The existence of happiness and anger

Pssst...I'm in the 270's now! woo...official weigh-in Sunday.

There really is something exciting and hopeful when you enter the lower section of digits on the scale. It means you're doing something right and your body acknowledges it. This week I've had a better plan with my points. I am eating less of them in the morning pre-after work hours leaving me with 15-20 after work, usually I will eat them, but I have to tell you I could stop eating sooner because of feeling full, but I don't want to go to bed on a 1,000 calorie day. My points equal about 1,800 calories which is what I need to lose about 2 lbs a week. I don't feel deprived or hungry at all and that makes me the most happy.

I am pre PMS at the moment and like some women I have a bad combination of cravings and rage. Sometimes, I feel weird even mentioning what PMS and periods in general do to me mentally and physically, mostly because it feels like I'm using this as an excuse. I had cookies the other night that Josh made me, two large ones. I practically begged him to make them for me, but its hard to explain those things along with the moodiness to men when they generally have no idea. I think bad PMS runs in the family, you really do not want to cross my mom or sister in this time.

I say this because last night after watching fast food nation I became increasingly angry over things that already bother me. Not just the meat industry, but large corporations and the seemingly lack of thinking in a lot of Americans regarding legislation, big business and the food industry.

I was discussing this with Josh last night about indigestion. Have you ever watched the commercial where the four over weight guys are shoveling down grease at their local diner and then are in pain so instead of thinking "hey, this food is shit for me and makes me sick, I will continue to eat it...as long as I have Tums!". That attitude about food in general, really gets me down- mostly because I have been there and now I see it from another point of view. I haven't eaten at any major fast food chains in the last seven months except for Wendy's when I went to WV for Christmas. And coincidentally for the two days after that I was throwing up what seemed like the entire lot of my organs.

You could say I am angry. I'm angry at my own stupidity and the ignorance of others when it comes to food.

It bothers me when I hear women say "oh my husband loves fast food, and doesn't eat vegetables", why is this? What kind of society are we raising our children in that they have lost their palettes to natural food. I get enraged when I see parents feeding their children chips, coke, twinkies, and mcDonalds. Why has it become okay to eat poison? Why do women not eat (or have a hard time eating) healthy foods because their husbands don't like "healthy food". (Have I ever mentioned that I loath word "hubby" ack). He has two hands, no?

I'm also tired of hearing fat people blame everything under the sun for their weight besides themselves. I've heard the old one "healthy food is too expensive?". Really? Because I'll tell ya, when I lived in WV I spent a whole hell of a lot of money on food. Why? I was eating a lot more than I do now. The last time I checked bread, fruit, vegetables and lean meats were not that expensive. I think the saddest thing about this thought process is that it will cost more money in the long run treating illness from a lifetime of eating poison.

I’m still not sure what my thoughts are on eating meat. I can say that my beef consumption is rare to never. Taking care of ones self is not a trend or fad or some nutty ideas hippies and Bill Maher (heart him) had, it’s everyone’s reality. I feel like I can’t express these feelings with a lot of people because it’s such a hot topic, but I think its just simple logic and thinking. I want to tell everyone I know and care about to stop eating the crap at fast food places and not worry that they will be offended.

I still eat crap, just better versions and less of it. I don't crave fast food ever and to me that is half the battle.

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The beat goes on

Thanks to everyone for the kind input on my last post.

Right now I'm struggling with energy and not just physical energy, but emotional energy. I don't want to use this blog as an outlet for negative energy, but positive. Writing in this blog helps me to figure things out by writing how I feel.

Before I go on I wanted to send out congratulations to a few blogs that I read (and can be found on the right hand side of this blog under "Inspiring Links")

-A Fat Brides Maid, for making the decision to start the south beach diet and her entry into the 280's! Cheers to her success now and into the future!

-Marshmallow (I always want to type "marshmellow") at Do you have an extra large in this? For her recent gym and weight loss success!

-Reducing Redhead- Happy Birthday!

