panic without a k

I've been meaning to blog more this week, but after we got home Monday evening from a holiday weekend at my parents I was just too tired. Especially after the baking (5 desserts!), traveling, and eating!

Tuesday morning I got on the scale and I panicked. I was stunned and shocked and wanted to cry.

And that is why I didn't write. Last week I was weighing in around 283. Which we all know is up from my summer losses and pre-virginia moving losses. I'm not the only one around here who is suffering from the lack of nyc walking on the scale, Josh has gained a little weight too.

The 290 I saw glaring back at me Tuesday morning was almost too much to handle. I felt hopeless and out of control. I kept thinking "only 10 more pounds until I'm in the 300 again!" And then I calmed down and went to the gym.

Eating less this week and some exercise has brought me back to 283 as of this evening (plus wearing lots of warm clothing) and I realized that I shouldn't put so much thought and remorse into the scale.

During my panic I almost started weight watchers again, desperate for a solution. I needed to feel in control again. I needed direction. Luckily with my holiday budget getting tighter, I just didn't have the extra money to spend. I realize now what I was doing, which is what I always do.

Here's what would have happened if I had had enough money to join:

Join weight watchers Wednesday, feel temporary relief from the possibility of losing weight, debate whether to start on a wednesday or wait until monday, eat a lot of food while waiting to start weight watchers, monday start counting points again, by friday I am frustrated with all of the food calculating, realize just wasted money to lose weight. (*I don't consider WW a waste of money, but I feel like this plan is a crutch for me and so many other people. How many times have I joined? At least four.)

This is my cycle that is keeping me fat. I've been noticing more and more these little patterns to try and gain control. I will do anything to feel like I'm headed in the right direction by planning to diet and exercise but when it comes to actually doing it, it always falls through. And so the cycle continues.

Stopping is hard because I have to realize that I'm doing all of these things out of comfort and familiarity. Learning to trust myself and my behaviors goes beyond saying that I am working on being intuitive with my diet and exercise. Its actually changing the behavior that is normally so blinding.

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Blogger Losing Waist! said...

I am glad you posted about all of this. It is hard to post for me when things are not going as I planned. It is funny because the expectations of weight loss are not made by anyone but me. Like when I weighed this week and found that I had not lost any weight- I was mortified and a little hesitant to post about it... but who am I posting for and who am I losing weight for? Me. Me. Me. I also realized that I was my only critic and that I was the only one beating me up about my weigh-in. Kind of weird how that works.

I hope you can continue on the "intuitive eating" path. It seemed to give you peace and calm to talk of it last week.

PS... I think I spent enough on Jenny Craig a couple of years ago to pay a year's worth of my rent- no good.

7:59 PM  
Anonymous WannaBe Healthy said...

I've just started my third attempt to lose weight forever (spent money on Medifast and Nutrisystem). I am still learning. One of the things that I think is helpful is to learn to set a goal to eat healthy and exercise after a heavy eating day (Thanksgiving, New Years, Birthday party). That way you can enjoy your food during Holidays and at the same time keep yourself in check.

I am still learning that technique myself. :)

10:19 PM  
Blogger Lyn said...

I think you are very insightful. And level headed. You're gonna get there. It just takes time. Thanks for being a *real* person, and for the inspiration you share.

12:13 AM  
Anonymous Kristine said...

I can totally relate with you. I always end up make excuses for myself when things arent going as planned. Good for you for setting yourself straight and going to the gym.
I found your blog while doing a search, I am so happy I did.

10:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

have been lurking on ur blog for a while now but never commented. just wanted to say, you look sooo pretty on this photo!

7:32 PM  
Blogger Krissie said...

I don't even know how many times I've started WW. And even though the most successful I've ever been at losing and maintaining a loss was when I was doing WW, I just haven't stuck with it since then.

Hey...so when are you heading back to WV? I'd love to head home as well and have some coffee or something. We were at the Huntington Mall a few weeks ago and I thought of you!

7:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just found your blog 30 seconds ago, and when I read this post about your WW cycle, I swear I could have written the exact same thing!!! That is EXACTLY what I do - literally. Thanks for sharing and congratulations on your progress this week!!!

11:03 PM  

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