following my own path

I made it through a whole week on plan! Towards the end of the week I was just logging my points on WW.com, but will update my food log sometime today.

My weigh in today is 278.5. Which is basically where I seem to be landing lately after a week of food watching and added exercise, and then slip away. This time, I am determined to get down past 278 and keep going for another round of week two. (and three and four and so on)

The good this week:
Made a an effort to eat less, and still have treats (still, possibly too many treats)
Walked up the five flights of stairs to my apartment several times (although forced due to the elevator breaking)
Took walks during my free time at work

The bad:
Ate most of my points in cookie dough yesterday (that I didn't even really want) and had to force myself to throw the tube away before it went any further.
Ate out too much this past week due to lack of groceries and lack of washed dishes
Didn't go to the gym, or participate in any formal exercise

I'm still working on cleaning up and clearing out the apartment today. And I feel the energy stirring and shifting. It feels like things feel lighter and generally more happy when I clean. I hope to get everything done today and make a conscious effort to keep everything like this on the day to day. I'm having a lot of visitors in the month of March and I feel I should keep things presentable. Also, this is the month of my birthday, so on the 14th I will be 25.

Which is making me feel like I need to get a lot done before I turn 25. I know its silly to create a big deal out of another day, but this one feels different. Turning 25 for me feels like an extra push to do all of the things I've been planning for. Sort of like I've been drawing up a map, ready to use at any time. A map, which will prove to be full of detours I'm sure, but sort of a small realization of the direction I want to head in.

I guess to make that more clear : I will be following my creative dreams. I have been doing a lot of work lately as far as learning new programs, learning new techniques, researching and studying what other people are doing, working on design ideas, preparing an online portfolio, and just in general trying to find answers for all of my questions. I've always been a creative person, it has just been a manner of figuring out how and where to channel that creative energy. A huge thing with creativity is being confident with yourself and your work. And I can say that for a long time I have not felt good enough. That feeling seems to stretch across the whole of me through and through and is a common thread in my life. The feeling like I can do something better than average is a feeling that I rarely experience. I am constantly second guessing myself. And now, I am telling myself to simply stop. There are people who do so-so work and are successful independently because they believe in what they do and they feel good about it. Not that I am to do so-so work, but I see the value in being genuinely confident. There is value in self-love.

I refuse to continue letting myself keep me down. There is subtle madness in my methods that if observed by anyone for too long they would surely see that deep down I am sabotaging myself out of fear. I keep things chaotic in my living space to prevent myself from actually being engaged in my surroundings. I have notebook after notebook filled with thoughts, ideas and plans. But, my life reflects little action. I sub cum to feelings of inadequacies so I don't have to feel how uncomfortable it is to actually do something and work towards something.

I know that being aware of this is slowly helping me chip away at it, I just need to cut off fear and rejection like an infected arm.

There has been a lot of wedding planning and finalization in the decision as to where to actually have it. It looks as though now we will be holding the wedding in Floyd VA, Josh's home town and my new home in September. Which seems to have been the obvious choice all along. His mom is the owner of a very innovative hotel. Innovative in its care and consideration of the earth and natural resources. And she has graciously offered to let us rent out her hotel for the weekend.

So, I say all of this to say that all of this decision making is making the whole thing real in my mind. Which is a very happy thing indeed and also the extra push I need to continue working on my health and appearance.

I have to laugh at myself because as I quickly approach 25 I find myself saying "I have a lot to do! I'm almost 25!"