-Krissi (Zookins)- For her recent 12.5 pounds lost in two weeks! That’s really wonderful!

-The former gymnast- for starting her spring exercise challenge!

I just wanted to give them a little cheer for their hard work :)

I also wanted to post about my decision to cancel my membership to weight watchers. This isn't a horrible thing or giving up. I was laying in bed on Sunday morning and told Josh that I really didn't want to go and his response was "would you rather be going to gym?" and I said yes.

The truth is, this diet or any diet alone will never be the key to long-term success. For many reasons. I've got the dieting part down (for the most part) and I want begin treating the exercise part as the most important aspect. Exercise is the key to changing my body and so that’s my mission.

I feel like I get more out of blogging and the day to day accountability that I get from logging my food, exercise and weight here. I get support here as well as encouragement. Not to discount the effectiveness of the meetings, I got what I needed, but how much longer can I continue to just focus on my food which ultimately drives me mad? I was starting to look at the meetings as something I was doing for them and not for me, I realized this when I was saying "I don't want to disappoint them", "I can't go if I haven't lost any weight"...that really is ridiculous. I felt like going to the meetings was more for their numbers and statistics which ultimately makes me feel weird.

I've rattled on enough about that. I’m retaining a lot from the salt of last week and it showed on the scale yesterday. I am confident that it is all water retention and that I will meet my goal of 275 by March 31st.

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Who am I?

As I move forward with my weight loss efforts I have a burning question that has been haunting me for awhile now.

Who am I?

I don’t really think I totally know or accept this person. Or whatever that means. I’ve been in situations where I think a person will think I am dumb and then I transform into a dumb person. Incapable of intelligent thought. And then there are those situations where I feel free to think and be myself on some surface level, and shine, but ultimately feel like a fraud. I’m sure everyone goes through this to some degree, but I feel like some ignore it and some actively pursue who they are like its this outside force to be reckoned with.

I have been in many cases, the person someone wanted me to be or thought I was. Sort of like a chameleon. Transforming my thoughts and actions according the crowd I’m around.

I envy those that are brave enough to be themselves regardless of the situation. I have done many embarrassing things in my life for the sake of feeling accepted to later resolve that if only I had the courage to be myself…I would have been accepted.

There are people that have met me and instantly believe that I am moody and angry, and those that believe I am boring and quiet without any thoughts or opinions, those that believe I am socially retarded, those that believe I am brave, those that believe I am simply a kind doormat, those that believe I am quirky and slightly crazy, those that believe I am fun to be around, those that believe I am intelligent and those that believe I am naive and dumb. The truth is, I beat myself up everytime I come off as any of these to anyone, especially people I want to have in my life.

I recently read a comment that Marshmallow (Do you have an extra large in this? /Blog in inspiration blogs) left where she stated “I know what the score is with being fat - I know my role, I know what I have to do. But if you take that role away from me, what's left?". I can relate to this so much. The part about playing roles and being this person that you and everyone else believes a fat person should be.

I hate that if you are funny, loud, quiet, rudeor nice its never because that is who you are, its because you are fat. For example, If you are a nice fat girl then you are considered a people pleaser that just wants acceptance. If you are rude or moody, it is because you are mad at the world about your weight and unhappy with your life. If you are quiet it is because you do not have the self-confidence to speak louder. If you are funny, it is because you want to be accepted and seen so you feel you have to be funny and not just fat. It goes on and on and on, I know people of all sizes deal with these same personality issues, but I feel like when you struggle with your weight your personality plays two roles and its easy to get lost in that.

As a fat person, am I always compensating for the weight? Trying to find an “in” with people, something that will make me “ok” and acceptable. My answer, right now is yes. How many other fat people are out there trying to be the most intelligent, the funniest, or the wittiest? It’s exhausting to be it and to witness it in other people as well.

As I move forward, I’d really like to figure out my sense of style, sense of humor and interests regardless of outside influence or how it will make me look. Not worry about things such as… will liking this help other people to like me?, will changing my hair color or cut make me prettier and help people to not see the fat?, will wearing this shirt make me not invisible?, will reading this book or watching this movie make me more relatable?. There are so many events, art shows, places that I would like to explore without worrying “will they accept me?”.

