9/29/2007

Digging deeper

*I just edited this to remove some of the typos, sorry about that.

I've kept things (for the most part) on the surface in this blog. There are people that read my blog that I'd honestly not like to give the power of knowing my weaknesses. My issue with weight, is a bit deeper than my love for food or laziness. Although I read a post recently over at Half of Me, where she proclaimed her love for food and laziness and that is why she got so heavy in the first place. I love that, and I think a lot of us are like that too if we choose to be honest with ourselves.

That post stirred a lot of internal conflict and thinking in me this week. Things I've been wondering about for some time. I've been keeping myself from digging and exploring for answers within myself in hopes that there would eventually be an answer that I could buy, or try or discover. I read something recently somewhere that states "we are who we want to be". Which is a pretty great thought. After I read Miss Pasta's entry I kept thinking "but, why are some of us lazy? why is health and appearance more important to some people and not others?" I'll tell you all, I'm so lazy when it comes to personal appearance unless I've got somewhere to be. Every day Lorrie, well she is a bit rough around the edges. The wrong shade of foundation, wet hair pulled back in a messy bun, chipped nail polish and I never ever iron.

Its hard for me to admit to the things that I'm obviously not, because I want so much to be different. To be the girl that looks good casually, goes to the gym without moments thought and glows with inner beauty.

This brings me to some more digging. About four years into college, I was ready to get out. I didn't know where I'd go or what I'd do, I just wanted out. So instead I went to a school counselor who I'll call Miss M. I told her that I felt like I was floating through life, and disconnected. I explained that my moods would not change if I won a million dollars or if someone close passed away. I felt pretty horrible revealing that, but it was true and on some days it still is.
Miss M. concluded that I was suffering from Dysthymia. What is Dysthymia?

According to wikipedia
Dysthymia is a mood disorder that falls on the depression spectrum. It is typically characterized by a lack of enjoyment or pleasure that continues for an extended period. Dysthymia differs from major depression in that it is both longer-lasting and less disabling. Dysthymia can prevent a person from functioning effectively, disrupt sleep patterns, and interfere with activities of daily living (ADLs). Many dysthymia sufferers have a more specific subtype called atypical depression. Dysthymia sufferers exhibit fairly mild symptoms on a day-to-day basis. Over a lifetime the disorder may have more severe effects, such as a high rate of suicide, work impairment, and social isolation.

After this discovery I went to student health to get a prescription of Paxel, which I ended up taking for about 4 days. And I've never taken anything since. The thing about admitting to depression or mild chronic depression is that I feel like a sham. Because there are times when I can pull out of it, or pretend it isn't present. I feel ashamed to even think or tell other people that I may have depression because my life isn't bad, nor has it ever been. Its kind of like I'm saying "my life isn't good enough". I feel lazy and crazy a good portion of the time and therefore I don't talk about this.

There are things that I feel and think that make me feel that it isn't just who I am. This isn't who I really am. I have a hard time socializing with people, I do not feel authentic when I interact with other people, I get overwhelmed very easily, I'm easily distracted, I have little energy, I have negative thoughts about myself constantly, and I usually have deep feelings of sadness for no apparent reason.

I want to change this way of existence. I don't want to continue "sleep walking" or existing. I've done a lot of research and I believe that whatever it is that I have (or don't have) can been treated without medication. Not that I advocate or don't advocate medication for other people. But, I know that the only way that I can loose weight is to acknowledge how I feel and how this effects my health. I've been doing some research on Dysthymia and I found a lot of resources and suggestions to help someone with this.

Here is what I found:
(1) Feel your feelings (depression is the suppression of feelings -- acknowledging those feelings often causes depression to improve).
(2) Realize that nothing comes out of the blue (your depressed state has a root cause that you should look for in an event or situation).
(3) Challenge your depressed thinking by questioning your assumptions, especially ones that center on meaningless perfectionism.
(4) Establish priorities so that your energies can go towards them
(5) Communicate as directly as possible to everyone around you. Depressed people are often poor communicators who don't get their emotional needs served. With better communication, they can experience a more supportive emotional environment.
(6) Take care of your self.
(7) Take and expect the right responsibility for yourself -- for your own actions. Depressed people often feel guilty about things that they have no responsibility for (like the death of a parent or the divorce of their parents).
(8) Look for heroes. These role models can empower you to see the way to improve, especially if they were also depressed like Lincoln.
(9) Be generous. Helping others puts your own situation into perspective.
(10) Cultivate intimacy. This means letting down your defenses so people can see you as you are, and accept you for that. Depressed people often feel disgusted with their true selves, and hide that self from everyone.
(11) Practice detachment. Depressed people are often overly critical and pessimistic. Seeing things in the proper perspective can heal a lot of inappropriate pain.
(12) Learn to enjoy yourself.
(13) Get help when you need it. This may be the most important piece of advice since so many people do not.

