what am i waiting for?

The dreaded photo shoot wasn't so bad after all. I sometimes (er a lot of the time) tend to make mole hills out of ant hills and I end up regretting how I react in certain situations. So, lets be honest, I was dreading it because I am fat and the extra attention on my appearance makes me want to hide under my covers. Which got me to thinking about me and life and people. I know that is vague, but I wonder if we (me and anyone else) avoid situations on some unconscious level because we are insecure about our weight? I mean, some things are obviously avoided because of my weight. Like mountain climbing or horse back riding. But, there must be many more things that are uncomfortable to me that I avoid doing on a day to day basis.

I think about comfort a lot, as I tend to try to avoid it, but really being overweight and staying overweight is about creating an environment where I feel safe and secure. I tend to avoid things where I don't feel like less of a person. There are day to day things that I cannot avoid that give me anxiety. Riding in a train is one of them. I hate sitting on trains and actually have seats that I prefer to sit in towards the end of the train because I feel like its less obvious that I'm taking up one and a fourth seats- preventing someone from sitting down. I get embarrassed when someone sits beside me and I feel my thighs tightened as to avoid touching the person beside me. It is agony.

I don't have much of a social life in NY other than my co-workers and when I did adventure out once or twice on my own to make friends, I felt self-conscious and weird. I know that there are over weight people that are type a personalities and I envy them at times. It's hard to make friends when you are a type b personality, who is insecure about her weight and slighty at times (overly) quirky. I can sometimes mask my social weirdnesses and blend in and enjoy myself around new people. I put on a false-confident "I am fabulous and people like me" front and I get by. But it never feels real. Going out of my comfort zone today, was very hard when it was happening, and yet very empowering and rewarding afterwards. Which has me wondering about my comfort zones. I make excuses for not doing things, and not meeting new friends. They are like this: they won't like me, what do normal people talk about?, I don't feel well, I have too much to do, I should clean the house, it's easier to stay home.

There were fifteen of us who had our picture taken today and it was obvious who was comfortable with the situation and who was not. The ones that were very camera friendly, could be described as very likable/comfortable/secure happy people. And it makes me disappointed that I am not more at ease with smiling or being more open and warm. It was hard to have someone do my makeup while saying "i've done everyones makeup, even celebrities, trust me I can do your makeup so much better". Gee thanks. And then the hair stylist insisting that he put more "oomph" in my limp hair. I don't deal well with superficial people, or people who buy things just because of social status reasons or spend great deals of time on their looks to fit in or impress people. But, perhaps my semi-(extreme?) apathy about my own looks is not the way to go either? The thing about living in NYC, is that more people than not are very attractive. And it is sometimes disheartening for the ugly duckling.

I am looking forward to seeing the pictures and will share them as soon as I get them back. Other than my initial weirdness about the whole thing, it was good and I'm glad I got to have a real photo shoot in NYC, with makeup artists and hair stylists and a professional photographer. I got to pretend to be a (plus-sized) model for a day. I will defiantly write more about this whole comfort zone stuff as I feel like I'm onto something.

Also, on my walk in Manhattan I found a boutique that was going out of business. They had those great quote magnets that I love on sale, so I bought the one that reads "What are you waiting for?" for the refrigerator. I really love that.

So, eating wasn't too good today as we had food at the shoot, so I dipped into flex. And I'm okay with that, thats what flex points are for. I'd also like to note that the tall skim milk iced caramel macchiato (sp?) has only 140 calories and 1 gram of fat. Pretty good, right? And so very tasty.

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Blogger Shelby said...

I related so much to your post today that I just wanted to give you a big (HUG). I've never been obese, so I'm not going to pretend to know what it's like, although I was exactly one pound away from it prior to beginning my lifestyle change.

However, I have ALWAYS felt that social awkwardness that you're talking about, the unease that comes with going outside of your comfort zone. I think probably everybody feels that way sometimes, and that outgoing people may just have broader comfort zones than those of us that are more introverted.

I applaud your efforts to push yourself despite your weight. I've been doing the same thing; trying to face my social fears and push myself to grow. And even though I've lost almost all of the weight I wanted to, I'm STILL completely self-conscious and socially awkward. It got a bit better, but I still am who I am.

Heck, even this comment was awkward. ;)

Ummmm... anyway, yeah, just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

10:38 AM  
Blogger Ready to Shrink said...

You are an amazing wonderful woman. All the external beauty in the world doesn't change a person's insides. Remember that when you are walking down the street.

11:47 AM  
Blogger Kriss said...

Oh, honey. You are NOT an ugly duckling.

I'm glad you sort of enjoyed the photo shoot; but the makeup & hair people sound so rude. Maybe they're ashamed of their own ugliness, and needed to project it onto you & your beauty.

8:26 PM  
Blogger Takeonestripperpole said...

Hi there ... been reading for a bit and finally wanted to comment. I so know how you feel ... that shame and wanting to hide. I live across country from my folks and I am always worried when I fly ... squeezing my legs together for five hours, hoping my fat does not spill over the arm rest ... seeing their face as they realize they have to sit next to the fat person. In life there are lots of times I do not do things because I am obese. Go to social events is at the top of the list ... even when it is a friends ... I usually stay home. Oh and I live in SoCal ... let's discuss the number of skinny beautiful people ... lol.

Have a photo shoot of my own this weekend ... so we will see how it turns out.

Big Hugs!

10:54 PM  
Anonymous Lynn said...

Great job at not letting life get in your way. Keep trying to lose the weight and if you like snacks I suggest you go to my website and see what is there. A lot of natural products that give energy, increase metabolism and will help you lose that weight. See my site at: www.briasweightloss.com

1:57 PM  

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