Grocery List

This is my first set of groceries for the new year. I am actually waiting for it to arrive as I type this. I order from Fresh Direct on the internet and its pretty amazing. okay...they just arrived! And here is what I ordered:

2/2 FreshDirect Parbaked Whole-Wheat Baguette 18" - (18oz) ($2.49/ea) $4.98
2/2 Just Bagels Everything, Frozen - (6pk) ($2.00/ea) $4.00 S

1/1 Alderfer's Grade A Large Organic Eggs - (1/2 dozen) ($1.59/ea) $1.59
2/2 Farmland Antibiotic-Free Fat Free Milk - (1/2 gallon) ($1.65/ea) $3.30 S
1/1 FreshDirect Roasted Garlic Caesar Dressing - (16oz) ($5.49/ea) $5.49

1.0/1.05 lb FreshDirect Fresh Roasted Turkey - (Thin) 1.05 lb ($9.99/lb) $10.49
1.0/1.02 lb Provolone Cheese, Sliced - (Thin Slices) 1.02 lb ($5.49/lb) $5.60

2/2 Birds Eye Broccoli Spears - (10oz box) ($1.49/ea) $2.98
2/2 Weight Watchers Smart Ones Santa Fe Style Rice & Beans - (10oz) ($2.60/ea) $5.20 S

1/1 Bentzy's Roasted Almonds - (each, Unsalted, 0.5lb bag) ($3.79/ea) $3.79
1/1 Red Jacket Orchards Granny Smith Apples, 4 pack - (4pk) ($2.99/ea) $2.99
4/4 Yellow Bananas - (Farm Fresh, Half Yellow) 1.51 lb ($0.59/lb) $0.89

1/1 Hellmann's Light Mayonnaise - (15oz) ($2.59/ea) $2.59
1/1 Kashi TLC Peanut Peanut Butter Chewy Granola Bars - (6pk) ($3.99/ea) $3.99
1/1 Kellogg's All-Bran Brown Sugar Cinnamon Bars - (7.41oz.) ($3.69/ea) $3.69

1/1 Boneless Chicken Breasts, Bulk Pack - (10lb pack) 10.03 lb ($1.79/lb) $17.95

Vegetables & Herbs
2/2 Beefsteak Tomato - (Farm Fresh, Lg) 1.24 lb ($1.99/lb) $2.47
1/1 Bicolor Corn - (4 pack, Farm Fresh, husked 4 pack) ($3.99/ea) $3.99
2/2 Green Bell Pepper - (Farm Fresh, Lg) 1.64 lb ($1.29/lb) $2.12
1/1 Green Cucumber - (Farm Fresh, Med) ($0.89/ea) $0.89
1/1 Green Cucumber - (Farm Fresh, Med) ($0.89/ea) $0.89
3/3 Green Zucchini - (Farm Fresh, Med) 0.99 lb ($1.59/lb) $1.57
1/1 Hass Avocado - (Farm Fresh, Med) ($1.99/ea) $1.99
1/1 Romaine Lettuce - (Farm Fresh) ($2.99/ea) $2.99
1/1 Spanish Onion - (Farm Fresh)

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weighing in, in the new year

oh yes! I love play on words heh...
so, its the last day of 2006... wow uhm really? yes, time goes by so fast when you are older. I remember when I was a kid and thinking "uoughgkjhakjhf AN HOUR?!, I have to wait AN HOUR?@ jkahdjkhasd" yeah, now its like, "oh my god, I only have an hour?". so time is weird and relative...right?
Weigh in today is dun dun dun...the same as last week! hoorah (I think) because I didn’t gain anything during my post sickness holiday indulgence. Not-so-hoorah because I didn't lose.
So, it’s new years eve and I'm planning on spending the evening with my boyfriend and his band mates at this nice bar in Brooklyn. Plus, free alcohol.
I'm not into drinking as much as I used to be back in the early days of college. I used to be able to drink what seemed like gallons on vodka without so much as passing out and living to laugh about it the next day...while in line at the dorm cafeteria. Those post-binge drinking breakfasts were coveted regardless of how greasy it was on queasy stomachs.