I've read so much lately on the topic and I feel a lot better knowing that other people suffer from the same feelings of inadequacies. I truly believe that there are habits and behaviors that I choose to have that contribute to my feelings of depression. I read somewhere else that people can become addicted to feelings of depression and anxiety, which it a really interesting concept to think about. There are so many times that I choose the easier road of instant satisfaction, which in turn only makes me feel worse. I want to begin undoing depression by replacing depressive patterns of thinking, relating and behaving with a new and more effective set of skills.
There are suggestions that journaling and meditation are effective, which I really agree to and truly help me when I'm not forgetting to do them or getting "caught up" in my negative feelings.

I have a vision of my "ideal" self that I don't present very often. Often times I get caught up in thinking that being somewhere else will be better. I used to cut and color my hair so much that it started to fall out because I felt like my hair was the only thing I had control over. I would think "if only I had better hair then things would change". Which is really silly. There are things that I can do that I know always make me feel better, such as cleaning, exercising or creating art work, but I often feel too defeated and overwhelmed to do them. Sometimes I feel like I have about one productive week a month and the rest is me feeling sorry for myself.

My ideal self is healthy, active, and authentic. She is confident at the weight she is now and even as she loses weight. Her personality shines, she is kind, intelligent, generous and witty. She has a sense of humor and doesn't shell up or sputter words in front of strangers. She doesn't create excuses for not exercising or wait until the house is clean, and the to-do list is finished before she can loose weight. My ideal self has a sense of style and goes on all of the adventures that she imagines in her head. She doesn't let difficult people or situations bring her down. She doesn't lose herself or who she is when challenged by others. She speaks her mind and stands up for herself. She is caring of herself and others. She takes care of herself and finds ways to make herself proud everyday. She lives in the moment, and is able to plan for the future. She doesn't mourn her mistakes in the past and excitedly lives her life. She isn't perfect and doesn't expect everyday to be that way. She is calm and down to earth.

I am her. I haven't let her come out.

I feel guilty about my weight loss in this blog. I don't want to feel like a failure and that my blog is an example of that. I feel bad that I go on and off of diets so quickly. Waiting for it to "click" or to get fed up enough. The truth is, it may never click, but I can realize that everyday I have control over what I want even if getting it isn't always easy. I don't mean to be a flake and I honestly can't remember what I did in the times that I didn't write. My weight has been at 275 (give or take 4 or 5lbs.) since April. It doesn't take a lot of knowledge to know that this weight is not good for me physically or mentally. I cannot continue to wait for it to matter or to click. I don't want my weight to be the deciding factor or contributor of negative feelings in my life.

Everyday I imagine what people must think of me "fat fat fat, lazy, disgusting, fat". Thinking this makes it hard to exist, when all I worry about is that everyone is judging me because of my weight. I shouldn't worry about that, but I do. I don't want to be the "fat girl", yet I've encountered many people who shine at my weight and let other people in. I want to be that person and choose to loose weight too.

My goals are changing to include weight loss in a different way. I want to heal myself and my thinking patterns. I want to focus more on exercise and eating well. So many times I will go off of a diet and eat all of the "bad" foods that I can stomach before I go back on the said. Most of the time I don't even want to food, I eat it because I feel like I have to.

I really love Nigella Lawson and there is a clip on youtube where she talks about her food philosophy. She doesn't deprive herself of things she loves, but she also doesn't hold priority over certain foods. She said that she loves eating fruits and vegetables because they are beautiful and she feels good when she eats them. She doesn't simply eat something because its "healthy" or because its unhealthy. She loves food, but doesn't abuse it. Her philosophy is wonderful. So many times I've eaten a salad at work or with other people and they make a comment about my "healthy" choices or that I'm on a diet. But, can we not eat whole some foods simply because we love them?

