make it work

I haven’t been too active on the blog this week with posts or food updates. Josh has been out of town for a week now and its kind of weird being in the apartment without him. I was looking forward to this time alone to catch up with stuff and to just experience life here without another person, but I think being alone has made me feel lazy and lonely.

It sort of brought light to the fact that I am alone in this city without him. Sure, I have co-workers and all of that, but I don’t have friends or family here and I found myself wanting to have visitors, but had no one to visit. My eating this week was sporadically good and sporatically filled boredom and lonely eating that I try to stay away from. I was eating stuff that I didn’t even really like, and thought “why am I eating this crap?” but not really stopping either.

The past week made me realize that I have been relying too heavily on Josh. I don’t feel as though I am needy towards him, but I do feel like I have been relying too heavily on him for fulfillment in my own life. Since moving here, I haven’t really gotten into a groove of doing things that I love to do on my own. I’m a creative person, and I can count on one hand the number of things I’ve made since moving here.

In my mind, the life that consists of work, eating, tv and sleeping isn’t the one for me, but I haven’t really broken into the habit of creating and doing. This past week has opened my eyes to the reality of needing to create my own life that is satisfying and creative outside of my relationship. I feel that my lack of doing and creating has made me unhappy and for the most part grouchy. I often ask myself “whats going on? Why am I so angry?” and the answer is so obvious now…I’m not filling my life up in the ways that I know I really want to. I think the biggest challenge in life is creating balance.

Right now I’m trying to create the balance of being a girlfriend, an employee, someone who goes to the gym, eats well, doesn’t live in unorganized surroundings, stays in touch with family and friends that aren’t in ny, finding friends who are in ny, being creative, working on projects, learning new skills and ways to make a living that is satisfying. Oh, and finding time to sleep. Can it all be done?

One aspect of my character that I like lately is that instead of giving up on happiness or giving up on my health when it gets hard, I feel proud that I am thinking “okay, this isn’t working, let me try something else” and I keep trying until it works. I was telling my mom about my situation at the gym recently in relation to life. I really hated getting on the treadmill or stationary bike, and I thought something was wrong with me because other people liked it or didn’t seem to mind it. I kept thinking “it will click” I will like this sort of thing or I thought “if I care about my health, I will do this”, but it wasn’t about either of those things, it just wasn’t what worked for me and I couldn’t stick with it. And then I stepped out of my comfort zone and starting taking the cardio kick class. Now, I’m headed into my 5th week of class and I still love it and look forward to going.

The part that I love about this is that I didn’t give up on exercise just because I didn’t like other variations of it. I relate this to other parts of my life, whatever the goal is I have to make it work for me instead of looking at what works for someone else.

So, I guess the point of this entry is that I look forward to making my life. It isn't ever going to be perfect and I was a bit off schedule this week, but I have today and thats really all I ever need to keep going.

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


March, May and June- Weigh in and Comparison Photos

March 2007
May 2007
June 2007

Weigh-In June 24th 2007:

I'm in the 260's!

Me pretending to be a model (feel free to laugh at me):

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


Lorrie in new jacket

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


Peanut Butter Fruit Dip

I was having a craving for something sweet earlier this week (surprised, right?) and decided to make a peanut butter fruit dip with apples. I made this with 1/4 cup chunky peanut butter, 1/2 cup fat free plain yogurt, 1 tblsp. sugar and about a teaspoon of vanilla extract. This makes about 2 servings, or uh one serving for me.
It wasn't exactly low in points/calories, so a newer version is pending with less peanut butter and more whipping. You could use vanilla yogurt instead of plain yogurt with vanilla of course. I'm thinking about another version with cool whip, but I think the yogurt was surprising good and fruit dip-ish.

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


chicken tikka masala

Chicken Tikka Masala is one of those things that I had never heard of despite my love for Indian food, but now I am seeing the recipe everywhere the day after I make it. I've read about it in blogs and I even got an email this morning with a reduced fat version of it. Perhaps I can switch the cup of heavy cream for a cup of half and half next time?

One cup of heavy cream consists of 800 calories and 80 grams of fat, scary right? When divided into 4 portions the whole recipe (not including rice) equals out to 10 points, which is less scary. It was so good, and I felt proud of myself for making something that requires time and steps.