It’s hard for me to write this as I feel like I’m sort of exposing myself and maybe other people too. I guess I ask myself, when will it be okay to be me and not my weight?

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Weight Watchers Food Points

Sometimes I need some fast meal ideas,ideas for grocery shopping, or something I can order for take out that is easy on the points. Anyhow, I wanted to make a post with foods I like and the points value.

One Point Per Burger
Boca Burgers! I love these, especially the All American ones. In my opinion they are better than most fast food hamburgers and I tend to be picky about the taste of vegetarian substitutes. They have 4g of fiber and 14g of protein.

White rice and brown rice has 4 points per 1 cup. Of course, brown rice is better as far as GI goes.

Dreyer's Fat Free Frozen Yogurt 1/2 cup is 2 points.

Vegetable and Chicken egg rolls have 4 points each and pork has 5 points each. You will know it is pork if it has pink flecks of meat in it...

Provolone Cheese is 3 points per one ounce. One ounce looks like 4 dice. I count one slice as three points as well (100 calories, 8g fat, 0 fiber)

One egg has 2 points and three egg whites has one point.

One large potato has 3 points.

Naan! This has 4 points per serving. What is a serving? This one is tricky. I usually eat half of an 8 inch circular slice and I count this as four.

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To go or not to go, that was the question

First, I want to give a big thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday! It was a really nice day and I did have dessert...twice. gasp!

So, at work I had a giant gourmet hostess styled chocolate cupcake which was good, but I felt like I was going to pass out from the sugar. Does this happen to anyone else out there in diet-blog-land? My tolerance for sugar is decreasing, my eyes tell me I can eat more and more of it like I used to. And then I realize that I feel like I've been hit by a bus.

Anyhow, later that evening Josh took me out to a French restaurant called Jolie. Oh lord, it was good. We had red wine, french bread, real butter, a cheese platter with grapes, steak, french fries with sea salt, creme brulee, and a blueberry crumble tart.

This week I've had progress in the fact that I exercised (er, once) and followed plan most of the week. However, the birthday splurge left me feeling very off-plan and not keeping track of things on paper only in my head which we all know is never good. I also feel lighter and smaller despite being at the same weight as last week. The reason I say this is because I fit into jeans I have been avoiding for quite some time. I've called them my 15-20 lb jeans, you know..."they will fit if I lose 15-20 lbs". And guess what? I've been wearing them all weekend and they are loose. Loose! Also, I went to the movies (Zodiac) tonight and did not feel like I was squeezing my thunder thighs between two plastic shards. I fit, comfortably.

I didn't go to weight watchers this morning and I quietly tip toed around the apartment so Josh wouldn't wake up. Not that he beats me for not going, but gives me the look of "why are you paying for this if you aren't going", which he gave me and he is right. I couldn't face them knowing I weigh the same after two weeks. I keep hearing this voice telling me "you weigh so much, you should lose every week". And part of me knows it is the truth. And knows there are times when I shouldn't have eaten what I did, but I feel like if I'm honest with myself, stay out of denial and keep going forward ...it will keep coming off. I'm unraveling years of food issues, body issues, people issues and personality issues. My weight isn't because I was once thin and got fat. I've always been fat.

When I was filling out my application for that weight-loss show they asked for a picture that I felt comfortable at. I really did not have one. I just threw one in from when I was 15 and at 180, but I felt just as fat then as I do now. They also asked "how did you become fat (in other words)?" and that was hard for me to answer. I didn't have babies, or get lazy, or have something traumatic happen. I just ate. A lot. All of the time.

So anyway, cheers to fitting into the 15-20 lb pants, to those that support me, and to those who are dedicated to their health and happiness.

