Hiding the Scales for awhile

I am trying something new (that doesn't envolve pounds of meat) I am hiding the scales for awhile. Probably a month. I recently read an entry from the Fat Brides Maid and I thought "oh, i do that every time". And its true.

One week I am in the weight loss zone and losing weight and then I lost weight and then I slack for the following week, making me gain or stay the same. And then I start losing again and then slack. Over and over. The scale has good intention and I have good intentions too when I weigh myself every morning. For some reason when I start exercising I start gaining, and then it comes off and then the exercise pays off in various ways. But, seeing the increase even by a couple of pounds makes me feel defeated and I really do not need to give my long list of exercise excuses yet another reason not to treck to the gym.

I like the experimental side of this too, of course. For example, if I don't know what I weigh, will I work harder at my goal? Sometimes I look at the scale as an object I have no control over. The results are
(in my mind), a result of randomness and we all know that isn't true. The numbers dictact how well I'm doing or how poorly I'm doing and are supposed to keep me in line. But, I'm finding more and more that I use the scale as a way of self-manipulation, playing food games the days before or after a weigh-in.

I am hiding the scales for a month and keeping with my same weight loss goals. This should be interesting.

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The Adventures of Lorrie and Josh

I told Josh in the middle of the week that we should go on an adventure on Saturday. I like the idea of spending a day outside exploring the city.

So, to begin the adventure I made blueberry pancakes (thanks to Jamie Olivers recipe):

And then we headed to Central Park by noon. We spent a lot of time walking around the park watching people and horses:

Then we went to whole foods and bought lunch for our picnic:

Then we walked around some more

Then we walked to Union Square and bought basil and catnip at the green market. Then we decided to go home because our feet were tired and there weren't any good movies playing.

The End

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the flags

I like reading books or quotes that change my perspective and outlook on life. I read a quote on the blog- Half of me- from Drew Barrymore. I’ve always had a girl-crush on Drew, for various reasons. And now I like her even more. She was nominated as People’s 100 most beautiful people and one of her interview responses on happiness and beauty was:

"The only fundamental rule for me is to just be yourself,” she says. “Let your freak-flag fly, and if someone doesn’t get you, move on.”

For some reason that really moved me yesterday, I printed it out and kept it in mind throughout the day. Sometimes I let the thought of what other people think prevent me from doing even the smallest of things (asking for a straw, throwing something away in a crowded room, and avoiding social events). I censor what I say to people (especially strangers) and end up spewing things that I never meant to say or that make little sense, even to me. I feel like my chest is expanding and contracting, my face gets hot when I have conversations that make me nervous. Time starts spinning around my head and I have no idea what I’m saying. I will begin to laugh when something isn’t funny, or I will say something totally inappropriate. This by turns creates more of an internal issue and self-consciousness. There is rarely a relaxed moment with me and new people, but after letting the message sink in I feel freer to wave my flag. After all, I always have the choice to move on.

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My top 10 (6) favorite plus size swimsuits

You won't find any swimsuit skirts on this list...


Old Navy

Old Navy

Lane Bryant

Liz Claiborne

Lane Bryant

Er, I could only find six! The search continues...

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Lifetime Movie- To be fat like me

I heard about this movie awhile ago, maybe on a commercial or on the internet and was curious to see it. So I downloaded it on itunes recently and despite being a Lifetime movie it wasn't that bad.
I don't have much thought for or against it, but some parts were obvious and others were surprising. The main character an attractive, soft ball player puts on a fat suit to prove that she would still be liked regardless of being fat if she had the same personality. She goes to summer school at a new school (to stay undercover) and gets moo'ed at on her first day (people do this?). She befriends another fat girl and her thin guy-friend (the cute "alternative rocker" guy that the fat girl has a crush on, of course) and they all hang out until they discover she is really thin and recording them on her video recording glasses. All the while she is dating the stud at her old school, yelling at her mom about her weight, and crying. I'm a sucker for bad teenage drama, so I enjoyed it.

I think the movie touches on a lot of stereotypes and stays away from the "woe is me, i'm fat" message and its not overly predictable-yet still some hard to believe scenarios. The whole time I was thinking "can't they see that her face looks like it is melting off??!"

