercised. Some people are able to barter with themselves, but Im too weak to do it on my own, I could see it now..."hmm, i should exercise before i eat my chocolate (insert excuse)...screw it, ill eat the whole bag and exercise tomorrow" haha and thats exactly how it will go.

So is it me or are things just alittle bit harder right before your period? Ive been talking about stress and honestly, my stress is minimal it just seems like everything is magnified. My skin breaks out, Im swollen, Im thirsty and I want chocolate. I feel fat and ugly and blotchy.

I learned a small lesson in bringing lunch yesterday: I brought tuna, berries, yogurt, and cheese. And while I love all of those things on a small level or with something great. I felt very sad and deprived eating all of them together. However, when I was getting up and making a nice chicken salad for my lunch or ordering grilled chicken...I did not feel deprived. Im finding that its better for me to eat warm foods because I enjoy them more than cold foods, is this strange? Im also finding that its better for me to eat one good proportioned (smart choice-food) meal that I like and fills me up instead of a lot of smaller things that I dont care for and leave me starving by the time i get home. And speaking of starving, do you see how much I ate yesterday when I got home from work?

And just to rant, my apartment building is so hot all the time! these old people that live here want it to be a hundred degrees all the time. Its better than being cold, but there are never any normal temperatures in any bulding in nyc. This is a proven scientific fact :) which is extra incentive to lose weight before the summer because global warming is in full swing and it gets sooo hot here and if im sweating (so not cute, ashley ahha) in the winter, you can only imagine what things will be like in the summer. It will look something along the lines of me doing my hair and makeup at work. Yesterday was one of the coldest days yet and by the time i left my apartment i was SWEATING. oh god, why do i sweat so much?

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cheese pringles are the devil

today is a lazy day for me. my boyfriend had to go into work for a half-day today, so i'm sitting on the couch watching reruns of "full house". no lie. i haven't eaten anything yet today, though. i wanted a bowl of cereal, but my milk is spoiled. i don't understand it -- the date says february 1st, but it's sour already.

last night, i had a run-in with a can of cheese pringles. it's possible they will have to be destroyed.

i also called my local curves. i'm not a big fan of curves, but the ymca costs like, an arm and a leg around here. curves said it costs 75 dollars for the registration fee, and then like, 40 dollars after that per month. but then they said they had a deal for marshall students -- 99 dollars per semester. i'm tempted to tell them i'm still a marshall student.

tonight, we're going out to eat. i'll try to make appropriate decisions foodwise, like salads and grilled things.

lorrie, it's cute in a weird way that you sweat a lot.

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Filtering the stresses

And a collective "Hi Ashley!"

My throat is sore this morning, which I would figure that it is my body warning me of how cold it is today. I just checked out weather.com and it says that it will feel like -2 on my way to work. I walk to work and take public transportation which means that my eye balls will probably freeze over by the time I get there. I'm known at my job for being the one who doesn't dress for the weather. Mostly because there is a lot of walking and climbing involved and if im wearing 10 pounds of wool on top of my 290-something pounds I will sweat, especially when I go from cold into a warm building. Today, is a different story.

Stress, I am feeling a bit of underlying anxiety right now. I have a bit of stress at work right now. Im trying to leave work at work. Im trying to manage my money. For the first time in my life, I make a decent income and I have enough for all of my bills with money left over, but for some reason I am so lost as to how to manage it all. Ive created spread sheets. Josh's advice "stop spending money. its ghetto to live paycheck to paycheck. Stop buying things until you have a cushion". A cushion? How adult. Oh god, I should really stop looking at etsy and all of these delicious websites that tempt me. They call out to me daily...buy me! I made a deal with myself...starting today, that the only things I buy that I dont need will be from the money I make from my articles on Associated Content. I say today, because I bought art supplies yesterday and uh...necklaces from forever 21...and maybe a print.

So managing stress, yes, it helps to come home to a cat to pet and a boyfriend to hug. exercise wouldnt be too bad though, would it? Im in the process of redecorating and arranging this apartment. yes, exercise, im getting there...I swear!

Food: will post yesterdays food this afternoon. For the past couple of days I havent brought my lunch to work (excuses, yes) and ordered from yummy taco the rice, spinach and chicken. Its too good. I mean too good, like it feels sinful. Although they say grilled chicken, I feel olive oil and its delicious. Its better than the nachos or very large burrito that usually order. So, Im making a bit of a pact that that when I eat out, I prepare before hand what Im going to order and know what exactly I am eating.

