Who am I?

As I move forward with my weight loss efforts I have a burning question that has been haunting me for awhile now.

Who am I?

I don’t really think I totally know or accept this person. Or whatever that means. I’ve been in situations where I think a person will think I am dumb and then I transform into a dumb person. Incapable of intelligent thought. And then there are those situations where I feel free to think and be myself on some surface level, and shine, but ultimately feel like a fraud. I’m sure everyone goes through this to some degree, but I feel like some ignore it and some actively pursue who they are like its this outside force to be reckoned with.

I have been in many cases, the person someone wanted me to be or thought I was. Sort of like a chameleon. Transforming my thoughts and actions according the crowd I’m around.

I envy those that are brave enough to be themselves regardless of the situation. I have done many embarrassing things in my life for the sake of feeling accepted to later resolve that if only I had the courage to be myself…I would have been accepted.

There are people that have met me and instantly believe that I am moody and angry, and those that believe I am boring and quiet without any thoughts or opinions, those that believe I am socially retarded, those that believe I am brave, those that believe I am simply a kind doormat, those that believe I am quirky and slightly crazy, those that believe I am fun to be around, those that believe I am intelligent and those that believe I am naive and dumb. The truth is, I beat myself up everytime I come off as any of these to anyone, especially people I want to have in my life.

I recently read a comment that Marshmallow (Do you have an extra large in this? /Blog in inspiration blogs) left where she stated “I know what the score is with being fat - I know my role, I know what I have to do. But if you take that role away from me, what's left?". I can relate to this so much. The part about playing roles and being this person that you and everyone else believes a fat person should be.

I hate that if you are funny, loud, quiet, rudeor nice its never because that is who you are, its because you are fat. For example, If you are a nice fat girl then you are considered a people pleaser that just wants acceptance. If you are rude or moody, it is because you are mad at the world about your weight and unhappy with your life. If you are quiet it is because you do not have the self-confidence to speak louder. If you are funny, it is because you want to be accepted and seen so you feel you have to be funny and not just fat. It goes on and on and on, I know people of all sizes deal with these same personality issues, but I feel like when you struggle with your weight your personality plays two roles and its easy to get lost in that.

As a fat person, am I always compensating for the weight? Trying to find an “in” with people, something that will make me “ok” and acceptable. My answer, right now is yes. How many other fat people are out there trying to be the most intelligent, the funniest, or the wittiest? It’s exhausting to be it and to witness it in other people as well.

As I move forward, I’d really like to figure out my sense of style, sense of humor and interests regardless of outside influence or how it will make me look. Not worry about things such as… will liking this help other people to like me?, will changing my hair color or cut make me prettier and help people to not see the fat?, will wearing this shirt make me not invisible?, will reading this book or watching this movie make me more relatable?. There are so many events, art shows, places that I would like to explore without worrying “will they accept me?”.

It’s hard for me to write this as I feel like I’m sort of exposing myself and maybe other people too. I guess I ask myself, when will it be okay to be me and not my weight?

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Blogger Megan said...

Wow. You really hit the nail on the head. I have found that often at times, I don't really know who I am either & I have to really think about it. GREAT post!

4:42 PM  
Blogger FAT BRIDESMAID said...

I agree -- terrific post. It's given me something to think about while I fix dinner.

5:51 PM  
Blogger Krissi said...

Oh, honey - I think this comes with age.

At 34, I no longer crave the acceptance of people around me, and have learned that either they will like me or they won't. *shrug* They can't truly make me happy - only I'm capable of that.

Believe me, in time, you'll listen to your own voice and your own heart, and live as the strong, wonderful, fascinating woman you're meant to be.


7:43 PM  
Blogger Marshmallow said...

Really good post, Lorrie. You brought up a lot of thoughts that I've been having - you could've quite easily have dug into my brain! It deserves linkage.

3:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with Krissi. At your age, I didn't have a clue who I was. Gaining or losing weight complicates the issue of identity, but you'd be hammering one out for yourself anyway. YOUR definition of who you are is the the most important one, and weight is only a part of that.

How other people see you is more about them; their experiences, and the filters they see the world through than it is about you.


PS. I still didn't know who I was at Krissi's age, so she's smarter than I am.

12:46 PM  
Blogger CazLon said...

Lorrie, this post was written with such honesty and insight that I am simply in awe. You have summed up how I feel in words that I could never use, but hit the nail on the head exactly. I'm still in the place you describe, matching my personality to other people's expectations, I havent quite grasped the 'I am me and like it or lump it' aspect yet, but I hope that realising this is the first step. Good to know that I'm not alone, and thanks for giving our innermost thoughts a voice. If even 1% of your insight and originality comes through all of the time, then believe me, people will be lucky to call you their friend.

11:07 AM  
Blogger Megan said...

What a fantastic post. Really well said. I, too, have felt like this before. I think it is a combination of getting older and the weight loss process. I'm 31 and feel pretty comfortable with who I am. However, I still feel anxiety when in situations that my weight seems to really matter. Keep expressing yourself, whether it is here or elsewhere. You're on a great journey to find yourself. Besides, who we are changes throughout our lives, so everyone is in a constant process of rediscovering ourselves.

3:07 PM  
Anonymous aKaVaR said...

youre a skinny person trapped inside a larger persons body!

12:57 PM  
Anonymous ZaNTReXiaN said...

true, it gets a lot harder to stay skinny as you get older and become more lethargic and less active.

12:58 PM  

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