Check it out:

To be fat like me

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Don't bring me down

I know its cliché to say that women’s magazines are cruel to women’s bodies, but its just increasingly bothersome to me lately. I subscribe to good housekeeping (it was five dollars!) and I think it was the February issue that had the beautiful Kate Winslet on the front cover with a caption reading “I don’t care about my weight anymore” What?

I hate the message and that one quote from her interview made it to the cover to sell magazines. I feel like there is this weird divide between reality and the reality in magazines. When I picked up a recent Vogue with Scarlet Johansson on the front it read “curvy and cool” and the article focused a lot on how shocking it was that she accepts her body. Are these people serious? I was reading that magazine in the bathroom and to my surprise Josh picked it up and read it (not surprising because ol Scar’Jo was on the cover) and he was annoyed with it as well. He came out of the bathroom and was like “why do you read this?” and was baffled that looking like a model was the standard these women hold themselves and other women to. If they don’t look like that and are OK with it they are like “oh my god, she’s okay with her body, but secretly we are not”. I feel like women are our biggest enemies with self-acceptance. Most men like a healthy and confident woman. If you happen to be model thin naturally, you should be happy with that as well as being happy if you weren’t born with a models body.

I proceeded to show him the models that they were showing in the magazine as “plus size”. We all know plus size women are exceedingly beautiful women in real life that are approximately a size twelve and over five foot nine. He couldn’t believe that they were considering these women to be “full figured”. He doesn’t have a fat fetish (despite being with me, heh) and prefers healthy looking women, so I wondered “ who are the men that like their women looking like they haven’t eaten since the 80’s”?

I don’t want to go on a tirade about fat acceptance and all of that because I personally do not believe in being fat (obese) not because of appearances, but because I know the personal issues and how physically hard it is to have 100+ extra pounds on my body.

What I am saying is, its tiring to see so many gorgeous women hating themselves. And even more tiring that magazine editors feed into the self hate. I was reading a blog recently called “the skinny website dot com” and I just felt tired and sad for the blogger. Maybe she would feel the same for me too? She basically makes note of celebrity weight fluctuations and then slyly mentions what size would be unacceptable for her.

My wish for myself and for all women is to learn to be comfortable with your appearance and size. If it needs work, then work on it, but out of love not self-hatred. On that note I will continue to roll my eyes to the women that say “I would absolutely die if I gained 10 pounds or looked like her

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New Beginnings (sort of)

I did my last official weigh-in this morning for my week on Atkins and not to my surprise a good bulk of my weight loss showed up on the scales this morning. I weighed in at 273, my lowest yet. Which makes me look forward to the 260's!

Its now official that I have lost 20 lbs. since January 21st- I will more than gladly take that.

I plan on going to the gym tonight after work, which will be good. Believe it or not, we started spring cleaning in our apartment sunday and I must have gotten a work out from that because my body still feels sore in a lot of unused places. Cleaning, the new workout? hmm

Mini Goals for the day:
34 Point Maximum
Remember fruits, vegetables and protein
Workout for a minimum of 45 minutes

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I lost

It’s almost midnight here in New York, and this will be my last post about Atkins…forever. Call me a quitter, but after today I know I cannot do this diet for another three weeks. I sat at my desk today eating a few pistachios even though they are not technically allowed this soon on Atkins, but nothing else appealed to me. For lunch I got a grilled chicken salad with sour cream, cheese and jalapenos and it sat there on my desk for a little over an hour before I threw it away. It disgusted me, the iciness of the iceberg lettuce and the meat…especially the meat, I’m convinced that this salad would have looked good to me at some other point in my life. Meat is slowly disgusting me. I'm happy that the reason why I cannot continue with this diet is because of meat and not carbohydrates. This didn't end in ice cream or bread, it ended exactly how it began-I'm just waving a white flag to it now before it gets to that point.

How do I explain this? I have always loved meat, a nice grilled hamburger, charbroiled steak, blackened chicken, or crispy bacon. All of these things I can only stand for a short period before I begin thinking “what did I just eat?”. Its weird for me that I even have these feelings, imagine loving cakes and pies your whole life and then slowly over months and without reason hating everything about them? I’ve never been an animal rights activists- although I think wearing fur is creepy and I’ve never thought much about the growth hormones. But, now the texture, the look and even the smell of meat, makes my skin crawl. I was feeling this before Atkins and even more so now a week later.