Something else that Im learning to do when I feel stress or anxiety, I try to remember that everyone goes through extreme highs and lows and that all of these things will not matter in 5 years (or even one year). What will matter is the life I lived, and the good stuff I did despite the small stresses in life. I want to filter what I let stress me.

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hi, i'm ashley

and i'm fat too. i have always been fat, even when i was much younger. i have never attempted a REAL diet before, because i think for a long time, i didn't think i was that fat.

this was wrong, by the way. i think i was just crazy. i have no idea how much i weigh right now, though i'm estimating probably 310-315. i gained about 15-20 pounds in the past year, which is not good at all.

now lorrie and i have been friends for a long time. and as long as i've known lorrie, she's always been trying some kind of diet, bless her heart. i remember one summer where she was obsessed with green goddess dressing and poured it over everything. adorable.

recently, though, i've been thinking that maybe it's time to make a change in my lifestyle. so i've been making tiny changes here and there -- no more red meat, no more soda, no more ice cream every night. i'm totally on it. also, i really love my boyfriend. and i know my boyfriend likes a little junk in the trunk, but i think i maybe don't need so much junk. i still want to keep a little junk, but not a lot.

i've also made some investments in this whole weight-loss thing. i bought a scale for the first time in my life. i'm trying to get a treadmill from my mom. i'm even going to new york to visit lorrie (and also walk around all day).

lorrie even promised to send me treats in the mail, which i suppose i can do for her, too :)

so today, so far, for breakfast, i've eaten about a cup of grapes, which is 114 calories. for lunch, a bunch of people from work and i are going to order out sushi. i'm ordering a calfornia roll with a side of edamame. for dinner, my boyfriend and i will be eating penne pasta with marinara sauce.

tomorrow is date night for my boyfriend and i, which means we usually go out to eat somewhere, so that will be difficult.

anyway, wish me luck. i'll try to take some pictures and post them soon.

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I love coconut+chocolate and New Blog Additions

You may notice that the banner now says Girls instead of girl. My friend Ashley will now be making posts, updating her stats, journaling her food and exercise. I'm so excited and proud of her. So now this blog has been expanded and I think that is great.
I will also start including weekly full-body updates to show progress.

I am excited about my weigh-in at Weight Watchers on Sunday, because I am weighing myself at home and I'm seeing loss almost daily. Which is exciting because I feel like I'm headed in the right direction and I don't feel overwhelmed like I have in the past to lose weight quickly.

I had a lovely conversation last night with Josh and I was comparing my weight loss to his internet business, I told them that if 4 (or 5 or whatever) years ago I had said to myself "okay, Im going to take this seriously, im not in a rush to lose weight" I could be in a different place today. I don't have regrets, but my point is I've wasted a lot of time in my life trying a diet that I couldn't live with long term and would always go off of, no matter what...eventually. Even if I lost once, it always came back. It came and went, and I was following the same patterns. These patterns were leading me to many failed attempts. I kept saying "tomorrow", "after this holiday", "when things are less stressful", "when all the junk food is gone". The only thing I actually lost was self-respect. When I heard the words "life change" I would get scared and think "no more lovely wonderful gooey delicious food?!?! ahhhh" and then find a quick-fix diet to avoid the problem.

I'm not changed forever, but in the last week, I haven't felt deprived because I havn't been, I'm not restricted to a certain type of food, only the portion. I feel like I am making smarter choices. I like that I have 35 extra points a week that I can take or leave if I want or need something more that day and still lose and not feel like I totally ruined it. I don't feel like this is something I've gone on, to then get off of. I am interested to see how I feel in a month. Should be interesting, eh?

Yesterday I found some Weight Watchers/Whitmans coconut chocolate candy which I ate 7 off (1 point each) I couldn't stop because of their delcious nature. It was basically a mounds bar mini with a higher price tag, which I will remember next time. I bought two bags, and after I ate the 7 in the first one I have the 2nd bag to Josh and told him to only let me have one a day. I felt like his pet that he gives treats to. But, if you live with someone that can support you and eats healthy too it can mean the world to your success.

