4/04/2007

Unhappy energy

This morning I had my second visit to the gym around 7am. It's nice going early in the morning when everyone else is asleep and the gym is empty. I rode for 45 minutes on the stationary bike with hill climbs and watched the cosby show. That’s the thing about not having cable, watching TV at the gym is like an extra incentive.

I am still struggling with my lack of (what I'll call) "life energy". I think a lot of people with weight issues use food to fill voids, avoid boredom, and feel happy or comforted. I've read many times when people give up one vice (eating, smoking, alcohol, etc.) they fill the void with a new habit (eating, smoking, alcohol, etc.). I guess I feel like I've felt sad (down, depressed, blue) for along time, but couldn't feel it because I was drowning it in food.

I constantly wonder if other people feel like this or if feeling this down 75% of the time is normal. It's a hard thing to explain to other people, especially people that care about you because they think it has to do with them or something external.

The truth for me is that when I'm happy, I'm happy and I'm not faking it...for the most part. But, I just wish that I felt better on the inside. I feel like I have a lot of positive things in my life right now...I have a good job that pays well, I have a boyfriend that I love and loves me, I have good friends (though far away), good parents/sister, food in my stomach, a nice apartment, a little cat that I love too much, I'm losing weight, exercising and yet I still feel unfulfilled.

A million things go through my mind on why this is...could I just be expecting too much, is it because I lack future direction (I can't be an assistant forever), I have stopped doing the creative things I used to do, my apartment is a constant struggle to keep cleaned, I'm simply not appreciating what I have...on and on and on. I just don't know. And I simply do not always have the energy to pursue the things that do make me happy. Maybe its a constant cycle of sabotage.

I wonder how other people seem so content with their lives, is it real or show and what is their secret? I feel like the things that make me happy are fleeting and somewhat immature, or not tangible. I'm sure this will pass, because it always does, but I know it will keep popping up until I resolve it.

How do I find the hope and energy to do the things that make me happy? How do I find solace and contentment in my life?

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7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you hit on it a lot with the lack of creativity. Creative people like yourself need to be creative or it's like a part of you is not alive. I think I run into something quite similar. I'd probably be there too if I wasn't so preoccupied with other things. I think that's part of the deal with being successful with one thing (money) then you have the time to think about more things. You know there's so many levels to happiness.

BTW, I'm starving. Feels like we have nothing to eat again... I'm going to go out and get some milk and maybe some reasonably healthy chinese for lunch.

Love,

J

1:16 PM  
Anonymous jessica said...

I'm not sure but I've been feeling the same way too. I'm financially stable, have my ducks in a row, got my apartment shaping up nicely, I'm getting things done and being a grown up.

So for the last week I've been a terrible mean bitch to my fantstic boyfriend.

Maybe it has something to do with the "okay, so now what...?" thing. We've both gotten so much accomplished that, while we need to maintain the situation, there's a bit of a hole to be filled.

3:16 PM  
Blogger AFS said...

I feel the same way a lot, too, and it bothers me because I really don't have a whole lot to complain about. I've weighed a lot more than I do now and I've weighed a lot less than I do now and I have not been happier at one extreme than the other. I think a lot of it is that we (at least I am) are so busy with work, cooking, cleaning, etc. that it is hard to take time to do the things that we really enjoy or explore things that we think we would enjoy. Maybe it just takes setting aside a certain amount of time to do those things no matter what. Unfortunately, for me, that's a lot easier said than done.

I'll end this with something I came across that I have to repeat to myself a lot: "...stress can be eliminated by accepting where you are. You are not ahead or behind. You are in the perfect place." Perhaps this can be applied to happiness as well.

6:46 PM  
Blogger Lily T said...

I get like that also. I call it the "blah's". It really sucks, and I when it occured I use to occupy my time with eating. Now that I don't, I'm on the computer. I read in a magazine once that I should just sit with it, but that feeling really sucks. Rather distract myself.

Another thing that might be happening (now don't take this the wrong way) is that you might have mood disorder. Feeling down 75% of the time seems a lot to me.

11:24 PM  
Blogger Krissi said...

I struggle with the lack of direction, too. It's really hard to explain - like being lost in a thick fog, disoriented, and not knowing which is the safe route to take to get back home.

Congrats on the gym commitment! I think you're doing something wonderful for yourself and will be reaping the benefits in no time.

xoxox

11:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The thought of being anywhere but bed at 7 am. inspires awe. "You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din.

D

1:09 PM  
Blogger lovethyself said...

I am facing the same questions about what happiness is and if humans can actually experience it long term. Why would there be so many people doing so many destructive things in this world if we honestly knew exactly what it took to be happy?

Maybe life isn't about finding pure happiness, maybe we chose to come here to experience conflict and in our spiritual permanent state we experience perfection and bliss. We just forget for awhile when we are down here.

MAYBE, giving UP on finding permanent happiness while we're here is the key to finding...happiness and peace.

Maybe the constant pursuit of happiness masks the fact that we've had it all along...maybe we can let go of the idea that what will make us happy is outside of us.

Until I awaken to the truth, I'll be out there in constant pursuit of happiness and I'm not so sure it's reachable "out there."

Maybe I'm just chasing my tail!

Great post.

12:18 PM  

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