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9/24/2007

Unformed Egg


Breakfast! My version of an egg McMuffin. I couldn't get my egg to stay in the uniform O shape. This has 2 slices of turkey bacon, 1/8 cup of cheddar, and one egg. 7 points

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9/23/2007

Tonights Dinner

Turkey Meatloaf and Cheesy Potatoes

Turkey Meatloaf:
1 lb. ground turkey breast
1/2 cup Italian Bread Crumbs
3 garlic cloves -chopped
1 medium/large onion-chopped
1/2 green pepper-chopped
One egg
1 cup tomato sauce
Worcestershire sauce
basil (1 tsp.)
salt (1/2-1/4 tsp.)
pepper (1/2-1/4 tsp.)
2 tbs. olive oil
1/4 cup ketchup (save for the top)

Preheat oven to 350(f) degrees
Heat olive oil over medium heat with onions, green peppers and garlic. Cook until tender. Place onions, garlic and green peppers in a large bowl after they are cooked and let sit until they are cool enough to handle. Put the remaining ingredients in the bowl and mix well, careful not to over work the meat. Spray a loaf or pie pan with non-stick spray. Place mixture in the pan and cook for 45-55 minutes. Spread ketchup on top of your meatloaf when done and place in the oven for 5 more minutes.
The whole loaf has 18 points. I divided mine into 5 servings at 4 points each.


Quick Cheesy Potatoes:
4 medium russet potatoes-cubed
2 shallots (or medium onion)-chopped
4oz. can of chopped green chile's
1/4 cup green peppers- diced
1/2 cup cheddar cheese
1 tbs. Olivio (or your choice of butter)
for taste: garlic powder, salt, pepper, and hot sauce
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
Cook your potatoes in the microwave for about 8 minutes or until tender (you can boil them as well). While your potatoes are cooking, cook your onions, and green peppers over medium heat until tender. When the potatoes are done place them in a spray pan (about 8x8) and top with melted butter, chile's, green pepper and onion mixture, and a dash or two of hot sauce. Sprinkle with garlic powder, salt and pepper and then with your cheese. Cook for about 15 minutes or until the potatoes are slightly brown.
14 points for the whole dish. I split this into 4 servings at 3.5 points per serving.
This could be even lower in points with some sort of butter spray instead of butter, and reduced fat cheddar.

Total points for dinner: 8.5

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Weigh-In

Here is my scale photo from this morning, please ignore my horrible troll feet I tried to crop them out! haha Next time there will be socks!

So, I'm at 275.5 for my first weigh-in back in the groove so to speak. I'm happy that the scale is down, but I also realize that this is a re-loss. The scale read 280 this past Sunday which I refuse to let get any higher or that high again.

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9/20/2007

Grape Nut O's w/ Banana

Breakfast: 8 points (2 servings cereal, one banana, 80z. skim milk)

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9/19/2007

Thai shrimp and noodles


Today's lunch! 6 points

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9/18/2007

Karen Voight


Just kicked my ass.

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Tonights Dinner (I found my camera!)

5 Turkey sausage and herb stuffed mushrooms and romaine+arugula salad w/ seedless cucumbers, tomatoes, 1/2 oz. feta and 1 tbsp. ranch dressing. Total points for dinner: 5 (seriously!)




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Two things I'm loving this week (and its only Tuesday)

So, as you can see in one of my recent posts I did a menu for myself this week. I went through my Weigh Watchers cookbook and found recipes that looked good and bought groceries accordingly. So far I've made the Thai shrimp salad (last night for lunch today) and the honey teriyaki salmon. I am so impressed with these recipes. One because they are easy and really good (and good for you) and two because they are not full of fakey "diet" ingredients. Tonight I am making sausage and herb stuffed mushrooms. If and when I find my camera I will start taking pictures of the meals I make. Sometimes I get mentally blocked about cooking. I think about all of the steps and preparation and end up talking myself out of it. I'm trying to tell my inner negative talker to shut up and cook.

I went to the gym yesterday morning with Josh at 6:30 am, that was incredibly early for both of us (mostly him though). I think early gym dates will have to be a couple of days a week. I'm going to go to the gym tonight as soon as I get home from work so I don't get too cozy.