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24 is the magic number

So here it is, the morning of my 24 birthday. What is 24 like anyway?
This year is a bit bitter sweet for me as I am away from friends and family, but in my favorite city with Joshie.
I don't see cake and ice cream in the plans today. Just perhaps want to treat this like any other day, just a year older and hopefully wiser. 23 was a doozey. Did I just say doozey?
My life has changed a lot since my last birthday. This time last year I was working at a place that treated their employees like cattle, with a highly unexcitable income. I was lonely in Huntington in an apartment complex that never really felt like home. I was swimming in debt and eating to the point of being sick every night before bed.

I can't say how many times I just wanted to run away from the residue that remained from the memorable days of college. Things became forced, spending time with friends came down to a fine calculation of everyone’s schedule, and I found myself hiding away from people that did want to spend time with me.

I miss my friends and family dearly on days like today. But, so grateful to find my life where it is right now. A place that I brought myself to, in a city that is visually beautiful, at a job where I am more than appreciated every day with an income that doesn't leave me swimming in debt, in a life where I get hugs every day and fall asleep every night because I'm tired not because I'm sick from food.

So I find myself today with happiness from change at 23; anticipation and hope for 24.

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Billy Blanks-Fat Blasting Cardio

Me and Billy had a date this morning around 7am. I wasn't sure I had enough energy to give to him, but I made it for the entire 45 minutes. It felt good and it actually gave me a ton of energy for the day. I suppose the saying "give energy to get energy" is true.

I also ate three boiled eggs for breakfast which has given me even more energy.

I calculated my workout at 8 activity points for weight watchers. Meaning I can eat 8 more points for the day. I feel weird eating those points, unless I work out a lot. It's kind of like eating what I burned off. Do other people out there in blog land (that follow weight watchers) actually use these? I feel like a ham actually using them, but feel more motivated to say I gained activity points for the sake of having them.

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Weight Loss Chip Clips

I found these on Etsy recently and thought they were kinda clever and all proceeds go to charity. I'm interested in starting a weight-loss inspired etsy shop in the near future. Maybe by summer?

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I'm here

Another week came and went in a snap. Here are the highs and lows of the week:

Got a new (josh's old) computer with loads of music
went up the 5 flights of stairs once
got over sickness
very good work related news
Started monthly
cleaned house and began shedding of winter skin

Didn't exercise
Started monthly
didn't blog or record food (ie: half-assed mental tracking)
missed weight watchers meeting due to lateness from time change
battled sickness and extreme cold outside most of week

So that is that.

I am reminded this week about a story my college counselor once told me in relation to my weight and bad habits. She told me that growing up her family never wore seatbelts. It was the late 70's early 80's and it just wasn't enforced or a habit. Until the seatbelt commercials started, it became a law and was enforced. She said that they hated it at first, it was uncomfortable and on occasion they would forget to buckle up, but eventually it became a habit and it was no longer uncomfortable.

My hope is, that my bad habits will turn a new leaf and no longer be weird or uncomfortable. Because of my weight loss last week, I gotlazy. I got too confident and then the PMS settled in. All excuses, all the same habits...nothing changed.

The lesson? Daily enforcement of new habits and the recognition of old habits when they are happening, not after.

Also, staying away from all Women's magazines. ugh...
I haven't bought glamour, cosmo, marie claire, for some time now and didn't have the desire to pick one up until this week. The sad thing is that I allowed it to make me feel disgusted and ashamed to be in this body. There was a poll in Glamour that states most women want a body like Jessica Alba's. The article had this picture of her that I couldn't stop staring at and realizing that I could weigh 110 and never have a body like that because of all of the damage. The lumps, scars, sores, and stretch marks. Losing this weight for me, cannot simply be about vanity because I will never be able to wear a bikini at any weight. And accepting that, one day will be helpful,right?

So remembering to actually do the things I am planning, or ...wait... stop planning and actually doing what I need to do to get where I want to be which is a healthy weight.

I leave you with pictures from this past week and the promise of a brighter week ahead because after all I turn 24 Wednesday!

