one is silver and the other gold

Happy Holidays my blog friends! How has the past week been for you? I'm finally putting a close to my vacation today as we head back to our home in Virginia. I was treated way too kindly over the holidays, with more gifts than I ever deserve and more food than I ever needed.

I also had an extra special treat of meeting with Krissie (and Nathan!) from Questions for Dessert this past Friday. I will admit that I had extra twinges of new-person nervousness, but as soon as we sat down I felt like I was meeting up with old friend (s). Who knew? I've been following Krissie's blog for over two years now and feel extra lucky to have gained a friendship out of blogging. And can I just say that there are a few uncanny similarities between her husband and my future husband?

(Krissie's picture! I will upload my photo when I get back home.)

And so here it is, I find myself almost at the cornerstone of the of the years biggest day for people who want to lose weight: New Years! I love New Years, I love making new goals and I love reflecting over the past year. I was just read Fat Bridesmaids blog about feeling like 2009 is going to be a big year and I couldn't agree with her more.

For me, 2008 was filled with changes and movement. There are a lot of things I did that I'm proud of such as leaving a job where things were quickly deteriorating, moving to a smaller town to open up creative doors for myself, keeping up with this blog and creating new memories.

There are things that I've learned: such as doing hard things even if I don't want to in order to get to where I need to be, that and procrastination only feels good in the moment, and making excuses for not getting to where I want to be.

There are things that I am grateful for: being able to exercise and use my body, for my decent health despite weight/food abuse (which I know that this is due to being relatively young), for Josh who endless support and encouragement is more than I ever deserve, for my family and new family for "getting me" and laughing at my silly jokes and for providing advice and an extra ear, and to my friends who regardless of miles and life changes can still be the same friends they always were.

I'll be around, I've got a lot to do before the new year. I've got some banners to mail off, some goals to get moving on and a new look for this blog!

Are you guys excited about the new year?

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Still here...sorta

I'm here! I've been recording my food and whatnot, I just know I would be lying to myself if I thought I'd be able to keep this up everyday right now while everything is in overdrive.

I know I'm not alone in the busyness of the holiday and trying to squeeze in so much. I am behind on emails, phone calls, projects, gift making and wrapping-but I will get caught up!

Tonight I'm working on some top-secret christmas presents and will pretty much not be doing anything else this weekend if it doesn't involve baking and present making. I made some reindeer food tonight, erg, that stuff is addictive. I'm thinking about stashing my baking stuff at my sister in-laws house because we are just no good when it comes to not eating sweets.

How are you guys doing with the baking and eating of holiday foods? Its pretty much a given that I will enjoy a few of my holiday favorites, but I'd rather avoid the gorge and then get sick ritual that I'm known to go through.

The first Christmas after I moved to nyc, I came home to WV and practically ran to Wendy's and ate a giant hamburger+fries and some cheesecake and god knows what else. Needless to say I was so sick that I couldn't even leave the house for the weekend. Nice. I know.

Must exercise this week. That is what I'm focusing on right now.

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Daily Objective: getting started, now

I started this writing a bunch of over explained nonsense :) As per usual haha. I think this is pretty self-explanatory. I love, love bloggers who record their daily food intake because I am completely nosy and curious as to what people are eating.

This is why I love blogs so much, I know a lot of people like blogs that are about someone's opinions, but I truly love the mundain little bits of every day life. The little stuff that usually goes unseen.

I finally tried out my netflixed DVD, Amy Bento: Hi-Lo Extreme Workout. I only made it to 40 minutes before I collapsed on the couch. This workout is not for the faint of heart. One of the things that appealed to me about this DVD was its advertised lack in "overly complicated moves" which was mentioned on the website and on the actual DVD.

Uh, I don't know what her definition of overly complicated moves, but I felt like I was trying to follow the energizer bunny on speed. I think my kick boxing experience helped me to keep up, but I'm really curious to see if a really fit person could have kept up better. Its not that I didn't have the stamina to do the workout, I just couldn't keep up with the crazy moves.

If there was a move that was hard, I just filled it in with kick boxing/cardio moves from my former class to keep moving.

I loved the DVD for the challenge and the great sweat that I got. As much as I love the elliptical, nothing compares to a high intensity cardio class where I'm dripping in sweat and pushing myself. To me, that is the best workout. I know I will be sore tomorrow. I'm sore now.

I also loved that you don't need a ton of room to exercise or any extra equipment.

I'll probably do another workout with Amy Bento before I find another one on netflix to rent. I'm look for a challenging kickboxing dvd that has relatively uncomplicated moves.

