giving this a try

Okay, its 7am and I'm about to go to the gym...

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And she's off

I was pleasantly surprised to read the scale is back down to 273 this morning. Down three from the 276 weigh in from last week. Getting closer to the 268 that I was at before my hiatus.

Things are slowly getting back in order around here. The food is getting made at home and I even played basketball yesterday. Me, basketball? It was a lot of work, but I'm putting effort into doing things I normally wouldn't do because of my weight. It feels good to come home sweaty and tired from being outside for a little while.

We also took the cat for a walk around the block the other night. Well, we did the walking while he sat in a shopping cart propped up like a little prince. I'm pretty sure people think we are crazy.

Also, salmon has entered our household and I have to say I'm addicted. I've turned my nose to salmon in the past, mostly because I've had it in not very salmon-flattering forms. Such as salmon cakes, or freezer burned and dry. But no, when made fresh its tender and delicious. I want salmon now and its 8:41 am. Last night was salmon, egg-free noodles, and an arugula salad with pecans, apples and goat cheese. A dinner that called for the fancy plates.

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I just got done reading another great entry over at 101 Reasons I Hate Being Fat! In her latest entry she mentions how much she thinks about weight every day. Not just losing weight, but everything that goes through her mind on a daily basis that is weight related.

I can definitely relate to this and I think a lot of people with weight issues deal with it too. I'm always curious about the things thin people think about. Do they think about food a lot? Do they feel guilty about the food choices they make? Do they avoid certain foods?

I know it sounds silly, but the only answers that I usually get are from my boyfriend Josh who sometimes seems to think like a fat person, but acts like a thin person. We had a discussion once and he said something along the lines of "I don't get what the problem is? If you have a weight problem, you do what you can to lose it. You exercise and eat less. If thin people notice a 5lb. gain they take care of it. It is an issue of health and taking care of yourself. Food is only for nutrition." This wasn't a stab at me, this was me asking why he thinks some people are fat and some are thin.

He is someone who will eat an entire gallon of ice cream if it is around...or a box of crackers, snacks...whatever. But, the catch is, he avoids the foods they he is tempted to over eat. And the answers are simple as to why he does this: a) it makes him sick b) he will gain weight c) its not healthy d) these foods do not provide nutrients.

So why is it harder for some people (me) to get these simple solutions. Losing weight is hard because the act of being thin does not come natural to me. I really think this is why so many people gain weight back after they follow the solutions to lose weight. You know, less food+exercise= weight loss. So what happens when you reach the solution to the problem? Does your brain catch up?

Can we ever begin to think thin?

Being fat is mentally exhausting. I wonder, what will we worry about when the fat is gone? Will we miss all of the thoughts that involve being fat? The thoughts start as soon as I wake up and they are so silly and seemingly mundane...they go like this "i weigh 276" ..."my body is massive" and then i go into the kitchen and figure out what I want for breakfast which is an ordeal mentally as in "that choice isn't what someone trying to lose weight would make" , "how many calories are in that?"...and then I go in the shower pretty much ignore my mass and then I get dressed and think "I wish I could wear xyz, but that would be inappropriate for someone my size" and then it goes outside and I catch my reflection in windows as I walk to the train. I wonder who is staring at my fat, who is judging me and my thighs that take up more than a seat. I make it to work, deal with more food choices and other critical thoughts about myself and my weight.

So now I ask myself, what happens if I begin putting a stop to all of my internal fat talk. What if I begin thinking as a thin person? I'm not talking about the one in ten people that can seemingly eat whatever they want, because that fades with age and I've found that most of those human eating machines are usually working out anyway, so there aren't too many naturally blessed people that I've met.

What if I begin pinpointing the sabotaging "fat talk" and stopping it? What if I start thinking and acting like the healthy person that I want to be?

I challenge anyone who reads this: For one day, start challenging the internal dialog that you have with yourself. Cut it off and tell yourself to "stop." Tell yourself that you are healthy and act accordingly.

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Money and Priorities

I just thought of something really obvious that made me laugh today. I was trying to decide what I wanted for lunch today as I stood outside looking for a place that called my name. I saw a sign at the cheese steak place across the street that read "cheese steak, waffle fries, and soda for 6.99" and it was tempting. But, instead I went to Bergen Bagel with my co-worker and ordered a tossed salad with grilled chicken and paid 6.50 for it. In my head as I was paying I thought "oh, this is so expensive. Maybe I should make my own salads. la la la. 6.50 is a lot, i cant pay that every day. wow, salad. 6.50 lala" it went like that.

