Getting out of my head and the sassy dresser

I've been beating myself up lately for a few poor food choices that seem to have been coming and going for the last two weeks. I eat something that I would consider unhealthy even if it fits into my flex points and then I feel guilty and then I just sort of keep going. I love this plan, but I always feel that the "you can eat what you want" mentality keeps me coming into old habits instead of breaking them. I think "well, I have flex points for donuts" so I eat them and then I feel gooky (very scientific word) on the inside about it. I'm torn right now between very restrictive diets that are unrealistic long-term and diets that are more flexible. I've done the restrictive low-carb diet and was successful with it, but I got into the "one biscuit won't hurt" mentality and then a few months later I gained it all back.

I'm starting to think that being restrictive to lose weight is a good way to go for me, but also having the hindsight to know that when the weight is off I can't run to the nearest Golden Coral and eat my weight in mashed potatoes.

So today, I keep reminding myself something very simple..."if I don't do this now, when will I.?” And I'm forgiving myself for all of my food sins past and present.

My other point is that I wish I could fit into clothes that I love. When I express personal style at this weight, it comes off a bit eccentric and misguided. It would be nice to look cute and not like Mimi from the Drew Carey show. For example, people always ooh and ahh over high fashion outfits on stick-thin models, but if you super-size that outfit on someone like me it looks tragic and as if I'm trying too hard. Not that I'm a fan of high-fashion, but it seems that even if a big girl wears something that isn't black and shapeless it brings on much unneeded attention.

I remember a good-outfit day I had while shopping alone in the local flea market in West Virginia. I had on jeans and a black top that wasn't baggy (lord forbid) and a floral sash around my hips (remember the sash trend?). I was feeling good and as I strutted past two elderly and overweight ladies; one said in a very loud voice "she shouldn't be wearing that". I turned around and glared and kept walking with my head up. It bothered me though, and I went home and analyzed every detail of my outfit and went to friends for comfort. I didn't feel like the outfit was inappropriate for me, I mean it wasn't like I had on a belly top and a mini skirt. And we've all seen that. But, the point is when you have a little sass in your clothes and you aren't a size 6, it’s like wearing a large blinking sign that reads “I’m fat and I will wear what I want” and that seems to make people uncomfortable.

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, those old ladies were just out of it. I've seen the pictures you have, and you have a cute and colorful style of dress, and it is not the most conservative but it isn't Mimi either. I'm sorry you spent that time second-guessing yourself, but lots of us do, at any weight.

I'm not sure what they were reacting to, and there are shows like "what to wear" which I think might agree with them/ suggest alternatives that might make you look smaller. Honestly, I suspect it wasn't the weight they meant, but just simply the "out there" ness of it.

It annoys me when people are as judgemental as they are, and loudly, and as if there is no other style or way to behave that is acceptable. As so many books say, at the end of the day, if you can please just one person (yourself), count yourself lucky. The issues other people have with you say far more about them than about you.

The bad/ good news: this kind of behavior doesn't end when you weigh a socially acceptable amount. Bad news: that means that you will always have to deal with it; good news: you don't have to weigh a certain number to (mentally) tell interlopers where to go.

4:32 PM  

Post a Comment