Sorry for the crappy last picture, it was dark out making it really hard to get a decent shot. This was a last minute concoction of onions, green peppers and lean ground turkey (cooked on the skillet with olive oil) mixed with tomato sauce and spices (garlic, basil, cinnamon,salt, pepper etc) and sauces (worchestshire, hot sauce) and then tossed with whole wheat ziti, topped with mozzarella and baked at 400 for 25 minutes.
I need to go to the store! We are having guests next week and I have some baking to do this weekend so I'm just getting by until then. I definantly need some fresh vegetables.

I'm setting goals and getting more organized lately. 2009 is going to be a busy year, I have a lot that I want to accomplish and I know that the more direction I have the better off I'll be. The more organization I have the more I can get done.

I want to lose 100 lbs, (more like 150, but I'll get to the last 50 when I get there) which is a little over 8 lbs a month for a year. I don't want to set time frame goals, but I like the direction and the motivation I get from weighing in and recording my food. Non-weight related goals are coming, but basically involve exercise and eating better.

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creating my own monster

I have a few things I want to blog about, but most of that will have to wait until this evening. I'm starting a blog schedule, special blogs for certain days, more public weigh-ins and food journaling mostly for my own good. :)

I went to the dentist this morning and it wasn't so bad after all. I've been harboring incredibly insane thoughts about this tooth for a year now. I went to the denist from hell in September of 2007, at the Fulton mall in Brooklyn. At the time I didn't know any better. If you've ever been to the Fulton mall in Brooklyn, you know what I mean.

Needless to say I pointed at a tooth that was bothering me, the dentist slapped a filling over it and the tooth bothered me even more ever since. I dreaded going back and then lost my insurance and then the filling broke off a day ago while eating popcorn and was wedged between two teeth.

I dreaded going this morning because of the cost without insurance, because it was a new dentist and because of the pain. In reality, I don't really enjoy going to any doctor because of my deep fear that they will blame all of my ailments on my weight.

I went to a nurse practitioner a few years ago because of an ingrown toenail (gross), she gave me an antibiotic and when it didn't heal on its own she suggested I get checked for diabetes and advised I go to counseling for diabetic treatment. Eventually she made an appointment for me to have half of the toenail removed, I did, it hurt, but then miraculously it healed. Very quickly. And I didn't have diabetes, I was just fat.

Every time I go to the doctor and they do my blood pressure they always say "I'm surprised its normal". Thanks.

Its not that I care if a doctor wants to talk about my weight, I talk about it all the time. I know the horrible effects that extra weight has on my body, but sometimes I just want to not have that fear in my head. Will they judge me because of my weight?

And this all goes back to yet another reason why being fat isn't fun. Everyday situations are much more stressful: fitting in airplane seats, going to the doctor, riding on a roller coaster...whatever it is I always play the mental game of worse case scenario.

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out of the house

Hey guess what? I'm at the library right now! I'm trying my hand at doing my work outside of the house a couple of days a week to see how I like it. Working from home can be really lonely and distracting at times. My only complaint is the lack of outlets for those using laptops. Plus, I wore my gym clothes so I can get a workout in while I'm out.

I have a lot that I want to ramble about today, so there isn't a specific daily objective.

First, I need to set some goals. I know I talked about not having a date to lose weight by and thats not really what I mean. I need to set some goals to aim for because right now while I'm doing o-kay I could be doing a lot better. I know my main goal is to lose weight, but I want to be more specific and organized about my efforts.

I watched old episodes of The Biggest Loser last night and man that it was inspiring. Every time after I watch the show I want to go running and screaming down the street and have people cheer for me every time I lose weight. I know its not deemed healthy to lose that much weight alone, but they make it look so tempting.

I really loved when they showed the contestants their progress after three months at the weight loss campus. One girl improved her insulin, one guy was taken off of his blood pressure medicine and the other guy lowed his cholesterol by over 100 points. It really shows how hard our bodies work when we are overweight.

I have to go to the dentist tomorrow to take care of a filling that has fallen out of my tooth. Not looking forward to that. I had the filling put in, in Brooklyn over a year ago and it never felt right.

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Daily Objective: celebrate life

I was going to write today about morning exercise and food organization, but neither one would be accurate to what I am doing today. Today we are driving an hour to our favorite Indian restaurant for lunch, and then going to the new museum in Roanoke and then to the movies. All in the name of our one year engagement anniversary.