Its time for those annual new years resolutions. Some people like them and other people scoff at them. Im a lover of new years resolutions, if only to take time to reflect on the previous year and goals toward the next year. I have some good quotes wondering around in my head right now that really reflect where I believe I am headed...the first one is "when you die, no one will thank you for not living your life and following your dreams" the other is "the time is going to go by whether or not you decide to change and do something in that time". Those aren’t exact, but they really reflect something that is bubbling inside of me lately.
Its a defiant kick in the pants the day you realize you have control over your life and your direction...and that those "one days" are today. The reality is setting in that what I am doing today takes me into what I will become. A lot of people never realize this and get stuck in the "one day I will be, do, become" and I honestly believe that we all at some point think we will become something by doing nothing, because that’s what happened in school. We were all put in these situations to learn, grow, meet new people and then one day it’s not required and the learning and growing becomes something we choose to do or not do.
I went to acting class yesterday, and I wont lie, yesterday morning I thought "I wont go, I cant go...I'll call in sick" ...I was scared and lazy. The idea of change and doing something different was stinging. The bed was calling my name to linger my fears and the risk of something new was doing their best to keep me from going. I told it to shut up, got in the shower and headed to acting class. The commute is pretty insane for those of us that hate walking up millions of steps...I believe around 500 to and from is memory serves me correctly. I felt good for going and our teacher praised us for showing up and taking the risk to do something good. I couldn’t be more happy about that decision.

I look at the past year and I look at someone who decided not to settle. I've made plenty of mistakes and plenty of hard and even bad decisions, but I really grew and filled in these little holes in my heart. I find that when things aren't working in my life that I want to be in denial about it wreaks havoc on other parts of my life.
Bad jobs, bad relationships and situations where we are no longer growing can take a toll on our health and life. Sometimes I wonder what this obsession with food stems from and I feel that the more alive I become and more life I start living the less I depend on food and unhealthy habits to fulfill me.
So currently, I am in a relationship with someone who supports me in every possible way, he cares for me and loves me, but we have independence outside of each other. He continues to say things that always amaze me and he makes me feel beautiful and special even when I feel far from both.

I'm out of school which could either be seen as "taking a break" or preparing for a future return. It was hard for me to decide to stop going and it was something I thought about since I started going. I'm so glad that I went, but I'm also glad I got out before I was in even more student loan debt and buried in bad grades. I kept thinking "it shouldn’t be like this", and it shouldn’t be. If I'm investing myself into something that is taking time in my life and money and energy , I should be there 100% and getting the most of it, not waiting for it end. I was worried about what other people would think would they call me a failure, someone who gives up easily and didn’t try, would I never be able to find a job...what will happen?
I took that risk and I found out. I found out that I have control over my education, my direction, my income and my ability to not use school as a crutch for not fulfilling my dreams. I want to go back and I really look forward to going back when I'm ready.

Back to New Years resolutions, this year I want them to be a little different. Instead of “lose weight, exercise, be nice”…I want to change what is causing me not to do those things the year before. I want to start with my self-esteem which will be the main focus for 2007 for me. Learning to become who I am and accepting that person- showing myself to people, new friends and old. To stop apologizing for who I am or want to be and relying on people on situations (food) to make me feel good. So the number one goal of 2007 is to build my self esteem, to avoid “toxic” people and to use exercise and better eating habits to cater to this goal. I also have a couple of self esteem work books and will update in this blog about my journey to better self-esteem. I sound like such a corn ball right now, huh? So anyway, exercise is apart of the goal and just overall awareness. When I feel like I’m starting to push things in the back and avoiding tough situations, I want to face them head on. I don’t want to be someone that cannot talk about theirs life and suppress my feelings for fear of what someone might think. For the most part, I’m an open book, but I see people around me who are good at faking the “problem free” life and I can see the damage it does.