I feel like my environment here does not support my excessive weight. I don't work with people that relish in fried foods and overeating everyday. I don't live with someone who overeats or even eats junk food. I have to walk 10 flights of steps to and from work, which definantly does not support being fat. I am around thin people 95% more than fat people. I would feel like am outcast to overeat unhealthy food here, because it just doesn't happen (it does,of course, but not with the people I have met or spend time with). I think its important to identify your environment and see if there are factors that are keeping you fat, your job, your relationships, your car, the people you spend time with, or the tempting food in your house. For me, I had to realize that I could not have a lot of anything here because I will go for it everytime, if its good and quick. I will eat it. So, I just don't keep foods here that I will overeat. I can't tempt myself and have a box of crackers, chips, or any sort of quick fix around. No matter how good I feel right now, I will probably eat it, thats just an honest fact.

My co-worker is on a path to healthy eating and exercise as well. She doesn't have a huge amount to lose, maybe 30 or 40lbs, but she said some smart things to me yesterday. The first one was that she was tired of being sick and watching her sister continue to be sick and let her bad back, knees, high blood pressure and diabeties prevent her from living. She said to me " I don't want to wait until its too late to change, to stop being physically sick, to stop poisoning myself".

So to sum it up...

find a "diet" that works
create an environment that supports your goals
identify your weaknesses
boost self-esteem
think thin (IE: imagine where you see yourself in 6 months to a year, actually paint a picture in your head, write it down, draw it. Get it in your brain everyday)
Love yourself enough to stop the destructive cycles of physical sickness

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New Blog Features

On the right hand side of the webpage you will see a new addition which is my WW food journal that I will update often. I keep a written jounral with me, but would like to also use this to show every one that reads this what I eat. I also updated the stats and photos section.

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and again, in a good way

I havn't bee blogging, and I have felt quite guilty about it. I have been neglecting this blog and my other one for weeks now. How long has it been? Anyway, I'm happy to say that I wasn't away, off of the wagon-so to speak or diving into sweets, much to my dismay.
I did, join...dun dun dunnn
Weight Watchers yesterday!

After much consideration, I made the quick decision to just join and go. And thats what I did. That isnt to say I wasn't nervous and hesitant...I was. As I walked to my local weight watchers for the weigh-in and orientation I saw a larger man walking in the same direction, open the door and head in. I caught a quick glimpse in as I grabbed the handle and then let go as I found out that there were men there too! I hadn't considered this and decided to wait outside for the 10am meeting to start. I called my mom and as we chatted I told her that I couldn't believe how many men were there. I'm not talking one or two scattered (and the women did outnumber the men) but there were old men, young men, stout men, skinny men, fat men, and I was truly frightened and tried to picture myself confessing my food sins in front of a men. My mom thought it was great that men were there. I got over this and went in and I'm really glad that I did.

During the meeting I nervousl expressed my lack of exercise because I create obsticals for myself such as not cleaning. They suggested leaving the house for exercise which is a great idea. Sigh, if only my job would hire me, I would have a free gym membership. I anticipate they will, but when? So, anyway there are other things that I can do outside despite how cold it is. I can also talk to myself and just tell myself to shut up.

Everyone has self-dialogue to do and not do so many things. Exercise is a huge battle not only for larger people. I think its a battle worth fighting.
So, before I went I weighed myself here at 291.0 and then got there and weighed in at 297. I also had on more clothing. I will wear less next week.
The points are pretty easy, although time consuming, but I know it is the money and meetings that will keep me going. I feel myself wanting to be the best at this program, but this is called the honey moon period, huh?

After I finished all of my points, yesterday I counted all of the calories involved to reach yesterdays points and it was about 1,500-1,600 which isn't a lot. The points consider fat as well, and I had a hamburger with 30g of fat (yikes! turkey burgers for me!). Overall I belive that my 36 points adds up to approx. 1,800 calories, and then you get 35 flex points during the week to use at once or spread out. I like this because you can have birthday cake, or a nice dinner ...or whatever and not feel like you've "fallen off the wagon" which to me means a two week hiatus from good eating.
So I feel good, and I promise to stay updated with blogging which I truly love doing anyway, I just get lazy.

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Live and enjoy the moment.

My mom sent this to me today and I thought I would share:

We convince ourselves that life will be better once we are married, have a baby, then another.

Then we get frustrated because our children are not old enough, and that all will be well when they are older.

Then we are frustrated because they reach adolescence and we must deal with them. Surely we’ll be happier when they grow out of the teen years.

We tell ourselves our life will be better when our spouse gets his/her act together, when we have a nicer car, when we can take a vacation, when we finally retire.