I found my recipe here: Chicken Tikka Masala

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


Summer Jacket

I've been on a seemingly endless hunt for summer jackets that I can wear to work. I really, really cannot wait until I feel good enough and look good enough to wear tank tops!
That aside, I found this jacket at Target for only $19.99 and I love it so much.

I rarely love any of the clothes that I wear, as plus size clothing can be a bit awkward in fit. I still can't believe that I actually found something that fits in all the ways I want it to.

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


Week two: working out

Thank you to those who have sent such nice (and supportive) comments lately to the new addition of cardio in my life. I have to say that the next few weeks are going to be the toughest for me. Any time I start something new, the first week or even day is the easiest. I have so much enthusiasm and excitement toward it and then I hit a point soon after where I either get bored, distracted or overwhelmed. So then I start, but never really finish anything. I know that in order for the exercise to work and count I have to be consistent and not just do it on the "perfect" or "good" days.

I’ve mention this before, but I think a lot of us are trapped into thinking that there is going to be something that comes along to make this process easier. I’ve seen so many infomercials that in the span of five minutes made me believe it was the “solution”. In my family I’ve seen my mom buy Richard Simmons tapes, Tae Bo DVD’s, an Ab Doer and enough diet books to start a diet library. The secret is…they all can work. We just have to get past the hard parts, work out on the stressful days, get past the first 15 minutes, and keep going back. My challenge for myself and anyone else trying to live a healthier life is to stop waiting for a better less stressful day, stop waiting for the exercise equipment to come, and stop waiting for the motivation to come. It will never get easier than it is today, it won’t be easier to move your body tomorrow, next week or next month and there is nothing that you can buy that will make it that way.

It was hard going Monday, as in, it was tempting to stay home because it wasn't such a good eating day, and it was kind of rainy and I was feeling stress from work, but I went anyway. It was hard to do it after strength training and even tough for the first 15 minutes, but then it clicked and was good and before I knew it the 55 minutes were over and I was happy that I did it again and my body was rejoicing.

I have to admit that my weight loss from last week happened because of the exercise. My eating was all over the place, in forms of daily sub sandwiches from city sub that haunts me down the street, one too many skinny cow ice cream sandwiches, and other food in various forms that I didn’t track. It felt excessive, not glutinous, and believe me there is a difference.

The challenge now is to find the balance between good eating and exercise. It seems when I was doing well with weight watchers, I wasn't doing well with exercise and now the opposite is happening. I don’t feel horrible about it, its just something to keep working towards. I don’t want to have unrealistic expectations for myself. I'm glad that exercise is taking the front seat. I've seen a lot of people get to their goal weight that ignored exercise and then gained it back soon after or have to scrutinize every bit of food they eat to maintain. Replacing fat with muscle allows more flexibility with food intake because it boosts the metabolism. I believe that building muscle while losing weight will not only help in losing weight, but maintaining weight loss once the weight is lost.

AddThis Social Bookmark Button



I got on the scale this morning for a pre-weigh in and was so excited to see 273.5 (down three from 276.5) which is my goal for the week. I'll do an official weigh-in tomorrow.
I feel like the kick boxing classes are putting me back on track in a huge way.

We went to our third kick boxing class last night and we were struggling to say the least. There are a few factors to this...one, we didn't have enough to eat before, two, we were tired and most importantly, three, there was a different instructor. She was all about steps and remembering them and then adding more for these sequences. I thought I was training to be a back up dancer for Britney Spears.

Josh was struggling, I was off-beat...it was a sight. She mentioned at the end of the class "today was easy, its usually harder", Josh told me she was being encouraging, I thought she was hinting at "don’t come back until your asses can keep up". I told her we had been taking classes with the other instructor and were able to keep up, she said that that class was just as hard and then I said "yes, but there aren't so many dance steps to remember". Seriously, what do they expect on your first time? I mean it was like 4 punches to the front, then jabs to the side then alternating knee lifts followed with a squat and then a side kick and then a punching bag. I'm just glad we didn't start in her class; we would have stopped long ago. So, now we are looking for a new third class to join.

I will also comment that the whole "taking a break from the scale" didn't really work for me. It made me less accountable, and from April until last week my weight stayed the same. I added strength training, but that was about it. I felt like I was giving myself permission to forget about my goals rather than working towards them while not weighing in.