I don't have a lot to say on the subject other than its nice to take time to appreciate what is going on in our lives. To go out of our way to do things for other people or to just reflect on the good stuff. Sometimes a long journey to weight loss can be very self-involved leaving little time or thought to everyone else in the world.

This morning I was taking time for a nice hot shower and I felt instantly grateful that I have the luxury of a hot shower, a gym membership and the option to eat less.

Today I am challenging myself (and you!) to celebrate all that is positive in my life, the stuff that I'm doing right.

Instead of focusing on where I'm not, I'm focusing on where I am.

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Daily Objectives: grooming

I will be the first to admit that when it comes to primping, I only do it when I'm going out in public. If you came to my house right now you would find a sad sight: pajamas, unruly hair, un-showered, bra-less, chipped nail polish, and unshaven legs. I am a sad example of societies primed and preened woman.

I've never been one to make hair appointments, not because I don't value my hair, but I much prefer to cut it myself with the sharpest scissors I can find in my craft bin. I've had my nails done maybe five times in my life. I don't do tanning beds (well not since I was 16, and thought it was cool to have a tan all year 'round), and my feet are a whole other entry unto themselves.

I'll probably never be a every-six-weeks-hair-cut girl, thats just not my style. Or a pedi/mani power luncher, that isn't me either. But, I could really step it up around here and do some housekeeping with myself on a regular basis.

I know I'm making it seem like I am rarely a site to be seen, I do put on makeup before I go out because its a very long standing habit of mine and for the most part I can pull off a presentable look. What I'm talking about here is weekly and daily appointments with myself to look and feel better. The extra step to tell myself that I am worth the extra effort.

When I look my best, I do my best. I haven't quite figured out the correlation, but when its all done: hair? check. feet smooth and polished? check. exfoliated? check. decent hair style? check. smooth legs? check. eyebrows? check. I just want to do better things.

Josh once brought up the argument about men not noticing eye brows or feet or nails, but they do notice when women take care of themselves in the form of having a fit body. But, I can't help to notice that when I stop taking care of the small details that make me feel good, I stop taking care of my health as well.

It's now 4pm and I haven't showed, but I am really going to start making a real effort to get ready in the morning. And make a maintenance schedule with myself.

I'm curious to find out how you all feel about this subject, are there beautifying rituals that you do that are absolutely essential to your well being?

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Daily Objective: will this action help me achieve my goals?

Last night I had dinner with my future sister and mother in law. It was awesome! As we were chatting towards the end my MIL started talking about setting and achieving goals. Looking at her life you can defiantly credit her for achieving many of her goals.

She said something that is really sticking, and is similar to yesterdays post. She said that in order to reach your goals you have to ask yourself "will this help me to reach my goal?" when confronted with a decision that could take you off track.

This can be applied to any goal and I think it could be a really effective tool. For example, if the goal is weight loss we could ask ourselves before every meal "is this meal going to help me reach my weight loss goals?" Or if we spend several hours a day watching TV we could ask ourselves "will watching this much tv instead of working on my body help me to reach my goals?"

This could be a very powerful! My challenge for us all today is to pinpoint our goals and ask ourselves this question. Print the question out, put it in your pocket, put it on the refrigerator, tape it to the remote and see what happens.

I think this question could also be beneficial for drowning out the opinions of others. If we surround ourselves with people who do support our weight loss efforts we could simply ask ourselves "how will be around this person help me reach my goals?"

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Daily Objective: today i plant the seeds for tomorrow's weight loss

Time is relative. As I look back on my life I have been trying to achieve one weight loss goal or another by a certain date. I've done the calculations, to lose x amount of weight by x date I will have to lose x pounds a week by eating x amount of calories and doing x amount of exercises.

I will admit when I was a lot younger and a lot more naive, I would actually pack clothes that were too small. This meant a lot of extra luggage much to my parents dismay. I always made a pact with myself: I will be able to wear these by the end of the vacation. Of course, that never happened. Vacation weight loss?

The equation never added up, or at least it didn't for me. I've been looking at my goals in their entirety this whole time. Instead of taking my health goals day by day, I've been stretching my thoughts to where I want to be in one, two or sixth months. I've ignored the amount of daily dedication it takes to achieve a goal.

When this happens I begin opening up more days to start over. If I give myself four months to meet a goal, eventually the time passes and I start getting all crazy with my thoughts: I can start this next month, I can meet my goal in three months. Er, only two months left? 20 lbs in one month! I can do it!