The truth is that there is no better time to be happy than right now.
If not, then when?
Your life will always be full of challenges. It is better to admit as much and to decide to be happy in spite of it all.
For the longest time, it seemed that life was about to start. Real life.
But there was always some obstacle along the way, an ordeal to get through, some work to be finished, some time to be given, a bill to be paid. Then life would start.
I finally came to understand that those obstacles were life.
That point of view helped me see that there isn’t any road to happiness.

Happiness IS the road.
So, enjoy every moment.

Stop waiting for school to end, for a return to school, to lose ten pounds, to gain ten pounds, for work to begin, to get married, for Friday evening, for Sunday morning, waiting for a new car, for your mortgage to be paid off, for spring, for summer, for fall, for winter, for the first or the fifteenth of the month, for your song to be played on the radio, to die, to be reborn… before deciding to be happy.

Happiness is a voyage, not a destination.

There is no better time to be happy than… NOW!

Live and enjoy the moment.

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Food for the 8th,9th and 10th

Hello again,
Here is my food entries from monday until now...its Thursday today around 10:30am and have yet to eat breakfast, but we'll get to that later...

1/8/2007 Monday
I had almonds in the morning about 1/4 a package-70 calories
then I have indian food (again!) from this place by work which really does not compare to taj mahal- I had the tandoori chicken lunch box (grilled chicken, vegetable curry, rice, naan, diet coke [i usually avoid diet drinks, it came with the meal, it was pretty gross either way]) -1,000 calories (approx.)
honey nut cheerios and skim milk for dinner-300 calories
total calories: 1,370

1/9/2007 Tuesday
Everything bagel w/ olivio- 400
4 slices of cheese pizza-1,000
total calories: 1,400

1/10/2007 Wednesday
Banana- 80 calories
Tandoori Lunch Box- (found a hair so stopped eating half way through- bleh) 600 calories
grilled cheese- (meunster, whole wheat bread, olivio)-400 calories
grilled potatoes- 350 calories
total: 1430

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'I could go for a little sweet'

Back in my days of cable TV I would gleefully watch The Nanny on Life Time every morning and loved the episode when the family eats too much and the little girl says in her best NY accent "You know, call me crazy, but I could go for a little sweet" haha. yeah I probably shouldn't admit to loving that show, huh?
I haven't really had any cravings lately for anything sweet. Mostly those come in waves particularily during PMS (of course) and it can be violent and unrelenting. I've been scouring the internet for healthy and low calorie alternatives to sweet foods or breads that are easy to make. I found one for banana bread that only has about 500 calories for two loaves of bread, which is pretty fantastic. I'm a lover of banana bread and eventually might try to adapt this recipe when I get more creative in the kitchen, maybe with nuts perhaps? I might make this tomorrow.
Here it is:
The following recipe makes two small loaves that we baked in tiny bread pans. Entire recipe contains about 500 calories. Preheat oven to 350° and spray two mini-baking pans with non-stick cooking spray. Place the following ingredients in a medium-sized mixing bowl and gently mix by hand until smooth:

1 mashed banana (please remove peeling before adding to the bowl)
1 Tablespoon of Melted Butter or Margarine (we used diet but regular will do for about 60 calories)
1 teaspoon of Rum Extract
1 cup of Splenda
Dash of Salt
1 teaspoon of baking powder
1 large egg
2 Tablespoons of Skimmed Milk

Add the following dry ingredients to the bowl of wet ingredients:
3/4 cup of White Flour

Cook about 20 minutes - or until golden brown.
For those who do not like using sugar substitute, double the bananas and use 1/2 cup of real sugar. Another suggestion for those limiting sugar substitute is to use half real sugar and half sugar substitute.Rum extract can be substituted with vanilla extract OR almond extract.

Another thing that an old room mate did (whom I wont mention the name of, because she annoyed the piss out of me) because her sister on weight watchers told her about was to freeze two graham crackers with whipped cream sandwiched in the middle. These are actually really good and have about 110 calories each. Not bad, eh?

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Food for January 7th 2007

Bagel- 320
2 eggs-140
olive/soy oil-100
indian meal- 1/2 naan bread, tandori chicken (grilled), rice, 1 fried vegetable pakora
approx. 1,000 calories
orange juice-60
total calories 1780
have I mentioned my love for indian food? good lord its so good!

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Self-Esteem if you dare

I started reading a self esteem book and the self esteem handbook. Its in the introductory pages, but I feel myself pinpointing people in my life that have low self esteem that are self destructive (and aren’t aware of it) and also bring people down with them. I feel like I've been bruised by others low self-esteem along with my bruising other people. No one has perfect self-esteem, but it is easy to see who suffers in their lives because of it and makes the other people around them suffer as well. As far as my self-esteem I feel as though i have been pretty nasty to people to keep them away, to keep them from not liking me. I figured that if I kept them away then they wouldn't have a chance not to like me.