Oh yes, the other thing I love. My new digital food scale! It's awesome. I was really confused with the idea that I could weigh things in a bowl (with an accurate reading) and could not mentally figure it out. I can be a bit...dumb at times. So I hit the "tare" button and put the bowl on top and it went to 0 grams/ounces. A light bulb went off . I was finally able to see what 4oz of rice noodles looks like! And one pound of shrimp. It also has nutritional information programed in and all you have to do is punch the code in. Oh digital scale you are awesome to me.

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9/16/2007

Have I lost yet?

This past week I was feeling down due to my on coming period. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I really hate bringing up pms or periods. It feels very cliche to use it as an excuse to check-out temporarily. You'd think after 11 years of these things I would pinpoint the mood swings and the cravings before they happen. Nope, instead I spend a week thinking I am mentally insane and a failure at life. And then, it passes and I rejoin the living.

So I'm not going to do a long winded entry today about philosophies on being fat and my problems with being fat. I'm giving myself and my excuses a kick in the ass. Its a bit simple right now, I'm back to counting my weight watchers points (you can find these in my food journal to the right). I'm back to my weekly weigh-in's on Sundays (with camera photograph of the scale). I'm back to taking monthly progress photographs. And I'm back to cooking and all of that.

I need to lose weight. I want to lose weight. I need to be healthy. I want to feel proud of my health.

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This weeks menu ideas

Meal ideas from groceries in previous post:

Sunday Dinner: Baked Salmon w/salad and potatoes

Monday:
Breakfast: Turkey bacon and eggs
Lunch: Smart ones meal entree and salad
snack: graham cracker and grapes
Dinner: Thai shrimp and noodle salad
Snack: fruit*

Tuesday: turkey bacon and eggs or oatmeal/applesauce
Lunch: grilled ham and cheese panini
Snack: *
Dinner: Honey Teriyaki Salmon, sausage and herb stuffed mushrooms, green vegetables
Snack:*

Wednesday:
Breakfast: turkey bacon and eggs or oatmeal
Lunch: Chicken and pasta salad with cucumber ranch dressing
Snack:
Dinner: Shrimp Bisque (chile cornbread?), green vegetables
Snack:

Thursday:
Breakfast:
Lunch: Leftover bisque, sandwich (chicken pasta salad)
Snack:
Dinner: Meatloaf w/ caramlized onions and mushrooms, potato gratin, green vegetable

Friday:
Breakfast:
Snack:
Lunch: Thai beef on lettuce leaves (or leftovers)
Dinner: turkey chili w/ chile cornbread, or thai beef or lettuce leaves
Snack:

Saturday:
Breakfast: fruit, turkey, eggs
Snack:
Lunch:leftovers
Snack:
Dinner: turkey chili w/ chile cornbread or leftovers

Sunday:
Breakfast: light pancakes or french toast
Snack:
Lunch:sandwich/salad
Dinner: Shrimp Tapas
Snack:

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This weeks groceries



Bakery
1

FreshDirect Parbaked Sourdough Boule (16oz)
($2.99/ea) $2.99



Cheese
0.5 lb

Domestic Parmesan (Grated)
($8.99/lb) $4.88 *


Coffee
1

French Roast Coffee (1.0 lb, Percolator, Standard Pack)
($5.99/lb) $5.99 *


Dairy
1

Athenos Feta Cheese (8oz)
($3.29/ea) $3.29

1

Farmland Cultured Lowfat Buttermilk (1 quart)
($1.99/ea) $1.99

1

Kraft Natural Shredded Part-Skim Mozzarella (8oz)
($3.69/ea) $3.69

1

Louis Rich Turkey Bacon (12oz)
($3.19/ea) $3.19

1

Olivio Premium Spread (16oz)
($2.39/ea) $2.39

1

Polly-O Part-Skim Shredded Mozzarella Cheese (8oz)
($3.69/ea) $3.69

1

Richfood Shredded Sharp Cheddar Cheese (8oz)
($2.59/ea) $2.59



Deli
1

FreshDirect Deli Value Pack (Muenster, D & W Black Forest Ham, FreshDirect Roasted Turkey)
($7.99/ea) $7.99