I can really tell a difference this week with the three extra hours of cardio, in the way I feel and with burning the extra calories. Like I said in the last entry I've had a hard time this week with tracking my points online and fighting off my cravings. I don't think it got as bad as I used to eat, not even close, but I didn't count hardly anything. This week, I will post my food daily here to be more accountable starting today.

I feel really close to the 240's now, which has been a mini-goal of mine since I've started losing weight. It's hard to believe that when I first moved here this past September I weighed 310 (or more, but I wasn't weighing myself often). Right before I moved I lied on my drivers license and put 280 thinking "what’s 20...er, 30 lbs?", and now I weigh less then that. When I did Atkins about three years ago I went from 280 to 240 and went from a size 24 to a size 20.

Lately, I've been feeling a bit confused about my direction and what I should be doing here in New York. I also feel like I need to be doing more, or working towards more. It’s like this unrelenting need to do and fix everything about myself. But, I'm trying to remind myself that this is a time in my life to get healthy and I know that slowly doing that alone will help everything else fall into place as far as my personality, appearance and health.

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


Round Two, oh! and a brides maid

I went to my second kick boxing class last night. It was really good, and I feel proud of myself for going and giving it everything I can. The repetitions were more grueling this time, but I just kept going and it felt amazing. The instructor even said she was proud of me. The jumping jacks prove to be the hardest part for me, so I do a modified version of it by moving my feet and arms instead of jumping.

The other hard part is all of the mirrors, its tough to watch my large body amongst all of the thin ones around me. I am lumpy, swollen and red/blue faced. The reflection makes me disappointed, but inspires me to keep going. I found myself looking up or down instead of straight ahead to avoid my reflection.

My appetite is a little hard to control this week, I'm not sure if it is due to more exercise or my upcoming period. I’ve been eating the same sandwich at this place called City Sub near my job. I’m a tad bit obsessed with sandwiches, especially the ones at City Sub. I’ve been going there so much lately that the sandwich guy has it memorized. Is that sad or funny?

I will assume that my appetite is due to my period as I have been increasingly moody and irritable this week. Sometimes I can project a lot of unnecessary negativity and unhappiness. I don't feel unhappy, but mostly confused. Confused about my place in the world and my direction.

I'm dedicating the day to figuring out my goals and direction and how to get there.

Also, my sister has informed me that I will be her brides maid in her October wedding. I'm so excited for her, and excited to be apart of her wedding. I’m so looking forward to it! Seeing my sister get dressed up and getting dressed up myself. Seeing my close friends and family and being there with Josh. Oh, and having a brother-in-law which I am being really geeky and cheesy about!

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


Cardio Kick

So, I went! To last nights Cardio kick class at the new york sports club. It was 55 minutes of punching, kicking and sweating. I really loved it and I'm so glad that I went. I was hesitant really, what if I couldn't keep up, what if I lost my balance and fell over? what if the instructor harassed me?

I thought I did really well for my first time. I was keeping up and trying. I really felt good and happy after doing it. I've found cardio that I look forward to doing!
Its also awesome that I burned about 600+ calories. It also gave me a chance to punch Josh with boxing gloves :)

Oh yeah, will try to update my food today that I've been tracking on weight watchers, and my weigh in for Sunday was 276 which is pretty much the range I've been in since April. My goal for my next weigh in is 273.

My exercise schedule looks like this:
Monday, Wednesday, Friday- Cardio Kick Class
and then two days a week of strength training

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


I meant to write about this before, but I will respond to comments in the actual post.

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


holding on

Have you ever had that feeling physically and mentally when this excitement starts bubbling up, it feels like a deep rooted urgency to do and be the very thing you have discovered. The feeling you get, when you finally get something.

I think writing, thinking, reading and learning has fed this new understanding of not only how to lose weight, but why. On the very surface, I’ve felt that I should lose weight to look better, feel better, and to be healthier. A little beyond that I have felt that I wanted to lose weight to feel accepted, to not use my weight as an excuse (why don’t they like me? It must be my fat!), to wear the clothes that I want to. And on the surface I got that.