Once I stumble on one day with eating too much, I consider the whole thing to be a bust and derail until I get another set of goals in action. Weight loss is a day by day effort. All we have is today and right now.

When I am planning to lose weight I never think of it as a single day added up overtime to achieve a goal. What if, I let go of a month from now, or six months from now?

When I follow a diet I often think "what can I do long term?" and quickly think that any weight loss solution could not be followed for any length of time. Leaving no room for goal achieving and solution. What if, I started looking at weight loss in a more consistent manner: for today I am eating healthy and exercising to be at a different weight. Today. And then once today is done, I can do it again tomorrow.

Today I will make action that will cause future weight loss.

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Daily Objective: emotional check-in

It's no secret that this time of year can be particularly stressful. Buying presents, staying within budget, visiting family members that you may or may not want to see, traveling, and the constant barrage of the years best finger foods and cookies.

Yesterday, I started my day with a cup of coffee before we headed out to finish Christmas shopping. We stopped at a pizza place, I ordered a salad to start and ate two pieces of goat cheese and basalmic vinegar pizza.

And then it happened, I started to get emotionally drained and grumpy. I was in my head the whole time worrying about one thing or another and going through my usual bought of emotional dependence.

By the time that I got home I was ready to eat. I made a hamburger and then proceeded to eat two tomato sandwiches, a grilled cheese and some turkey sausage. I wasn't hungry, I was stressed. And I just wanted to keep eating and feeling comfortable. So instead of thinking about it, or writing down what was troubling me. I ate.

This isn't a new thing. Life happens, but I need to find new ways to deal with my worries.

I wonder this: Are my insecurities a way of sabotage? Do I purposefully drag myself through the mud just to keep myself from succeeding and achieving my goals?

So today, my objective is to check in with my feelings. What is really bothering me? Journaling has always been a helpful tool for me, just to get things out of my head and onto paper. Keeping my hands busy and my mouth empty.

I will work on emotional independence. I will stop trying to please everyone and stop beating myself up over perceived judgment from those around me.

I will work on seeing these patterns and making note of them. When I see that I'm starting to break at the seams, I will take that energy and focus on bettering myself. I will listen to what my body wants, not what my emotional habits want.

PS: I've started responding to all comments in the comments area :)

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hey, guess what?

1. My scale weigh-in today. This is me trying to do a publicized weekly weigh-in. My last weigh-in I was at 283, not including my post Thanksgiving weight of 290 which I'm pretending never happened.
2. This is my crazy going to the gym picture.
3. I'm moving to wordpress! My new layout will launch January 1st.

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panic without a k

I've been meaning to blog more this week, but after we got home Monday evening from a holiday weekend at my parents I was just too tired. Especially after the baking (5 desserts!), traveling, and eating!

Tuesday morning I got on the scale and I panicked. I was stunned and shocked and wanted to cry.

And that is why I didn't write. Last week I was weighing in around 283. Which we all know is up from my summer losses and pre-virginia moving losses. I'm not the only one around here who is suffering from the lack of nyc walking on the scale, Josh has gained a little weight too.

The 290 I saw glaring back at me Tuesday morning was almost too much to handle. I felt hopeless and out of control. I kept thinking "only 10 more pounds until I'm in the 300 again!" And then I calmed down and went to the gym.

Eating less this week and some exercise has brought me back to 283 as of this evening (plus wearing lots of warm clothing) and I realized that I shouldn't put so much thought and remorse into the scale.

During my panic I almost started weight watchers again, desperate for a solution. I needed to feel in control again. I needed direction. Luckily with my holiday budget getting tighter, I just didn't have the extra money to spend. I realize now what I was doing, which is what I always do.

Here's what would have happened if I had had enough money to join:

Join weight watchers Wednesday, feel temporary relief from the possibility of losing weight, debate whether to start on a wednesday or wait until monday, eat a lot of food while waiting to start weight watchers, monday start counting points again, by friday I am frustrated with all of the food calculating, realize just wasted money to lose weight. (*I don't consider WW a waste of money, but I feel like this plan is a crutch for me and so many other people. How many times have I joined? At least four.)

This is my cycle that is keeping me fat. I've been noticing more and more these little patterns to try and gain control. I will do anything to feel like I'm headed in the right direction by planning to diet and exercise but when it comes to actually doing it, it always falls through. And so the cycle continues.

Stopping is hard because I have to realize that I'm doing all of these things out of comfort and familiarity. Learning to trust myself and my behaviors goes beyond saying that I am working on being intuitive with my diet and exercise. Its actually changing the behavior that is normally so blinding.

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