0.75 lb

FreshDirect Roast Beef (Standard)
($8.99/lb) $6.74 *


Frozen
3

Swanson Turkey Pot Pie (7oz)
($1.10/ea) $3.30
S


Fruit
4

Yellow Bananas (Farm Fresh, Half Yellow)
($0.59/lb) $1.06 *


Grocery
1

A Taste Of Thai Rice Noodles (16oz)
($2.49/ea) $2.49

1

De Cecco Tricolor Farfalle (16oz)
($1.99/ea) $1.99

1

Del Monte Fresh Cut Diced Tomatoes (14.5oz)
($1.19/ea) $1.19

1

Frescorti Marinara Sauce (26oz)
($1.79/ea) $1.79

1

FreshDirect Ground Cloves (2oz)
($3.99/ea) $3.99

1

Glicks Olive Oil Cooking Spray (5oz)
($3.99/ea) $3.99

2

Goya Kidney Beans (15.5oz)
($0.79/ea) $1.58

1

Heinz Ketchup Squeezable (24oz)
($2.09/ea) $2.09

1

Hellmann's Reduced Fat Mayonnaise (32oz)
($4.39/ea) $4.39

1

Hunt's Tomato Paste (6oz)
($0.89/ea) $0.89

1

Indian Head Yellow Corn Meal (32oz)
($1.29/ea) $1.29

2

Old El Paso Chopped Green Chiles (4oz)
($1.49/ea) $2.98

1

Planters Dry Roasted Unsalted Peanuts (16oz jar)
($3.19/ea) $3.19

1

ReaLime Lime Juice (8oz)
($2.09/ea) $2.09

1

Roland Fish Sauce (6.76oz)
($1.29/ea) $1.29

1

Roland Red Curry Paste (6.8oz)
($2.49/ea) $2.49

1

Spice Supreme Crushed Red Pepper (2.75oz)
($0.79/ea) $0.79

1

Thomas' Sahara White Pita Pocket Bread (6pc)
($2.19/ea) $2.19



Meat
2
lb
90% Lean Ground Sirloin (USDA Choice)
($4.99/lb) $9.98 *
1
lb
All Breast Meat Fresh Ground Turkey (Grade A)
($4.29/lb) $4.29 *
3

Bottom Round Steak (0.5", USDA Choice, Standard Pack)
($4.99/lb) $5.72 *
1
lb
Fresh Ground Chicken (Grade A)
($2.99/lb) $2.99 *
1
lb
FreshDirect Fresh Sweet Italian Turkey Sausage
($4.49/lb) $4.49 *


Seafood
1

Farm-Raised Atlantic Salmon Fillet Value Pack (4pc, 8-10oz ea)
($8.49/lb) $19.10 *
1

Farm-Raised Cleaned Medium Shrimp Value Pack (80 shrimp per pack)
($8.99/lb) $17.98 *


Vegetables & Herbs
1

Celery (Farm Fresh, Med)
($1.99/ea) $1.99

1

Curly Parsley (Farm Fresh)
($1.89/ea) $1.89

2

Field Tomatoes (Farm Fresh)
($1.99/lb) $2.65 *
2

Green Bell Pepper (Farm Fresh, Lg)
($1.29/lb) $1.72 *
1

Mini Seedless Cucumber (12oz)
($2.49/ea) $2.49

3

Red Potato (Farm Fresh, Med)
($1.29/lb) $1.63 *
1

Shallots (6oz, Farm Fresh, 6oz bag)
($2.49/ea) $2.49

1

Watercress (Farm Fresh)
($1.99/ea) $1.99

1

White Button Mushrooms, Packaged (Farm Fresh, 8oz pkg)



($2.19/ea) $2.19

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9/10/2007

Groceries for the week

Bakery
1
FreshDirect Frozen Sliced Whole Wheat Pullman Loaf (24oz)




1
Just Bagels Everything, Frozen (6pk)






Dairy
1
Louis Rich Turkey Bacon (12oz)




1
Nature's Yoke Organic Free-Roaming Large Brown Eggs (1 dozen)




1
The Laughing Cow Original Spreadable Cheese Wedges (8pc)






Frozen
1
Birds Eye Chicken Voila Zesty Garlic Chicken (20oz bag)




1
Weight Watchers Smart Ones Fiesta Chicken (8.5oz)




1
Weight Watchers Smart Ones Ravioli Florentine (8.5oz)




2
Weight Watchers Smart Ones Santa Fe Style Rice & Beans (10oz)




2
Weight Watchers Smart Ones Traditional Lasagne w/ Meat Sauce (10.25oz)






Fruit
3
Bosc Pear (Farm Fresh, Med)