About a month ago I discovered a young mans blog on CNN. His name is Miles Levin (google him for his blog, you have to register with Care Pages to read). Every week I get an email from his site telling me that he or someone in his family has updated. The unique thing about his blog--is that he is an 18 year old cancer patient. Despite his struggles with cancer he (and his mother) write some of the most insightful true-to-life words that I have ever read. He writes about the hells of chemotherapy, graduation, experiences and his perception of life. He holds on life -the moments he shares with friends and family, and its so hard to read about someone who desperately wants to live…to make it to the next season- fall…to go to college, get married, have kids, get old, smell flowers, run, to be alive. He wants to live. The urgency of his words and the knowing and accepting of his ultimate death makes me ache for him. I want to bottle life up for him, the kisses, the wind, the ocean, the negative, the sweet, the books and movies…everything and ship it away to him when he passes.

The thing is, Miles knows he is going to die, he doesn’t know when and he has accepted that. He is soaking up as much of life as he can.

But, don’t we all know this? Don’t we all know that one day we will die? Most of us, lucky enough to have health and life cannot live life like its our last day, because well…we would quit our jobs, cash in the savings and do many fun things without regard to the future. But, is it possible to be alive and appreciate life with hopeful regard to the future?

My point is, is that for whatever reason, like seemingly a lot of people I’ve succumbed to living a half life. I have very sweet moments, but there are so many times that I go through the motions, get caught up in the negative, fight the wrong battles and take advantage of my body and health as if it were here forever. There are things that I want in life and somehow disconnect dreams with reality. Living a so-so life just isn’t acceptable to me anymore. When I die, no one will thank me for not living my life. I don’t mean to be so cliché. Part of me fears being the best I can, what will people think? Do I deserve the best? What is the best? I know deep down that I have been punishing my life with food and self-pity for reasons that ultimately are not that important.

I have a new understanding that I don’t have enough time to be mediocre. I don’t have enough energy to cater to the insecurities of other people. I don’t have enough time to sabotage my health. I don’t have enough time to not live my life. I don’t have time to take for granted my friends and family. I don’t have time to not be the person I dream to be.

I know now that the reason why I want to lose weight (among other things) has nothing to do with blending in, its about caring and valuing my life and health now. I don’t care much for blending in anyway.

I thank Miles deeply for sharing his words with the world.

"I conclude from this successful transformation in outlook that, to a large extent, a person can make the conscious decision to change their attitude--much more so than I previously thought. It's not effortless; it definitely takes a certain enduring conviction. And in all fairness, by genetic predisposition, some will find simply deciding to be happy easier and some will find it harder, depending on their neurochemical makeup.

But I want to tell you that it's possible."-Miles Levin

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


Girl's got strong legs

Strength training has been going well lately and I have to admit that seeing my strength increase every week is very exciting. We record our weight lifting each week and make notations like "stay the same" or "increase 5,10 or 15 next time". Its really good to see a notation two weeks ago as "stay the same" because it was really challenging and then two weeks later being able to do 10-15 lbs more very easily.

I would also like to note that I have a pair of strong legs and found myself wondering out loud "hmm, I wonder how this happened?" and at the same time answering "oh! because my legs have been carrying around so much weight", its no mistake that I can leg press 380 lbs. right?

Cardio hasn't been happening as much as I'd like- I don't care for the machine beasts at the gym. Josh reminds me that exercise isn't for entertainment, but I don't know if I agree. I think exercise can and should be fun, or else somewhat enjoyable or its hard to stick with. When I'm on the machines even with my own personal TV I can't get into it. I just sit and stare at the clock thinking "ugh 20 more minutes!?" "damnit, I'm only half way done" or finding myself playing mental games like "must... not... look... at clock for... 6 commercials".

I loved playing raquet ball with my friends in college, and wish I could find some place here to play it or some other sport. Being outside, playing and being active is much more appealing to me. There are some cardio-kick and dance classes at our gym that I think would be cool to check out very soon, so I will post how that goes.

I'm a bit nervous about the idea of group exercise, but how bad can it be?

I'm still tracking my food on Weight Watchers Online, and will post this weeks food on Sunday. I had pizza last night which was totally unnecessary and left me with an upset stomach this morning, when will I learn?

AddThis Social Bookmark Button