I don’t know if I would call myself a vegetarian now or in the future because I don’t know where this is headed, but I’m glad I tried Atkins again for what its worth. I learned a bit which was my hope in the first place. The grass isn’t always greener, but I’m glad I tried and have a new appreciation for moderation. So, on this note- onwards with counting those pesky points/calories and exercising because I’ve got some weight to lose!

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End of Week one: Atkins

I made it past the first week of Atkins. I lost 1.5 lbs and Josh lost 4. I think I did a couple of things wrong this week which slowed down the weight loss, but I can’t complain. I need to eat more vegetables, which is obvious. But, also I think next weekends weigh in will be really good. I started this whole weight loss journey dedicated to a constant and slow loss.

I am happy about a few weight loss related discoveries. The first one is sweating which I talk about way too much. I went out Saturday afternoon with a co-worker and walked in 70 degreeish weather, and no sweat. I wasn’t even overheating. Don’t worry, I still sweat a little, and I’m sure more is to come as it gets hotter, but even last fall in 50-60 degree weather I would sweat a lot so its nice to not over heat as easily.

I also notice that my waist is slowing shrinking inward and that my overall shape is shrinking. I really look forward to being in the 260’s soon.

All in all, Atkins was tough for me this week, but its getting easier…a lot easier. Its really helpful to have Josh as a support system through all of this with me even though he is at a healthy weight. He reminds me not to complain and to just keep going when I’m tempted with bread or whatever, he said “just pretend you live in a world where carbohydrates (bread, dessert etc.) doesn’t exist” and “its just food, eat when you’re hungry and move on”. I like to dwell and get stuck mentally over things and feel sorry for myself. He gives me a kick in the pants when that happens. So thank you to him.

Also, I find that its easy to get in the mentality of “why am I doing this?” and “I just don’t care anymore, I want to eat like “normal” people!” I found those thoughts lurking around the corner which in the past I would have let defeat me. But, the weather and being outside reminded me of my goals and where I want to go.

It’s nice to wear smaller clothes, and to go outside and walk without sweating gallons of water. I guess I have a lot of thoughts right now that are hard to verbalize, but I feel good that since the end of January even though I’ve “fallen off the wagon” a few times for birthdays, work stuff, holidays and just cravings…I never stopped thinking that I wasn’t losing weight, I just keep going. Sometimes my initial reaction to eating badly is to continue with it or feel like I have to starve myself the next day, but instead of either I just pick back up the next day.

I know this all very elementary and simple, but relieving to me that I’m slowly starting to get it.


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Dear Carbs, I miss you. Love, The Token Fat Girl

As I embark on the fourth day of my Atkins Diet experiment I find myself strangly full and also telling my craving gremlin to shut up. I have a craving gremlin, the one that wants cupcakes, bread and other sugary treats.

On day one as I was grocery shopping online with Josh (he is doing this with me, like a trooper) we kept wondering “what did we eat before???” we were stumped as far as what groceries to buy. But, we moved forward by putting rotisserie chicken, pot roast, lettuce, olive oil, cheese, zucchini, and bacon into the cart. That day at work I was faced with brownies, but turned them down. I wondered to myself “would I have eaten them if I was still on weight watchers? If I didn’t eat them, would they have haunted me throughout the meeting?” The strange thing about doing Atkins for me, is that once I decided not to have one because I can’t have one, they no longer existed on the table next to me.

On day two, I began to notice a slight headache and excessive thirst. The headache eventually went away and I just drank more water. I also made note that I felt fuller longer on the protein, which is a given. Often, my usual breakfast of a bagel or cereal would leave me craving more carbs and hungry before the afternoon rolled around. Those are good tips for me to learn. I didn’t think about food at all, I was satisfied.

Day three went pretty well, I had eggs and bacon for breakfast and a grilled chicken salad for lunch. It wasn’t until dinner that I had the feeling of “there is nothing Atkins-friendly I want to eat” so I didn’t. I ended up snacking on a processed beef stick and an ounce of pistachio nuts. I just couldn’t deal with meat, or vegetables or even cooking them after I spent 45 minutes at the gym, so I went to bed without food. But, strangely wasn’t hungry.