And then there are the other resolutions that I always have (heh) … take vitamins, wash my face before bed, lose a million pounds, brush my teeth more often, avoid dessert, whiter teeth, be nicer to people and stay away from them during PMS (haha), try new things, take more classes, journal, learn, grow, smile, sing, dance….be happy. Heres to 2007, I’m excited, are you?

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I met my 2lb. goal for the week, I weighed in at 290.5 this morning. Most of it due to the sickness I'm sure. Food is still something I'm not eating much of or have much of a desire to eat. I ate a little lasagna this morning about 1/2 a slice and realized it was covered in fennel seeds. ugh, fennel seeds.
Our house is swimming in sausage balls, little hot dog weiner things with BBQ sauce, cookies, fudge, crackers, cheeseball...you name it. Bleh, food. Never thought I'd say that.

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dance your pants off with richard simmons

I was worried about the seat belt situation for so long and it turned out that I didn't need to be. It fit...I fit, and it wasn’t the big deal I was making it out to be. I even asked the flight attendant for an extender and I didn't even need it. Oh well.
I'm in West Virginia now, and I did Richard Simmons dance your pants off with my friend jasmine and it was great! (rockin' it vhs style!) Unfortunately, I came down with a nasty stomach virus around 2am Friday morning and spent most of the day in the bathroom. I’m still feeling a bit out of sorts today, but am slowly able to eat again. Needless to say, I’ve eaten about 1000 calories in the last two days, most of those from orange juice and gatorade. This should bring an interesting weigh-in tomorrow. This is defiantly not a fun way to lose a little weight.
I’m feeling a bit home sick for Brooklyn and my life in New York. I miss Simon and Josh and feel a bit lonely here. Sometimes I worry that I can never be happy. I get very frustrated with my dad here and his negativity that I worry I am just like the things I cannot stand about him. I feel like I have pushed so many people away with my personality and when Im in NY I find things to complain about and when I’m here I find them too...I sometimes feel lonely as though I’m not a good fit anywhere. I get so stressed out about figuring out who I am that I get depressed about it. I wish I didn’t worry so much about everything...I just find myself longing for somewhere to belong.
So, good night for now...weigh-in tomorrow and now I'm off to watch Roseann on Nick at Nite.

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its getting hot in here

Soooo...Its 6:30 am and I'm up packing for my trip to WV today. I'm such a procrastinator. seriously, I got home last night and watched the office and ate pizza with josh and calculated how much sleep I would get if I went to bed at 10 and got up at 5 am versus staying up and then getting up later. I chose going to bed at 10am. Here I am with my laundry whirling in the basement, trying to figure out what jewelry and shoes to pack. Good lord, its hard to pack for 8 days, I want to bring everything! Sigh.
My stomach is very upset this morning with the arrival of the period. bleh. I need to take some advil and eat some shredded wheat. My eating has been o-kay this week, to say the least. I had cheese pizza last night. Ever add garlic and basil to pizza? so good!
I feel like while I dont want to be on a diet, its a bit hard for me to rely on my brain to pick the best foods when faced with bad foods. I think for awhile it will be best to calculate calories. Spark people says i need about 1800-2000 a day to lose weight. Thats a good amount, but I also weight a lot.
I'm bringing work out clothes and shoes for when I'm in WV. I'd like to challenge myself to exercise at least 30 minutes a day.
So anyway, I have a bit of anxiety about the plane ride, or it could just be the upset stomach. I sent a letter to continental about my concern with fastening the seatbelt. Here is what I got back:
Dear Ms. Burger:

Thank you for contacting Continental Airlines.

I share you situation. I have requested a seat belt extension for you in your reservation. You will have to mention it to the flight attendant when boarding. They are always good about letting you use one. I have to use one too.

If you travel often, there is a website where you can purchase your own if you are embarrassed about asking to borrow one.



Teresa Marsh
Continental Airlines

Please visit our website at www.continental.com or contact us at 1-800-525-0280, if you require further information.

