Stop. Think. Listen. Proceed.

I’m starting to feel as though one reason why I’ve remained overweight for a good portion of my life is because I’ve been thinking and reasoning like a fat person.

When it comes to food that I like (love) I’ve always reasoned and justified eating horse portions and even made jokes about it. Because for some reason its hilarious to over eat? I’ve seen other fat people do this, they say “I’ve had a really bad day, I deserve this much ice cream”. I’m no longer hearing that anymore, I hear “I’ve had a bad day, I want to punish myself with food”. And is that not really what it is?

Slowly, I am making progress and realizing that being a thin person requires rerouting thoughts and my quest to eat as much food as possible.

I used to be a fast food hopper, a few things from this restaurant and then a few more from the restaurant down the road. I would always hide my bags in the floor of the passenger seat and cover them with a coat or blanket. I felt that unless I was eating a lot of junk food, I wouldn’t be satisfied and its purpose was lost. I would be left wanting more.

There are so many levels to how wrong that is. There is a person inside of me that is logical and knows this food is poison and only leaves me wanting more every time. I’ve ignored that person for so long.

Friday night after eating very lightly all day I had an enormous craving for Indian food. I wanted the works, mostly because I was hungry, but I had to have crab curry, samosa’s, and naan. There were two samosas and I ate one, I could have had both, but a weird (or normal) thing happened. I felt my old habits saying “eat the other one! Come on!” and then this new voice that was quiet and meek said “But, it won’t be as good as the first one, and you really don’t want another one”. I didn’t eat the other one and its sitting in the trash bin as I type this. I said this to Josh that night and how monumental those new thoughts are for me.

Perhaps, I never really wanted more food to begin with, but I wasn’t listening. Is it possible that I am slowly becoming someone who balances the good food with the bad? Am I reasoning a delicious dinner with facts of eating lightly all day instead of feeling that I deserve it on some emotionally driven way?

Despite being tripped up a couple of times this week, what really changed was allowing myself to feel hunger before I eat and stopping when I was full (this is rocket science folks! Ha ha). There was a time in my life where I didn’t know what hunger felt like and I was confused about the message. I was mistaken about what hunger actually felt like. The voids and emotional pain began to take front seat to the need to actually eat.

I got here because I’ve been thinking and living like a fat person and I recognize this; these new ideas have given me the freedom to change. And for the small message, I’m so grateful. I don’t always need to find “room for more” or have my “second wind” just to squeeze in more food. It seems so simple…Stop. Think. Listen. Proceed.

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