Day four is going well but, I am craving carbohydrates which explains the title of this entry. I had four eggs with cheese and ham for breakfast and I’m struggling with ideas for lunch outside of my usual grilled chicken salad. I feel like this diet is providing me with the idea that every meal doesn’t need bread or pasta with it. I also feel like there are going to be days when I don’t even think about food and others where I throw pity parties because of the planning and lack of variety involved with following this diet.

I wanted to address a couple of concerns and questions that I’ve had regarding my decision to try different diets. I think I have a little bit of a scientist in me that is excited to try new things and make hypothesis on my experiments. My main motive for doing this is not so much to find a diet that will work for me, or to even have consistent weight loss. I have a suspicious feeling that I will lose weight regardless of what plan I follow and that it doesn’t matter if I’m counting carbs, fat, calories or points, they all work. But, maybe not, that’s the point of this. People review products and in essence I’m reviewing diets.

Even on day four of Atkins I’m thinking “okay, I get this I really need to eat more protein, not only for long-term weight loss, but to feel fuller and satisfied longer”. It’s also a challenge for me because I am headed in a stage of my life where I am looking for other sources of protein that don’t involve animal flesh. Those other sources are not allowed on the beginning stages of Atkins, but that’s okay because I like the challenge.

I’m pretty excited about all of this, even if I would love a brownie right now. Thrust forward I say!

Also, I have added some new features to the sub-links on the right hand side of my blog. You will find my Atkins food journal and another page for my Atkins results where I will post before and after pictures along with weight lost. I also post in the exercise log as well, and if you are interested in being apart of my inspirational blogs list just sent me an email at tokenfatgirlatgmaildotcom and we can swap links!

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Tales from the old days of Atkins

After many drunken nights my friends and I would have post-party cravings for fast food. Keep in mind that towards the end of my Atkins adventure, I was drinking vodka with anything sugar free despite Dr. Atkins advice to avoid alcohol. So there we were, three girls, two drunk and one DD (designated driver) toting our drunk asses through the Burger King window around 4AM when I declared (more like slurred) that I wanted the double "whipper" with cheese, not whopper, but whipper. I would then give the bun away and chew on the greasy meat and cheese in the back seat of my friends car.

Another time at the grocery store I discovered sugar-free cake with icing. I took it home and enjoyed it a little too much. There are very vile effects to eating too much sugar-free desserts and candy that I won't go into, but shortly after my cake consumption I turned to bacon and ate about six slices. As I watched TV my stomach started to grumble and I looked at my room mate in desperation, I barely got out the words "I think I'm going to puke" when she was running towards me with a plastic bag.

I also have to tell you about the time that I really really wanted a hotdog. I had the hotdogs, but no buns of course. So, I thought it would be a good idea to put a hotdog with cheese and mayonaise on a low carb tortilla wrap. What was I thinking? The same former room mates walked in on me and my invention. They laughed and I was disappointed in myself for letting the diet get to that point.

And last but certainly not least, on the final day of my diet I caved and got a biscuit from Tudors (biscuit place in WV) with sausage, eggs and potatoes. I was in biscuit heaven. Later on that evening we went out to a toga party and drank then danced then drank some more. As we settled into the apartment for the night I began to cry (in the way that only drunks do) and whimper "I'm so ugly! I ate a biscuit!".

I look back on this and have a laugh (and hope you did too), but lets hope I've learned my lesson.

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New Challenges for the token fat girl

Call it what you will: experiment, challenge, curiosity, but I have decided to do a little research on dieting. I've had this idea for awhile now, but it’s only until recently that I’ve decided to put this into action.

I'm a believer in three things when it comes to losing weight:
1. you have to exercise 2. any diet will work if you stick to it (ie: a life style change and can be tolerable for a long time to bring you into maintenance) 3. Every diet is not for everyone

That said, for the next few months (or as long as I can stand it) I am going on a new diet every month for one month. I will rate the diet on a few key items, such as: convenience, energy levels, how i handle cravings, pms and stress on the diet, daily challenges, weight lost, and how hard it is to follow. I will continue doing my weekly weigh-ins, daily food tracking, and continuing with my monthly goals.

This month is the (dun dun dun) Atkins diet. I have reservations about this diet for many reasons that are pretty obvious. I did this diet once without exercise and lost about 10 lbs for each 4 months I followed the plan. I went from 280 to 240 and went from a size 24/26 to 18/20. While the diet did work, I wasn't prepared for what I would do when I went off the diet. I didn't think about counting calories and all that, I was more focused on eating as many carbs as possible.

