holding on

Have you ever had that feeling physically and mentally when this excitement starts bubbling up, it feels like a deep rooted urgency to do and be the very thing you have discovered. The feeling you get, when you finally get something.

I think writing, thinking, reading and learning has fed this new understanding of not only how to lose weight, but why. On the very surface, I’ve felt that I should lose weight to look better, feel better, and to be healthier. A little beyond that I have felt that I wanted to lose weight to feel accepted, to not use my weight as an excuse (why don’t they like me? It must be my fat!), to wear the clothes that I want to. And on the surface I got that.

About a month ago I discovered a young mans blog on CNN. His name is Miles Levin (google him for his blog, you have to register with Care Pages to read). Every week I get an email from his site telling me that he or someone in his family has updated. The unique thing about his blog--is that he is an 18 year old cancer patient. Despite his struggles with cancer he (and his mother) write some of the most insightful true-to-life words that I have ever read. He writes about the hells of chemotherapy, graduation, experiences and his perception of life. He holds on life -the moments he shares with friends and family, and its so hard to read about someone who desperately wants to live…to make it to the next season- fall…to go to college, get married, have kids, get old, smell flowers, run, to be alive. He wants to live. The urgency of his words and the knowing and accepting of his ultimate death makes me ache for him. I want to bottle life up for him, the kisses, the wind, the ocean, the negative, the sweet, the books and movies…everything and ship it away to him when he passes.

The thing is, Miles knows he is going to die, he doesn’t know when and he has accepted that. He is soaking up as much of life as he can.

But, don’t we all know this? Don’t we all know that one day we will die? Most of us, lucky enough to have health and life cannot live life like its our last day, because well…we would quit our jobs, cash in the savings and do many fun things without regard to the future. But, is it possible to be alive and appreciate life with hopeful regard to the future?

My point is, is that for whatever reason, like seemingly a lot of people I’ve succumbed to living a half life. I have very sweet moments, but there are so many times that I go through the motions, get caught up in the negative, fight the wrong battles and take advantage of my body and health as if it were here forever. There are things that I want in life and somehow disconnect dreams with reality. Living a so-so life just isn’t acceptable to me anymore. When I die, no one will thank me for not living my life. I don’t mean to be so cliché. Part of me fears being the best I can, what will people think? Do I deserve the best? What is the best? I know deep down that I have been punishing my life with food and self-pity for reasons that ultimately are not that important.

I have a new understanding that I don’t have enough time to be mediocre. I don’t have enough energy to cater to the insecurities of other people. I don’t have enough time to sabotage my health. I don’t have enough time to not live my life. I don’t have time to take for granted my friends and family. I don’t have time to not be the person I dream to be.

I know now that the reason why I want to lose weight (among other things) has nothing to do with blending in, its about caring and valuing my life and health now. I don’t care much for blending in anyway.

I thank Miles deeply for sharing his words with the world.

"I conclude from this successful transformation in outlook that, to a large extent, a person can make the conscious decision to change their attitude--much more so than I previously thought. It's not effortless; it definitely takes a certain enduring conviction. And in all fairness, by genetic predisposition, some will find simply deciding to be happy easier and some will find it harder, depending on their neurochemical makeup.

But I want to tell you that it's possible."-Miles Levin

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Blogger Krissie said...

Holy cow. Your post today hit me where I need to be hit. I'm going to link to it today. I am not living a half-life today. Thank you.

7:35 AM  
Blogger Lorrie said...

Krissie, Thank you for linking to me! Heres to not living a half-life!

12:20 PM  

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