So thats, that. Wish me luck, I'm off to WV.
PS: the title...the heat in our apartment makes it like 90 degrees in here

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the best sandwich ever

Last night after I posted I ate 4 of those party bread slices of pumperknicle bread with a wedge of cheese spread. Our pantry is growing bare and I feel it would be a waste to shop for groceries until I am back in Brooklyn on the 28th. I'm gettin anxious about going away for so long, I want to try to relax and enjoy myself as much as possible. I just can't help, but feel that I should be here in NY with Josh and working. I really want to see my family and friends and I'm looking forward to that. I wish I could transplant everyone here sometimes. The holidays in my house are truly about food and parties and family. I am going to enjoy the food just not in mass quantities. I'm not a fan of "dieting" and I'm feeling really good about my decision to lose weight without a diet and being mindful of what I eat.
This blog really helps me to write out what I feel or what is going on and to have a place to vent worries and concerns along with celebrations.My goal for this week is to exercise and to lose 2 lbs.
This morning I had the best sandwich ever. I love sandwiches. I had two fried eggs, fried in olive oil spray on ciabata bread with olivio and a slice of mozzarella cheese.
I meet with my acting coach tonight after work. I'm a bit nervous about that. Not so much the actual meeting, but the commute getting there. I know the area pretty well, but it still makes me a bit nervous for some reason.

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Dress me up

Apart of the "loving thy self" for me is dressing as nicely as I can. I don't believe in waiting to lose weight or waiting until I have money to buy my ideal wardrobe to help me lose weight. I do what I can with what I have. I have bought more clothes lately since I have a new job and had to, but really I believe in putting new spins on clothes I already have. Sometimes outfits come out right and others wrong. I believe in the "looking good while going down" philosophy. The better I feel about me, the more I want to take care of myself. Don't get me wrong, I still have a couple pairs of "when I'm down to...I can wear these" pants tucked away :)
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This outfit consists of:
Old navy tank top: size xxl
old navy pink sweater hoodie: size xxl
old navy white skirt: size 26 (too big, woo! so I tucked into spandex shorts underneath)
plaid skirt handmade by melissa from her used to be business april food handmade (love this skirt!) its a one size fits all skirt-that happens to fit more than skinny people
old navy flats: size 9
sorry about the blurry picture

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Weekly Weigh-In, Food and Exercise Logs

I decided that I need to keep track of my weight progress instead of weighing daily or when I feel like it. For the first time in my life I'm not in a rush to lose weight. I don't have someone to impress, or an upcoming event. It's about my health and how I feel about myself. My goal is to lose 2 lbs a week, no more, no less. I will keep a better food log which can be found on the left hand corner of the blog titled "Food Log" instead of having to go through all of these entries to see what I've been eating. This will not be updated daily, I will keep a personal log and update on my weigh in date along with an exercise log, which can be found on the side as well. This will start next sunday, and I will post again when all of those new features go up. I think it would be unrealistic to log everyday online, but if I have time I will do so and will probably write about food in my regular posts.
I signed up with spark people and according to them if I lose 2 lbs a week until May 2008 I could be down to 135. How inspiring is that?

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What do you have to drink?

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It never occured to me to mention the importance of water. I know that a lot of people when starting a new way of living make drinking more water a goal. Luckily, this is something that is already a habit of mine. As soon as I get to work I'm running to the water cooler while my co-workers are running to the coffee pot. When my mom comes to visit she asks me "what do you have to drink?" the answer is always water and milk. Sometimes juice. I can't say it's always been this way, but its a lot cheaper to order water in a restaurant and its not uncommon for me to grab water throughout the day. Thirst and overeating go hand in hand with me. I've never heard other people talk about this before, but I cannot go through a meal without a drink. Its very uncomfortable to me. I remeber times (several times...er, a lot of the time) when I would eat something only to be drinking something with it. For example, if I eat something sweet I have milk or something else and I will keep eating until the milk is gone. The same with chips or other snack foods. Eating and drinking has always been pleasurable for me. This probably sounds odd, and its hard for me to explain it. But, often times when I have an urge to eat its actually my body telling me it needs water.
When you go from soda to water it really is hard to go back. I drink soda very rarely, and sometimes I like it, but for the most part thinking about what it is grosses me out a bit. Knowing that I'm drinking sugar-water or a flavored syrup drink seems pretty gross. Diet cokes are not any better. The chemicals are toxic and studies have shown that the artificial sweetners can make you want to eat more. It's always ammusing to me to see people order a very unhealthy meal with a diet drink. Maybe some people like the taste, but I really think its a taste you have to get used to. I have done this many times, thinking that I was saving myself calories or doing something "healthy" by going diet. It's sad how advertising can condition us in misleading ways.