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low energy

It's snowing in New York today, which means I'm at work freezing because we do not have heat. I missed work yesterday due to sickness which I've had since last Friday. It's not quite the flu, but its zapping me of all of my energy.

Needless to say I am feeling a bit sloth-like at the moment. I spent my time off yesterday doing...? I can't even remember. I watched four episodes of an old teen drama called Popular from the WB, which has sucked me in. I need to spend some time working on getting out of my dreary winter sloth-mode, that I seem to be stuck in. The weather is making me want to nest and eat...and watch teen dramas.

I hope you enjoyed my audition tape, I look like a Marshmellow eh? Those arms! The size of Texas!

Moving along, I saw this idea on Spark People recently about making a weight loss scrap book. I'm not really into that whole scrap book trend, but I thought it could be fun. This lady said she put pictures of herself as she loses weight, quotes and mesages to herself about why she is losing weight. She mentioned bringing it to work with her so when she felt tempted around lunch time to eat grease she would glance at her book and it kept her mentally in tuned with her goals. I kind of like this idea of creating something personal like this to have around. I think working on it is positive mentally and also inforces goals on a daily basis.

I love notebooks and I like the idea of organizing weight loss tips, progress and inspiration in one handy little place. Perhaps I will start one today!

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Fat Girl Dance

This is a video I recently recorded for a new weight loss television show by a company called Richochet Television. It's highly embarrassing but I had fun making it anyway, I made it late at night so the lighting is bad. I hope it provides you all with a good laugh, like it did me & Josh.

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Gold Star!

I'm giving myself a virtual gold start today for losing 5 pounds this week. I've mentioned this before, but my home scale is about 3-5 lbs lower than the WW scale so I use the WW scale as my official weigh-in amount. Anyway, last weigh in I was at 290 and now I am at 285!
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I am at a total loss of 12 pounds since I started at the end of January!
I'm working on my new mini-goal for this week and will update that by the end of the day.

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Stop. Think. Listen. Proceed.

I’m starting to feel as though one reason why I’ve remained overweight for a good portion of my life is because I’ve been thinking and reasoning like a fat person.

When it comes to food that I like (love) I’ve always reasoned and justified eating horse portions and even made jokes about it. Because for some reason its hilarious to over eat? I’ve seen other fat people do this, they say “I’ve had a really bad day, I deserve this much ice cream”. I’m no longer hearing that anymore, I hear “I’ve had a bad day, I want to punish myself with food”. And is that not really what it is?

Slowly, I am making progress and realizing that being a thin person requires rerouting thoughts and my quest to eat as much food as possible.

I used to be a fast food hopper, a few things from this restaurant and then a few more from the restaurant down the road. I would always hide my bags in the floor of the passenger seat and cover them with a coat or blanket. I felt that unless I was eating a lot of junk food, I wouldn’t be satisfied and its purpose was lost. I would be left wanting more.

There are so many levels to how wrong that is. There is a person inside of me that is logical and knows this food is poison and only leaves me wanting more every time. I’ve ignored that person for so long.

Friday night after eating very lightly all day I had an enormous craving for Indian food. I wanted the works, mostly because I was hungry, but I had to have crab curry, samosa’s, and naan. There were two samosas and I ate one, I could have had both, but a weird (or normal) thing happened. I felt my old habits saying “eat the other one! Come on!” and then this new voice that was quiet and meek said “But, it won’t be as good as the first one, and you really don’t want another one”. I didn’t eat the other one and its sitting in the trash bin as I type this. I said this to Josh that night and how monumental those new thoughts are for me.

Perhaps, I never really wanted more food to begin with, but I wasn’t listening. Is it possible that I am slowly becoming someone who balances the good food with the bad? Am I reasoning a delicious dinner with facts of eating lightly all day instead of feeling that I deserve it on some emotionally driven way?

Despite being tripped up a couple of times this week, what really changed was allowing myself to feel hunger before I eat and stopping when I was full (this is rocket science folks! Ha ha). There was a time in my life where I didn’t know what hunger felt like and I was confused about the message. I was mistaken about what hunger actually felt like. The voids and emotional pain began to take front seat to the need to actually eat.