The book is called "Self-Esteem Third Edition" By Matthew McKay PHD and Patrick Fanning it can be found on Amazon along with the handbook. I know a lot of people turn away from self exploration, which I think is a shame. Maybe it is tough to deal with the truths of our lives, or maybe some people think its corny, or they don’t have the time, or even that they don’t need it. Those things frustrate me for some reason, and they always have. Its possible that my mom has influenced me into loving "self-help" books and being annoyed by those that are not interesting in learning why they do what they do and trying to change destructive behavior. Its key to learn and a hard lesson for me to learn that its not my love for food that keeps me overeating, its how I feel about myself that keeps me yearning for more food. I believe this goes for almost everyone that cannot stop overeating and feeding our bodies with crap. It's hard to say "ok this is the problem...how to I fix it?"

I believe that the reason why diets fail, is not because we cant follow a diet or because any diet cant work, its because we are not fixing the problem or reason why we are fat. There is a reason, you just have to work on figuring it out and healing yourself. So many people beat themselves up for not being able to say no to unhealthy foods and getting off of the couch and most of the time this isn’t the only destructive behavior they have in their lives. For me, I am horribly unorganized and do everything last minute. I stay this way to keep from achieving wonderful things.
Low self-esteem comes in many shades and the result of it varies from person to person. I don't mean to talk about it as though it is a mental illness or as if its a disease you can somehow catch. Because its neither, its something that can be changed with work, and why not?

According to the book people find ways to avoid aggravating the pain of self-rejection in any way. Maybe you take fewer social, academic, or career risks. You make it more difficult to meet people, interview for a job, or push hard for something where you might not succeed. You limit your ability to open yourself with others, be the center of attention, hear critism, ask for help or solve problems. To avoid more judgments and self-rejection, you erect barriers of defense. Perhaps you blame and get angry, or bury yourself in perfectionism. Or you brag. Or you make excuses. Sometimes you turn to food...drugs...alcohol etc.

How familiar does this sound for yourself and maybe other people that you know?
I sometimes feel that there are two types of people with low self-esteem those that seek out to hurt other people (without knowing it in some cases) in attempt gain self esteem in the process. And those that are self-sabotaging because of low-self esteem.
I've been several people who have hurt me because of the first type of low self-esteem. I never felt it was intentional, but it defiantly was wounding.

Here are some traits I have found in my life with those people and find in myself as well:
-horribly judgmental
-they out lash or react with anger to tough situations
-make excuses for what they cannot do in life (situational excuses such as (even if not said): "my family is to blame" "i had a traumatic childhood" "its everyone elses fault that I cannot succeed at work etc" )
-cannot take critism and does not deal well with being confronted
-denial of reality and their current situation in life
-brags a lot, exaggerates and lies about their life

other traits of low-self esteem can be found in:
-overeating (binge eating etc.)
-bottling things up or never showing true emotions
-avoiding situations that involve change, growth or where you may feel vulnerable
-avoiding failure by not trying new things
-perfectionism (which keeps you in a narrow mind frame and prevents excellence that comes from making mistakes)

I think the key to addressing your own issues with self are also to acknowledge and learning to spot these same issues in other people. The reason for this is to not take what they may say to you and let it damage your self-worth because of their own issues with themselves.

I will continue writing on this topic as I make my way through the book and workbook.
I think it takes a lot of courage to begin healing yourself and acknowledging who you are and who you want to be. Its also important to stand up to toxic people that may try to bring you down with them.

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Weigh in 1/7/06

I got on the scale today...290.5. hmph. It said 288 during the week. I should not weigh myself so much. I have some new rules for this week to make the scale go down:
1-daily exercise in the morning with richard or billy and jorge (or a long walk)
2-do not weigh in on any day besides sundays
3- stay at 1,800 calories a day

I went to acting class yesterday and now my body is sore from the commute. Its a bit of an exhausting on that leaves me wanting to turn around and go home. Its hard to explain the amount of steps to the F train at the 9th street stop in brooklyn and then out of the F train at York street in Dumbo. Its a lot. Maybe not for people in shape, but Ive seen many people struggle up the 9th street F train steps. heh.

Acting class went really well. Its something that I have low energy to get to until I'm there and its almost as if my mind and body comes alive. I enjoy the challenge and working with my teacher and class mates.