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Yesterday, today, and full body

Yesterday's food was another everything bagel the same as on friday w/ orange juice and then later on that evening I had steamed vegetables with white rice a little garlic sauce and some shanghai noodles w/ meat.

Today I had a bowl of quaker oatmeal cereal, not the hot kind. I forget what its called, but it looks like shredded wheat. With 1% milk (Josh got this on accident) and then for dinner I had a Gyro (pita, beef, lettuce, tomatoe, onion, yogurt sauce) a salas with feta and about half of the fries given to me (note to self: skip fries, or this meal in the future...i was in the bathroom for 10 minutes when we got home [not that you cared to know that]) We also walked 20 blocks and 2 long blocks to the UPS store down the road.

I had Josh take some photos of me. I didn't cringe too bad, but its pretty obvious where all my weight likes to hang out. The really bad photos are when someone catches me sitting down and its a side angle! oo lord. Anyway...Here I am at 292.5 lbs...
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and here
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Spark People

I highly recommend trying out www.sparkpeople.com. Its a free website (and one of the best I've seen) that is customized to help people lose weight. You put in your weight and activity and it will help you determine how many calories you need to lose 2 lbs a week. There is also a date you can set for your goal weight. You can set mini goals that can be helpful in your lifestyle. I will be using it as a resource guide, but most of my record keeping will be here. Please go to the site, its well worth it and free!

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I need more pictures in this blog!

I will start working on making this blog more visually appealing!

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Most of my food entries will be past tense so here is a little bit about yesterday.
This is what I wrote in an email to myself after breakfast yesterday morning:
“I stopped in at Steve's Bagel on my way to work to get an everything bagel (sesame seeds, garlic, poppy seeds etc) toasted with a little butter + an orange juice. I swear I could eat 3 of those bagels at a time every day for every meal. Maybe I'd get tired of it, but I'd be willing to try. Seriously though, in the future I would like to make these bagels at home (ordered from fresh direct) and put olivio on it which would be a lot better and not have mysterious calories. This bagel is too good really. But, I dare myself not to go insane over eating it. As in wanting more or feeling bad for eating it. The orange juice has 220 calories and I got it for taking my vitamins. Again, I do not need 220 calories worth of orange juice to take vitamins.

I'm currently taking B5 vitamins for my complexion and for energy and I also take a multivitamin. It helps to write and think after I eat especially if I stop eating and am left with wanting more. Because the truth is, I am full and I don't need to eat more. Writing like this after a meal forever is unrealistic, but it helps me keep in touch with how I feel after I eat. I'm going to look for a digital recorder in the future so that I can record thoughts throughout the day and possibly upload them to my blog.”

A little later I went to have lunch I was slightly hungry, but I could have waited. Anyhow, I walked over the to grocery store near my work and picked up one of the Nestea (I think) Calorie Burner drinks? The green tea one, that is berry flavored. I’m not sure why I bought this, because it was expensive and I don’t like nor advocate diet drinks. It also has aspartame and 5 calories in it, but not the weird after taste. I’m not a big fan of “diet” foods or drinks, not only because they taste bad, but because they are usually filled with something weird and unnatural and I think they are mostly snacks that make me crave more food or sweets. And as far as snacks I picked up the half naked brand of popped popcorn that has a touch of olive oil in it. I read the package and it had 4 grams of fiber, 3 grams of protein, 3 grams of fat, no saturated or Tran’s fats or cholesterol and only 120 calories per 4 cups. I bought it and enjoyed it, not something I’d keep around a lot, but nice. I shared with my co-worker and thought it was funny when she jokingly said “this popcorn is white!” meaning it wasn’t drowning in butter. So anyway, I also went to the Chinese place where I ate over half of a garlic chicken and white rice meal. Two things I learned from this 1) portions are crazy at this place and I should only eat half or even less than that 2) I found the diet menu, and will be ordering from that from now on…everything is steamed and all sauces are on the side.
Dinner wasn’t dinner at all. I didn’t get hungry again until late and I just grabbed a little popcorn and ate a couple pieces of oatmeal cereal.