1
Golden Ripe Pineapple (Farm Fresh, Varies)




1
Green Seedless Grapes (Farm Fresh)




3
Juice Orange (Farm Fresh, Med)




3
Lemons (Farm Fresh, Med)




1
Red Jacket Orchards Joe's Seasonal Plum Pick (Local)




5
Yellow Bananas (Farm Fresh, Half Yellow)






Grocery
2
Apple & Eve Cranberry Apple Juice (8.45oz boxes 3pk)




1
Coca-Cola Diet Coke (12oz cans 6pk)




1
Del Monte Fresh Cut Diced Tomatoes (14.5oz)




1
Health Valley Low-Fat Stoned Wheat Crackers (6oz)




2
Hormel Chili with Beans (15oz)




1
Mott's Natural Apple Sauce (23oz)




1
Quaker Regular Instant Oatmeal (11.8oz)




1
Rold Gold Honey Wheat Braided Pretzels (10oz)






Meat
1
lb
90% Lean Ground Sirloin (USDA Choice)






Seafood
1

Atlantic Salmon Fillet Value Pack (4pc, 8-10oz ea)






Vegetables & Herbs
1
Baby Bello Mushrooms, Packaged (8oz, Farm Fresh)




1
Ready Pac Baby Arugula (5oz)




2
Romaine Lettuce (Farm Fresh)


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Stats for Sunday September 9th

Food:
2 eggs
5 slices turkey bacon
2oz. turkey kielbasa
bun
California club pizza
peach passion alcoholic drink
cookie mix sundae

Weigh in: 275.0 (15 lbs to loose for mini goal of 260 by Oct. 20th)

Exercise: a lot of walking in Manhattan

Notes: Lets just call this the weekend of indulgences! There was Indian food then French food and then to top the weekend off there was pizza from the California Pizza Kitchen and then we stopped in Dylan's Candy Bar, left, then returned. Me and Josh ordered (then regretted) two of the most over the top sundaes ever ($10 each!). It started with caramel lined cups, and then ice cream, candy, whipped cream, pieces of a cookie, whipped cream, sprinkles, then more drizzles of caramel and chocolate. Seriously, while watching them make it, I kept thinking "ok, he will stop adding....now, no...now? no!" it got embarrassing after a little while watching him add...and then add and then add. It was the most over the top dessert I've ever had. I left wishing I has gotten the frozen hot chocolate instead. It was an experience either way. We did do a lot of walking around the city, not that it covers the sundae :)

Anyhow, this week looks good food and exercise wise, I'm not doing that whole "tomorrow will be better" crap, today I own what I did ate and move on. No eating out this week!

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9/09/2007

Mini Weight loss goal

I was thinking today how I would really like to aim for 260 as my next goal. I was hoping to be there by now, but I feel like I can make that happen. It's only 15 lbs and its not so daunting to only focus on 15lbs.

I'd like to give myself about a month and a half for that goal which is right around the time of my sisters wedding. I think that is a pretty good incentive. It equals out to a 3 pound loss a week.

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Stats for Saturday September 8th

Food:
1 egg
3 slices of turkey bacon
1 cup organic strawberry fields cereal
1/2 cup organic fat free milk
streak w/ herb butter
pomme frites (french fries)
one glass red wine
butter and sugar crepe w/ whipped cream

Weigh in: 275.0

Exercise: Walked 22 blocks to and from the restaurant

Notes: I think I did pretty well today. I would have liked to have gone to the gym though. Josh took me out to a nice french restaurant and I pretty much ate a days worth of calories at dinner. I kept the food low during the day to make up for what I would consume in the evening :) It was so good! Anyway, its getting easier to trust myself with food, and a little easier to think about what I'm eating.

I was worried that not being on a plan would make me want to eat a lot, but its making me not think about food as much and not crave it as much. Should be interesting.

I'm going to the grocery store tomorrow and will schedule exercise in for the week.

