weighing in, in the new year

oh yes! I love play on words heh...
so, its the last day of 2006... wow uhm really? yes, time goes by so fast when you are older. I remember when I was a kid and thinking "uoughgkjhakjhf AN HOUR?!, I have to wait AN HOUR?@ jkahdjkhasd" yeah, now its like, "oh my god, I only have an hour?". so time is weird and relative...right?
Weigh in today is dun dun dun...the same as last week! hoorah (I think) because I didn’t gain anything during my post sickness holiday indulgence. Not-so-hoorah because I didn't lose.
So, it’s new years eve and I'm planning on spending the evening with my boyfriend and his band mates at this nice bar in Brooklyn. Plus, free alcohol.
I'm not into drinking as much as I used to be back in the early days of college. I used to be able to drink what seemed like gallons on vodka without so much as passing out and living to laugh about it the next day...while in line at the dorm cafeteria. Those post-binge drinking breakfasts were coveted regardless of how greasy it was on queasy stomachs.

Its time for those annual new years resolutions. Some people like them and other people scoff at them. Im a lover of new years resolutions, if only to take time to reflect on the previous year and goals toward the next year. I have some good quotes wondering around in my head right now that really reflect where I believe I am headed...the first one is "when you die, no one will thank you for not living your life and following your dreams" the other is "the time is going to go by whether or not you decide to change and do something in that time". Those aren’t exact, but they really reflect something that is bubbling inside of me lately.
Its a defiant kick in the pants the day you realize you have control over your life and your direction...and that those "one days" are today. The reality is setting in that what I am doing today takes me into what I will become. A lot of people never realize this and get stuck in the "one day I will be, do, become" and I honestly believe that we all at some point think we will become something by doing nothing, because that’s what happened in school. We were all put in these situations to learn, grow, meet new people and then one day it’s not required and the learning and growing becomes something we choose to do or not do.
I went to acting class yesterday, and I wont lie, yesterday morning I thought "I wont go, I cant go...I'll call in sick" ...I was scared and lazy. The idea of change and doing something different was stinging. The bed was calling my name to linger my fears and the risk of something new was doing their best to keep me from going. I told it to shut up, got in the shower and headed to acting class. The commute is pretty insane for those of us that hate walking up millions of steps...I believe around 500 to and from is memory serves me correctly. I felt good for going and our teacher praised us for showing up and taking the risk to do something good. I couldn’t be more happy about that decision.

I look at the past year and I look at someone who decided not to settle. I've made plenty of mistakes and plenty of hard and even bad decisions, but I really grew and filled in these little holes in my heart. I find that when things aren't working in my life that I want to be in denial about it wreaks havoc on other parts of my life.
Bad jobs, bad relationships and situations where we are no longer growing can take a toll on our health and life. Sometimes I wonder what this obsession with food stems from and I feel that the more alive I become and more life I start living the less I depend on food and unhealthy habits to fulfill me.
So currently, I am in a relationship with someone who supports me in every possible way, he cares for me and loves me, but we have independence outside of each other. He continues to say things that always amaze me and he makes me feel beautiful and special even when I feel far from both.

I'm out of school which could either be seen as "taking a break" or preparing for a future return. It was hard for me to decide to stop going and it was something I thought about since I started going. I'm so glad that I went, but I'm also glad I got out before I was in even more student loan debt and buried in bad grades. I kept thinking "it shouldn’t be like this", and it shouldn’t be. If I'm investing myself into something that is taking time in my life and money and energy , I should be there 100% and getting the most of it, not waiting for it end. I was worried about what other people would think would they call me a failure, someone who gives up easily and didn’t try, would I never be able to find a job...what will happen?
I took that risk and I found out. I found out that I have control over my education, my direction, my income and my ability to not use school as a crutch for not fulfilling my dreams. I want to go back and I really look forward to going back when I'm ready.

Back to New Years resolutions, this year I want them to be a little different. Instead of “lose weight, exercise, be nice”…I want to change what is causing me not to do those things the year before. I want to start with my self-esteem which will be the main focus for 2007 for me. Learning to become who I am and accepting that person- showing myself to people, new friends and old. To stop apologizing for who I am or want to be and relying on people on situations (food) to make me feel good. So the number one goal of 2007 is to build my self esteem, to avoid “toxic” people and to use exercise and better eating habits to cater to this goal. I also have a couple of self esteem work books and will update in this blog about my journey to better self-esteem. I sound like such a corn ball right now, huh? So anyway, exercise is apart of the goal and just overall awareness. When I feel like I’m starting to push things in the back and avoiding tough situations, I want to face them head on. I don’t want to be someone that cannot talk about theirs life and suppress my feelings for fear of what someone might think. For the most part, I’m an open book, but I see people around me who are good at faking the “problem free” life and I can see the damage it does.

And then there are the other resolutions that I always have (heh) … take vitamins, wash my face before bed, lose a million pounds, brush my teeth more often, avoid dessert, whiter teeth, be nicer to people and stay away from them during PMS (haha), try new things, take more classes, journal, learn, grow, smile, sing, dance….be happy. Heres to 2007, I’m excited, are you?

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