No exercise, besides my commute to work. I need to clean up the living room for dvd exercise, and work on a plan. I will exercise today though. I am also going to a party tonight where I’m sure food/drinking will be involved, this will be a nice test for me and my gremlin.

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plus size fashion

I love clothes and makeup and all things girly. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t wear makeup and I try to dress the best that I can. Sometimes I think people have a stigma about spending time on trying to look as nicely as possible. Wearing makeup and having on a nice outfit gets me through the day and allows me to have enough confidence to walk with my head high and look people in the eye despite my weight.
I have a lot of ideas on what clothes flatter a larger frame along with clothes that take away from a curvy body. Of course, I’ve made a lot of mistakes and still continue to, but I’d rather make mistakes then not try at all. Buying affordable, good-looking clothes for big girls is hard to find. I’m still developing my own personal style, and get conflicted on what I truly like and what I think is in fashion.
I do a lot of my shopping online and a lot of returning as well. I like to try out new things and use accessories to enhance an outfit. Sometimes I buy in the maternity section to get more fashionable choices and good fits. My body is shaped like a figure eight according to www.igigi.com .

My favorite pants right now:
Old Navy Dark Bark Corduroy pants
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I got these in a size 24 and I love them! I am becoming pickier about pants and find a lot of them from old navy are not made well or have good quality. These are an exception. I am 5’4 and they are a good length on me, the color is nice, they do not wrinkle and the shape stays the same after a day of wearing. They are also very soft and have a little stretch in the right places. I have them on right now.

Old Navy Wool-Blend Herringbone Trousers
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I got these in a size 26, but they are very loose and too long. I still love them and the satin lining on the inside of them. They don’t have a lot of stretch to them, but they keep their shape. I don’t like when at the end of a work day my pants are wrinkly and look two sizes too big. They are really nice pants for work and can be dressed up.

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Acting Classes

I have been thinking lately about addressing some of my comfort zones and fears I have that surround my weight. I know that my weight issues and social issues go hand in hand. When I was in WV I would be afraid to be seen taking an exercise walk. It was a strange fear of being seen and worrying what people would think if they saw me walking. I have unrealistic assumptions about what people think about me and can become somewhat outraged if I feel like someone is staring at me. These are things that I keep inside (or try to) for the most part. Living in NYC reveals a new set of fears and feelings of uncomfort. I commute to work in the trains with millions of other people. I feel sometimes in a selfish paranoia that all eyes are on me, regardless of the reality. There are few overweight people in NYC, especially in Manhattan. When I worked in WV most of the people I worked with had weight problems, no I'm usually the only one. I defiantly stick out and it’s not uncommon to find me sweaty on the train or walking down the street.
Anyway, I've had this unrelenting desire to be apart of something that will help me grow and feel apart of something. So I’ve decided to challenge myself by taking some acting classes. I’ve sent a couple of emails out about some intro classes for adults. So, I’m looking forward to trying this and will update when I start.

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I'm actually writing this on 12-15-06 so it will be in past tense :)
Yesterday started out well until I got to work where some sort of evil came over my body and had to go home. Yesterday I drank a glass of orange juice and an enormous gyro sandwich from the Turkish place around the corner (thanks josh)! No exercise for my queasy stomach.