I got here because I’ve been thinking and living like a fat person and I recognize this; these new ideas have given me the freedom to change. And for the small message, I’m so grateful. I don’t always need to find “room for more” or have my “second wind” just to squeeze in more food. It seems so simple…Stop. Think. Listen. Proceed.

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a new love...half-naked popcorn

I discovered this popcorn about two months ago at the deli close to work. I was honestly expecting it to be bland, but I bought it anyways.

Two months later, I'm still in love!

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I love this popcorn for two reason the taste and its stats. Check them out:
Good Health Half Naked Popcorn w/ Olive Oil

Serving Size: 4 cups
Calories: 120
Total Fat: 3 g
Saturated Fat: 0
Cholesterol: 0
Fiber: 4 g

I'm tempted to sneak it into the movies. Don't tell anyone!

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Love Life (and update on mini goals)

I wish I could describe my reaction when the scale goes down, maybe one day I will video tape it.

I got on the scale this morning and it read 281.0 which is the lowest I've been in a year. I thought "okay, what? really? lets move the scale somewhere else" and then I weigh myself in the hallway, then the living room...281 every time. Over and over again I do this and then I do my on-the-scale dance move that is very entertaining.

So you know what this means? I am one pound away from my 5 pound weight loss this week!

If you look at my food journal this week you will see a few weak decisions on my part *cough* donuts *cough*. But, I recovered and kept moving.

My pal Tina Weena (what I like to call her) made me a bracelet back in the college dorm days that reads "love life". Its a little beat up...
the elastic is unraveling and its just hanging on by a little sliver of silver thread, but I'm sporting it anyway.

It reminds me of my goals and to keep going.

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Getting out of my head and the sassy dresser

I've been beating myself up lately for a few poor food choices that seem to have been coming and going for the last two weeks. I eat something that I would consider unhealthy even if it fits into my flex points and then I feel guilty and then I just sort of keep going. I love this plan, but I always feel that the "you can eat what you want" mentality keeps me coming into old habits instead of breaking them. I think "well, I have flex points for donuts" so I eat them and then I feel gooky (very scientific word) on the inside about it. I'm torn right now between very restrictive diets that are unrealistic long-term and diets that are more flexible. I've done the restrictive low-carb diet and was successful with it, but I got into the "one biscuit won't hurt" mentality and then a few months later I gained it all back.

I'm starting to think that being restrictive to lose weight is a good way to go for me, but also having the hindsight to know that when the weight is off I can't run to the nearest Golden Coral and eat my weight in mashed potatoes.

So today, I keep reminding myself something very simple..."if I don't do this now, when will I.?” And I'm forgiving myself for all of my food sins past and present.

My other point is that I wish I could fit into clothes that I love. When I express personal style at this weight, it comes off a bit eccentric and misguided. It would be nice to look cute and not like Mimi from the Drew Carey show. For example, people always ooh and ahh over high fashion outfits on stick-thin models, but if you super-size that outfit on someone like me it looks tragic and as if I'm trying too hard. Not that I'm a fan of high-fashion, but it seems that even if a big girl wears something that isn't black and shapeless it brings on much unneeded attention.

I remember a good-outfit day I had while shopping alone in the local flea market in West Virginia. I had on jeans and a black top that wasn't baggy (lord forbid) and a floral sash around my hips (remember the sash trend?). I was feeling good and as I strutted past two elderly and overweight ladies; one said in a very loud voice "she shouldn't be wearing that". I turned around and glared and kept walking with my head up. It bothered me though, and I went home and analyzed every detail of my outfit and went to friends for comfort. I didn't feel like the outfit was inappropriate for me, I mean it wasn't like I had on a belly top and a mini skirt. And we've all seen that. But, the point is when you have a little sass in your clothes and you aren't a size 6, it’s like wearing a large blinking sign that reads “I’m fat and I will wear what I want” and that seems to make people uncomfortable.

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