So, anyway I've dedicated one month to my own study of this diet. I look forward to my thoughts about the diet and results at the end of the month. I'm doing this for several reasons:
to lose weight, to challenge myself, to learn new ideas about my relationship with food, my bodies reaction to food, to challenge my pesky cravings and to maybe provide some information to curious readers.

The Atkins Induction plan is pretty simple and can be found anywhere on the internet or in books. You basically stay under 20 carbohydrates a day for the first two weeks and then you can start adding nuts and berries.

For me, the pros of the diet are: olive oil, butter, bacon, dressing, meats and feeling fuller longer.
The cons are: lack of convenience, meat that grosses me out, and less food variety.


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Where I belong?

I made it back from WV in one piece and realized what a giant baby I was being about riding in a plane. It wasn’t really that big of a deal and it never is. Someone please slap me if I ever start complaining again about flying.

My trip was nice, I didn’t count points while I was gone and I had my fair share of Easter and restaurant foods. I did exercise once on Saturday, I danced to the music stations in my parent’s living room for about an hour. It was more like weird aerobics that seemed to scare the cat.

I didn’t think I would miss New York while I was gone, but it’s hard going from one lifestyle to another especially when they are so different from one another. There are things that make me sad about how I used to live in WV…the lack of exercise or movement of any type, finding the closest parking spot to the store, the boredom eating, driving everywhere, no sidewalks, chain restaurants everywhere and just a lack of care about how this lifestyle affects ones health, life and appearance. It’s hard to go back and see that this is how I was and still struggle not to be.

So, I have picked up where I left off and I hope to have more positive entries and more exciting things to say.

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Fear of Flying

This could be my last post until I return back from WV. I am sitting here at work waiting for 2pm to roll along. I will then get into a cab and ride 45 minutes to JFK. Where I will stand in line, take my shoes off, and back on again and then off to find my gate. After this I will anxiously wait in the waiting room until they start boarding where I will be last because I'm in the back of the plane right beside the bathroom. I will then fly to Ohio and wait another hour before we take off to WV and then...well, then I will be in WV greating the Fam.

I have so much anxiety, the waiting, the lack of oxygen in the back of the plane, the people, the hoping that I'm not overflowing out of my seat.

I really should work on being more positive...positive affirmations! Flying gives me anxiety in so many ways...will they lose my luggage, will I fit into the seats, will my neighbor talk to me a lot about books or the weather or give me a look of disparagement because they have to sit beside a size 22/24 woman with thunder thighs, will the plane be delayed, and last but not least, will the plane crash? ahhhhh

I'll be fine, right? Yes, I assume so.

Wish me luck.

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Unhappy energy

This morning I had my second visit to the gym around 7am. It's nice going early in the morning when everyone else is asleep and the gym is empty. I rode for 45 minutes on the stationary bike with hill climbs and watched the cosby show. That’s the thing about not having cable, watching TV at the gym is like an extra incentive.

I am still struggling with my lack of (what I'll call) "life energy". I think a lot of people with weight issues use food to fill voids, avoid boredom, and feel happy or comforted. I've read many times when people give up one vice (eating, smoking, alcohol, etc.) they fill the void with a new habit (eating, smoking, alcohol, etc.). I guess I feel like I've felt sad (down, depressed, blue) for along time, but couldn't feel it because I was drowning it in food.

I constantly wonder if other people feel like this or if feeling this down 75% of the time is normal. It's a hard thing to explain to other people, especially people that care about you because they think it has to do with them or something external.

The truth for me is that when I'm happy, I'm happy and I'm not faking it...for the most part. But, I just wish that I felt better on the inside. I feel like I have a lot of positive things in my life right now...I have a good job that pays well, I have a boyfriend that I love and loves me, I have good friends (though far away), good parents/sister, food in my stomach, a nice apartment, a little cat that I love too much, I'm losing weight, exercising and yet I still feel unfulfilled.