Have a mentioned that the January issue of Oprah is one of the best? Yes? oh okay, well it is! I actually haven't picked it up since last January which was a good one too. Anyway there was a well written article about a lady on the journey to figure out why she could not or did not seem to want to exercise no matter how much she knew she should. I can tell she is average weight, but I think a lot of people suffer from the inability to break habits long term which explains why all diets mostly fail. I have suspected for some time that breaking a bad habit is more than being a strong person with loads of self-control. Our well intended brain has functions that help us stay motivated, but also can be triggered to stay in a comfortable routine. Change requires thought and sometimes negative reactions in our bodies, whereas staying in the same habit doesn't require a lot of brain power (im using scientific words eh?). I will re-read the article and give better examples. But, basically its how in a lot of people our brains keep us in bad habits to the point where if we do not continue doing them we can almost feel depressed and in order to break habits or start new ones we have to make the new habits a better experience and give our self rewards. The lady that did not like to exercise remembered that she loved to roller skate as a kid and so she started doing that again and loved it her first time. Her brain was giving out feel-good energy and then stopped by the next day. She realized that in order to make this a habit she would have to push through the negative feelings towards exercise and keep doing it for 3-4 weeks before her brain reacted to it as a habit. So while things may be uncomfortable at first, it doesn’t take long for it to become a positive experience for you. I'm being so vague, and highly recommend reading the article.

So, enough of that for now. I'm going to try and fight my "food demons' one day at a time and keep a little notebook with me to record thoughts, feelings and my food intake. My food motto is this: eat what I like to eat within reason, make the best choices possible for the situation I am in, and eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full.
There are things and places (even people) that can be triggers for old habits. It's Christmas time and I'm about to travel home, both with be huge moderation tests for me. When I'm around food that I love this little gremlin inside of me seems to jump and throw a party until it eats. This gremlin is my conditioned brain.

Another thing that Oprah said that I love is "I dont love food. I loved how food made me feel, it numbed negative feelings"

not an exact quote, but close. How true is this? A bad day or stress can trigger the need for excessive food to bring happiness. How can we (I) find happiness and reduce stress without food? (answer in next entry)

Oh and on the scale today: 294.5

Currently nervous about : Flying home. Flying is not a pleasant experience for fat people. More on this soon!

Some future ideas I have for the blog:

exercise sessions with me

in the kitchen: a video of me cooking a healthy meal

recipes: learning how to eat and turning favorite foods into healthier meals

snacks: why america is obsessed with snacking

Other bad habits and learning how to break them

exercise for when you think you cannot do it

rewards for making new habits

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"Time is a created thing. To say 'I don't have time' is to say 'I don't want to.' "-Lao Tzu

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Bob Greene Quote

I really loved these by Bob Greene, his new book is out now called The Best Life Diet

"Most programs deal with only cutting calories, but that's backward. I first address why we overeat , then I look at the way we should be eating and exercising from now on. To me, a diet refers to the foods we consume, not a temporary way of eating to achieve a goal"

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My diet and exercise overhaul

Current Daily Exercise:
Commuting to work. 10 flights of steps plus walking to and from train station. Not a lot, but enough to make me out of breath.

Before I moved to NYC I led a very sedentary life style. I would wake up go to work, sit all day, come home, sit some more and then go to bed. I would avoid many, if not all activities that required my body to move. You know the term “if you don’t use it, you lose it” can apply to our bodies. It worries me how sedentary I was and how much I really still am. I would exercise occasionally and then watching TV would win, but I’m starting to accept that moving your body and being active isn’t something that only a few people do or athletes do. I have found that while in the beginning I may not have energy for exercise that I can eventually push through that. The more energy you give the more you get. It’s a simple and effective philosophy. I really recommend the January 2007 issue of O magazine (Oprah) for realistic exercise advice. If you go from a completely sedentary lifestyle to exercising all the time you will burn out and possibly injure yourself. Start out slowly building muscle and getting your body used to extra movement and build over weeks.

I am currently physically able to do 45 minutes of cardio + weight training. I will use this blog to track my process and daily exercise regimen along with keeping a food diary.