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Food for today

Hi its saturday and its beautiful outside! the weather is weird lately, huh?
I will post about acting class later on...

everything bagel w/ two eggs and olivio- 520
green jasmine tea- 0
garlic and herb tuna packet- 200
Instant breakfast w/ skim milk-220
1 1/2 potatoes- 150
provolone and meunster- 300
olive/soy oil-200
onion and green pepper-15
whole wheat bread loaf- 200
orange juice-170
total calories -2025

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January 5th Food Entry and Quote of the day

Ralph Marston:
Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality.

I can really feel a difference lately now that I've been recording my food intake.
In the past I've been so crazy about recording food and calories that it would end with my face in ice cream. I feel good that I've finally allowed myself to feel hungry and eat normally and not obsess and feel like im eating too much or too little. I don't feel like I'm trying to lose 50 lbs in a month or restrict my food so much that I'm starving at 1,200 calories. I've done this in the past and it never works, and I don't believe it works for anyone long term. Why? Because I'm still fat.

According to my weight and activity I can eat close to 4,000 calories and not gain and most people can maintain with moderate activity well over 1,500 calories. My boyfriend Josh who weighs about 160 can eat about 2,400 calories a day and not gain, he can eat more with exercise. Knowing how much you can eat, and factoring in how much you actually eat and then decreasing each day even down to 1800-2000 (like me, if you weigh what I weigh) will show weight loss at about 2 lbs a week (which factors out to 112lbs a year, and honestly, thats great! The year is gonna pass anyway right? might as well lose 112 lbs :) ).

Until recently, I thought I had to starve to lose weight and eat raw veggies all day, this isn't the case. This is why its important to me to write what I eat to show myself and other people that weight loss doesn't have to be painful and hard. It can be done. I got on the scale this morning and jumped off screaming in joy (making the cat very scared of me) when I noticed that I am going down. I peaked, I couldn't help it! So, I must get better at this whole exercise thing. I was thinking that mornings would be the best time for me to exercise.

I suppose my point about the calorie thing is to go find out how many calories you can eat and still lose weight (with some exercise). I recommend sparkpeople.com (again haha) to find this out.

Food Today (so far)
Everything bagel (seeing a trend? I bought some frozen ones) 360
lunch (packed):
turkey sandwhich: turkey, provolone, artisan bread, light mayo, romaine- 400
Kashi TLC Bar- 140
Apple- 50-80 (will look this up as well)
Banana-80-100 (will look this one up)
corn on the cob w/ olivio- 110
salad with garlic cesar dressing- 160
grilled cheese sandwich (provolone, swiss, tomato, olivio, artisan bread)-500
carnation instant breakfast-200
total calories: 2220

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Today's Food and todays quote

Today's Quote from spark people:
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

- Mark Twain, American writer

Everything Bagel- 360
olivio- 80
1/4 cup almonds- 137
orange juice- 110
(brought for lunch:)
tomato sandwich (light mayo, tomato, 2 slices artisan bread, salt, pepper, one thin slice of provilone)- 270
banana- 100
kashi TLC bar- 140
soy crisps- 140 just had these around 5pm because of extreme hunger, not bad actually and a lot of fiber and soy protein)
snapple orange and carrot juice-20
kashi tlc bar-140
chicken salad- 500(olive/soy oil, chicken breast, purple onion, tomato, green pepper, cucumber, garlic cesar dressing, provolone cheese)

total: 1997

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Yesterdays Food 1/3/06

1 Everything bagel (poppy seeds, garlic, etc.) 320
2 eggs fried in olive oil spray-140
provilone cheese- 80
1/2 tspn. olivio-40
turkey breast- 80
orange juice-220
all bran cinnamin bar-130
1/2 packet of hot chocolate powder- 50
Koshi TLC Bar- 140
1 1/2 potatoe w/ green pepper w/ olivio and olive oil- 265
zuccini and onions w/ olive oil- 175
lime and peppercorn chicken- 100
orange juice- 110
total calories: 1850

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Yummy Taco

Food today:
Huge grilled steak burrito from yummy taco- 1,000 (this is a guess, I looked up the ingrediants and I am trying to over estimate, but this burrito was really big and really good, I love yummy taco!)
grilled chicken salad (chicken, romain, tomato, cucumber, garlic ceasar dressing, prov. cheese) 500 calories
All Bran cinnamin bar- 130
sugar free gum- o
orange juice- 300
total: 1930

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