11/03/2008

swing low

I haven't updated my challenge since Thursday! That is very bad of me. I keep track of my food in a little notebook, so I will translate that into my challenge data graphic and upload those before the end of the day. I will indeed.

So, I feel like, as always there is always something happening that is keeping me from focusing on my weight loss efforts. In the past two years since I've been blogging its always been something. Planning for stuff for my non-profit job, stressed about situation at said job, leaving job, stressed about current self-employment, moving, settling in, having visitors, holidays, this election, upcoming travel and then more impending holidays.

As I write this, I noticed that my makeup mirror was pointed downward. I gasp at what I saw. Something I don't see very often. My lump of back fat protruding out of my back like a boob. Back boobs. I know thats not very self loving of me, but seriously I have back boobs and its not cool. Among other things.

I don't feel like my eating has been horrible, but I have been just getting by lately, trying to stay within my calories. I feel like I'm struggling to keep up with everything. I know logically that these are all excuses and I need to put my health in the first priority position.

Sometimes I have an image in my head of my ideal self. A version that is very far from reality. I get serious about weight loss, stop skipping from diet plan to diet plan, I make exercise a priority and I actually get consistent about weight loss.

I get comments and emails from people telling me how inspiration this blog is or how motivating it is and I don't know where that comes from? Losing weight is a struggle for me every single day. I go over and over and analyze what I'm doing right and wrong all the time. Sometimes I worry that when people read this they are thinking about all of the things I'm doing wrong. I get caught up in the right way to lose weight and it never happens. I think weight loss has a lot of gray area, but I really know that I need to get more black and white with my thinking.

I've normalized obesity. I've normalized eating bad food all the time. I've normalized behaviors that are not conducive for a healthy lifestyle. I can't help but to tell myself: stop fucking around, this is serious. You don't want to keep living in the sidelines of life. You don't want to get diabetes, which you will if you don't change now. You don't want to keep feel the shame, and the distance you create around yourself because of your weight.

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9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, this hits so close to home for me. I've been reading your blog for awhile now and have never commented before (hello! I live in Virginia also!). You are an inspiration because your great attitude comes across in the words you write. I have been exactly where you are right now. I was there for many years. Somehow there was such a disconnect between knowing what I needed to do and getting the damn thing done. And honestly, I still feel that way sometimes even though I am fifty pounds lighter than I was a couple of years ago. If I have a bad day - make unhealthy choices or decide to skip the gym - I feel like it's just one step closer to putting my Lane Bryant pants on again. The problem with this thing is that it's always a struggle. I think that once you have food issues, you always have food issues and it requires constant vigilance to stay on top of it. Also, I think it takes lots of self-acceptance. I had to grow up and accept that I wasn't ever going to be perfect when it came to food - I would always be tempted to fall back into my unhealthy habits. But keep at it! The secret for me has been really getting into the exercise (I get some sort of exercise everyday) and almost always eating things I've cooked myself (less processed, less restaurants).

Keep on keepin' on!
-Adrienne

4:29 PM  
Blogger Tina said...

Amen sista. You put it so well. I start over again every Monday and put on about 5 lbs. a month doing that. That's become normal for me so I'm working on the same thing right now. We can do it!

5:08 PM  
Blogger April Elizabeth said...

it is a struggle for everyone every single day. But you do you keep at it and you are successful and upbeat. Those three things are very difficult when facing such a difficult struggle. You may not feel like you are inspiring, you may not even be proud of yourself but you should be. You are very inspiring. You should be very proud.

You do a wonderful job and you keep positive.

6:35 PM  
Blogger April Elizabeth said...

it is a struggle for everyone every single day. But you do you keep at it and you are successful and upbeat. Those three things are very difficult when facing such a difficult struggle. You may not feel like you are inspiring, you may not even be proud of yourself but you should be. You are very inspiring. You should be very proud.

You do a wonderful job and you keep positive.

6:35 PM  
Anonymous Mr. Meltdown said...

I think the first thing you have to realize is just like me you took action. Just look in the mirror and see how beautiful you are. Losing weight is just a lifestyle that we choose to live. The good thing is the choice will help us live longer as you already know. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Think of all the people you inspire along your journey and know you are on your way to your goal. That is something that you should be proud of and motivated to continue. I would like to say thank you for being you and showing us that losing weight is real as living life and what comes with it. Just smile and move on your doing great and I for one am proud of you.

Best regards,

Mr. Meltdown

4:09 AM  
Blogger Lyn said...

The reality is that this stuff is HARD. Losing weight is no walk in the park. And I think it inspires people when we don't give up, we keep on trying, keep on getting back up. So many bloggers just disappear and we ever know what happened. When you come and report your struggles, that is an inspiration.

You ARE going to make it. You have a wonderful attitude and I can tell you're not gonna give up :)

5:53 PM  
Anonymous Emma said...

This may sound like a weird way to put it, but try not to think too much about it. Eat healthily.. don't snack in the evenings and when you do snack during the day, make it a piece of fruit. Weight yourself once a week and see the difference.

Check out these 2 free e-books which i've read and they helped me out a lot too.

www.LightWeight-Loss.com

6:29 PM  
Blogger Chub said...

I struggle as well to make this "process" a normal way of life, which comes naturally. I'm not there yet.
I also wanted to comment because I litterally LOL at "back boobs"!
So sad yet so true.
I see them when I'm at work at night and see my reflexion in the window... *shudders*
Thanks for the laugh!

7:33 AM  
Anonymous Fitness dude said...

The main thing is that you have started on the road. It is a journey , not a destination. Keep up the good work, you are making a difference to a lot of peoples lives.

11:59 AM  

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