Eat real food!
I will blog more about this tonight!

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Breakfast: The most important meal of the day

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Getting Started

Hello again!
I'm back from a small (much needed) internet break from this blog and my other one over at www.loveyoudeer.com. I needed time to sort through my ideas and content for both sites. Sometimes you need a little break. I feel like for this website to be a service to me and anyone else who comes across it the content needs to be updated on a daily basis and that is something I am committing to. Anyhow, eating has been fair, I do not over eat often anymore and my weight loss is slowing down. When I first moved to NY two months ago my weight was moving downward on a regular basis. Now I'm at a steady 291.0 and down from a size 26 to a 24. I weighed myself two days ago and I was at 291.0 and now I'm up to 296 which I can credit my approaching period for that. So I will do my start weight as 296.5.

This blog is about exercise based weight loss and the understanding of balanced eating. I feel like there is enough information on weight loss to confuse the most logical person.
I want to provide the best information possible and leave denial and comfort at the door. Being healthy isn't something you start doing to eventually stop when the stress of life takes over. Good health is apart of life and I honestly believe it doesn't have to be difficult or end with a gallon of ice cream and the hopes for a better Monday.
Let's get started:
My current Weight: 291.5 (edit) 296 (sigh)
Height: 5'4 (64 inches)
BMI: 50
Current Size: 24 (based on old navy)
I will do measurements this evening after work when I can locate the tape measure.
Exercise: Daily aerobic exercise with strength training
Choices: 8-minutes in the morning with Jorge Cruz and Tae Bo will Billy Blanks

I plan to have a gym membership in the very near future. Having access to a gym is very important and can be a good motivator for a lot of people especially those that have never had a membership. Some are more expensive than others, but occasionally gyms have special membership rates. I will address exercise in depth throughout this blog and very soon along with exercise obstacles and gym anxiety. I recently said "but, I can't afford a gym membership" and was told "you can't afford not to have a gym membership", which is interesting because I make myself afford clothes that I feel will make me look better and hide all the fat, but I never had made time to afford taking care of my health. Making your health a priority in the long run is more rewarding than finding that "perfect" plus size outfit. Trust me, I've looked and it doesn't exist.

As far as food goes… I have been a "dieter" for a while now. I did the Atkins, I did calorie restriction, I did anything that seemed crazy and quick. I picked up those magazines promising 40lb weight loss by the next holiday that was 3 weeks away. You name it…I tried it. There are people that successfully lose weight on diets only to gain it back eventually and continue doing the same diet and then gaining every time there after claiming "it works for me". I lost on Atkins, but it did not fit into my lifestyle permanently. It’s hard to remember that if you lost on a diet before and ended up gaining it all back that the diet did not work for you. There are so many diet philosophies in the world I am still learning a lot about proper diet and do not claim to be an expert. I believe that when you start eating differently you have to train yourself and change your habits a bit dramatically. I love Oprah and her magazine where she talks openly about her struggles with weight. When she first started losing weight with Bob Greene, she had a simple diet with structure along with a good exercise plan. Her diet cut out junk food and a lot of sugar and white foods (flour, rice etc). She kept up with it until her weight was gone and now she maintains her weight. In her January 2007 she said “I eat what I want, when I want, and sometimes I have dessert for dinner, because I am no longer an emotional eater”. Of course, we all know miss Winfrey has chefs, personal trainers and counselors helping her along the way, but she really shows that if you work on yourself you can change anything you need to. I believe that if you begin to heal yourself you will not need food for healing.

Its been said that is can take up to 4 weeks to change a habit. Could you imagine what would happen if you cut out junk food? I would imagine that your body would rejoice and your mouths could begin tasting and enjoy food again. If you look at food in the simplest of ways you start to understand something that is so simple, but often overlooked…the only purpose for food is to nourish and fuel your body. I’m not a fan of counting calories, or food diaries, but understand that they are important in the beginning. Weight loss is simple, you have to burn more calories than you consume.

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