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9/08/2007

Stats for Friday September 7th

Food:
3 eggs
5 slices of turkey bacon

lots of fruit at work: grapes, melon, strawberries, pineapples, kiwi etc.

crab meat sushi

boston hand roll

california hand roll

two slices of baguette dipped in olive oil

4 pita squares dipped in tzatziki

grilled chicken caesar salad

Weight: 277.5
Exercise: Didn't go to the gym, but did a lot of walking this morning

Notes: Everything was pretty good food wise. I want to work on smaller portions and stopping when I'm full. The salad was good, but they put too much dressing on it, next time will ask for it on the side. Would like to schedule for gym time either before or after work. Chugging along :) oh, and whats up with the 3lb increase from yesterday?

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9/07/2007

Catching up: Stats for Wednesday and Thursday

I will normally post these at the end of the day, but I wanted to catch up first.

Wednesday September 5th

Food:
5 slices of turkey bacon
3 eggs w/ one slice of provolone (no oil)
8oz. of juice
4.5 oz turkey kielbasa
2 buns
8 oz. salmon (with a little olivio and lemon)
corn on the cob 1/ 1 tablespoon olivio

Exercise: 25 minutes of upper arm strength training, 55 minutes cardio kick
Weigh in: non

Notes: A pretty good day food wise. I'd like to focus on lower portions. I only ate when I was hungry. The exercise was really good, I plan on being sore tomorrow.
******************************************************************
Thursday September 6th
Food:
4oz. turkey kielbasa
2 buns
4 mini granola bars
amy's organic whole wheat bean and rice burrito
chicken tika masala
naan


Weigh in: 274.5
Exercise: Didn't go to the gym, but took a walk from the bank during lunch (about 15 minutes)

Notes: Today was okay, I ate too many granola bars and too much Indian food. I was really craving the Indian food and I was so hungry that I just ate it all so quickly. I was really stuffed afterwards. I would like to try and focus more on not eating so quickly. As far as the granola bars its just a matter of not having that sort of thing around in large quantities or I will feel tempted to eat it all.

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9/06/2007

Juggling Act

Did you know I could juggle? Its true, when I was in 6th grade my gym teacher Miss Lor let me borrow her juggling scarves to practice over spring break. I never brought them back to her, which is pretty typical of me. I loved it, and even moved on to more substantial objects like balls or fruit. I sort of forgot how to juggle and I can't seem to do three anymore, only two.

Oh, how I dislike comparative writing, but it seems that I am juggling things pretty randomly lately. I've got so many things up in the air right now that I just want to go take a nap.

I took the day off yesterday to sort out what I've been putting off for weeks now. I made a list of everything I want to accomplish and everything that is stressing me out about the process. I made a list titled "I'd like to wake up one morning..." and proceeded to list all of the things that would be amazing to wake up to. Being thinner, working from home, have an organized/neat apartment, long and really good hair (for good measure), and a few other more personal things.

I realized that when I first started weight watchers towards the end of January I was being cocky, I thought "oh, this isn't so hard" or "I now know how to lose weight!" if you don't believe me, go read some older entries. Anyway, what I realized was that I wasn't approaching weight loss too differently from any time in the past. I didn't plan for the birthday food that turned into the Easter food that turned into the stress food that turned into the 4th of July food and so admittedly aside from the kickboxing classes I've been floundering around since mid-march.

I hadn't been to a kick boxing class in I don't know how long and I have to say that I was scared to go back. I didn't want to be the typical person that gives up on weight loss, and I was that. I didn't want to be judged. I went last night and realized that I was the only person judging.

I have to say that this blog is the biggest tool for my weight loss. I know I could easily just delete it when things get hard, but instead I've been ignoring it when I haven't been acting up to the standards I've set for myself. I fear what others will think if I write about the hard days instead of just the good days, but I'm only human. So, there will be more honesty around here as far as posting even on the hard days.

I can't count every thing I eat right now. I can, but I'm choosing not to because if weight loss is a life style change I don't see how realistic it is to expect myself to count points or calories for the rest of my life. It is however realistic to write down what I eat every day while I'm losing weight. I've got to start trusting myself around food. The focus around here will not be how many calories I've consumed, but the quality of food I did eat. The management of portions and tuning into real hunger instead of cravings. Its about being healthy and exercising. This is where I'm at right now.

So, thank you little blog for bringing me here. I am making the commitment to blog everyday and to do an end of the day over view with what I ate, my weight and the exercise I did.

Thanks for sticking it out with me!

PS: Fat Brides Maid if you read this please send me your address so that I can send your DVD's to you! tokenfatgirl@gmail.com

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