A million things go through my mind on why this is...could I just be expecting too much, is it because I lack future direction (I can't be an assistant forever), I have stopped doing the creative things I used to do, my apartment is a constant struggle to keep cleaned, I'm simply not appreciating what I have...on and on and on. I just don't know. And I simply do not always have the energy to pursue the things that do make me happy. Maybe its a constant cycle of sabotage.

I wonder how other people seem so content with their lives, is it real or show and what is their secret? I feel like the things that make me happy are fleeting and somewhat immature, or not tangible. I'm sure this will pass, because it always does, but I know it will keep popping up until I resolve it.

How do I find the hope and energy to do the things that make me happy? How do I find solace and contentment in my life?

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California Rolls and Gym Rats

There is something that happens when you eat a really good and fresh California roll. Something I will call addiction. I can't stop thinking about them, how did they know that the flavors would harmonize when combined?

So I assume that these will be a part of my regular eating habits. If I'm going to be addicted to a food other than chocolate, it might as well be California rolls, right?

Last night was my first adventure into the New York Sports Club. As we were walking up the three flights of stairs to get in I mumbled to Josh "so, when we go, just keep moving we don't want to look like chickens with their heads cut off, we want to look like we know what we are doing...they will come over to us if we act otherwise".

I have about a million gym related fears. One of them includes an instructor telling me that I'm on the machine backwards or upside down. Which is possible, right? Or falling off of a treadmill. Treadmills and elliptical machines scare they hell out of me. The fast movement combined with a panicking need to get off gracefully. I typically stick with the stationary bike. And that's what I did.

I managed and I'm even thinking about getting over my fear of group classes and joining in on one this week.

There is another part of exercise that is really great for the grumpy at heart such as myself. After my workout last night, I was really happy. Happy about life and other things the normally get me down. I was strangely optimistic... smiling, high and happy. But, don't worry, I've returned to my normal self again this morning. I do look forward to feeling the workout high again.

And on a final note, if you love the combination of chocolate and coconut as much as I do, please avoid the new Coconut Cream Hershey Kisses if your co-worker brings them in...I ate about 9 of them yesterday.

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End of the month weigh-in

Aside from the snazzy sock choice of this morning, I am happy to post that I am .5 away from this month’s goal. I'm shocked that I came this close to my goal this week. Shocked and so very happy. I haven't seen the 270's for a very long time. Possibly since my post-Atkins weight gaining days.

There are a few small changes that I made this week, but I did not feel deprived in the least. If you will look at Tuesday, I had two large chocolate chip cookies, but I also did not eat out for lunch or dinner until the Japanese I had yesterday. I also ate fewer of my calories/points for breakfast and lunch leaving the bulk of my points for after work.

I had bagels, real butter, and potatoes this week all within moderation and keeping within my points for the day. Aside from my pizza blunders of past weeks sometimes my co-workers will see me eat things like bagels and ask "should you be eating that?" and I think my answer is, "why not, on occasion if it fits into my points?" I guess I feel like I've come along way from feeling that the only way to lose weight is to sacrifice and suffer. Yogurt, lettuce, apples etc. were the only foods allowed when trying to lose weight. That idea only made me eat more in the long run. I felt like I had to be all into it or I would never lose weight.

I would starve, force and sacrifice until I had enough and gave up. I would do this over and over again never losing weight.

I don't have all of the answers and I'm sure my opinions will change as I learn more, but I feel good that I'm here and I really look forward to the coming months.

On another note, remember my post about the 15-20 lb jeans? Well, to be honest I have a small stash of clothes that once fit or had hope to one day fit. I decided to rummage in it yesterday morning and found another pair of jeans that I bought over a year ago. These were not 15-20lb jeans they had never been worn, but I just couldn't part with them. They were so tight at the time, I had severe muffin top. I decided to try them on yesterday on a lark thinking "if they still don't fit, thats okay", because I knew how bad they didn't fit the last time I tried to squeeze into them. To my surprise and shock, they fit perfectly! I wore them all day yesterday. I kept saying to josh "but, you don't understand! I have new jeans now, they fit!".

All of this makes my flying anxiety disappear a little bit. I will be flying on Thursday and feel like I don't have to worry so much about my rear end not fitting into the seats. I'll post how that goes when I arrive in West Virginia.

And on the final note, we joined the New York Sports Club yesterday. I am looking forward to having a place to work out whenever I want to. I imagine that my weight loss results will be even greater when I start adding more exercise.

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