Now, let me mention that for the last few weeks in my healthy food hiatus I had no problem dropping close to 10$ at city sub regularly (one sandwich alone is 6.99), or $5 for a breakfast sandwich and then more money for whatever else may have crossed my path. Not to mention the grocery bill. So, I got to thinking about the mind games I've been playing with myself and how much money I actually spend on tempting foods, not to mention that it costs a lot more when I eat more. It was really amusing to have this sort of self-awareness about myself and being able to see the same traits in other people as well.

I've heard a few people say things like "but, its so expensive to buy healthy food" and really, what was I telling myself when I got that salad today? Its like I expected for it to be cheap since it was only fulfilling me nutritionally and not emotionally. I won't even begin to tell you how many things I've bought purely from emotions. It makes me wonder how many other people have the same thought processes and where it comes from.

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Disappointment in a box

About a year ago I was at Borders with a friend of mine and in the check out we saw boxes of Bertie Botts. The Harry Potter inspired jelly beans in really horrible flavors. We didn't think it would be that bad considering that they are for kids. We thought it would be gross, but mildly gross.

We got into the car and decided to try them before leaving, started with the least disgusting of the flavors like grass, mud and pepper. Then we tried the more fowl flavors like vomit, earwax and rotten egg. Needless to say we were dry heaving and spitting jelly beans out of the car window for what seemed like an hour. The rotten egg one was the worst taste I've ever experienced in my life. I still gag thinking about it.

Anyhow, we all know that I'm trying to get back into my healthy eating groove, right? The morning started with a protein shake and then for a mid-morning snake I decided to give the new Slim Fast protein bars a try. After the first bite I realized it was the rotten egg jelly bean experience all over again. How could they do this? How hard is to make a decent tasting bar? If Luna can do it, so can you Slim Fast. Okay, back to sensible eating for me. I'm starting to miss the days of counting points. Is that sad? Its not even 1:30 in the afternoon and I'm already changing my diet plans.

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Getting back to old habits

I'm here. It's hard getting back into old routines that I temporarily abandoned while away. Those habits include going to the gym, blogging, tracking my weight loss progress and recording food consumption. All of which I've yet to do.
It's a little lesson about consistency and how long I should go without exercising. I don't have the whole "oh I'm a failure" thing happening inside my head its more like "okay, get back on the wagon and keep going". Part of my doesn't feel that I jumped ship, I just sort of docked for a little while with every intention of sailing again.
I'm rededicating myself to losing weight.

***Thank you to everyone who left a comment on my last blog entry! I put everyone's name in a bowl and drew out a name. The name was *drum roll* A Fat Bride's Maid! yay. Send me an email at tokenfatgirl@gmail.com with your address so I can get your prizes sent out!***

The weight-loss rededication includes:
Daily blog entries: food logs, exercise logs, procress photos, usual entries etc.
Going to the gym *at least* four times a week
Counting calories and staying between 1,400-1,500 calories (for two months)
Eating Smarter foods
Weekly weigh-ins

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I finally made it back to Brooklyn and back to the blogging world. It’s been awhile, right?

The good news is, I have been wearing and buying size 22 skirts! The so-so news is that my first weigh in about a month shows that I’m at 276. I’ve been going back in forth between the high 260’s and low 270’s.

I’ve been eating a lot especially when I was at home, I am surprised and grateful that the scale is not higher. I give thanks to exercise for that. Before I left I was eating a lot, but still moving and whatever muscle I’ve gained seems to have helped in the excessive food consumption.

So, I’m ready to get back on track with weight loss and with regular blogging. I plan on catching up with my blog reading/commenting and doing some cleaning up around here.

I’ve got a new forum up (upper right hand column) that has had some recent activity and I’d like to find new inspiring blogs to add to my list.

Anyhow, I’m going to go back to counting weight watch points tomorrow (I need a refresher course!) and starting some new gym classes as well.

As a little welcome back to weight loss and blogging I thought it would be nice to have a comment contest! I have three brand new DVD’s up for grabs from Amazon for the lucky winner:

The Biggest Loser Vol. 1 and 2
Belly Dance Fitness-Cardio Slimming

All you have to do is leave a comment between now and Saturday until midnight and I will draw a name randomly.

Good luck!

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