Getting started...again

Went to the new gym on Tuesday. There are a few pluses and minuses compared to the gym in Brooklyn. The good? Less people, far less people. A steam room and sauna. Decent cardio machine selection. The low? Dated, weight machines although they still work well. 40 minute drive to and from. No personal TV's on cardio machines. Very few exercise classes.

We've broken our weight training into two sections for a twice a week visit. Workout A and B. Plus 45-60 minutes of cardio. Tomorrow is workout B. For the other days of the week cardio is at home.

And to what I've been wanting to blog about: balance. Does anyone else feel like weight loss is a constant state of on again, off, and then back on again? I want more balance in my weight loss efforts, to blur the lines between the days of trying to lose weight and the other more foggy days of stress, inconvenience and laziness.

I can see my own faults in other people: the diet game. I can't help but feel that true health and weight loss comes not when you start doing something new, but when you find a way to make what you currently do to work for your goals. I

What I mean is, there are principles of diet programs that I can really appreciate. However, every time I hear someone talk about the new diet they are on, or hear someone say they are trying the same diet that didn't work for them the first five times again I always wonder how successful they will be. I know that is negative, but I've been there and while I think there are isolated instances when diets do work, I always feel a pull in thinking "there must be a better way". Everything is so black and white with me and dieting, its this way or that way. I'm eating a lot or monitoring what I eat in a careful science. That is not balanced, and I feel like I've been using dieting and all that it entails as a crutch and its only keeping me fat longer.

The science of weight loss is very interesting to me. I found out recently that I could lose 3 lbs a week while eating 1,800 calories and with vigorous exercise for an hour a day. How cool is that? I know all about calorie counting, it is arduous and tedious at best. Sometimes when I'm not counting calories, I still find myself tallying them in my head at the end of the day.

It's not that I mind counting calories, I just don't see myself doing it for years and years. I agree eventually you get used to the amount of food you should eat. I think the calorie counting game gets especially tricky when it comes to maintenance, when you've gradually chipped away at your daily calorie allotment. I once heard Bob Greene say "I've never met anyone who should be eating less than 1,500 calories a day".

When I did weight watchers, I started out at about 34 points. And to be totally honest, part of me saw that number as a life raft that I desperately hung onto. Each 10 lbs. lost meant less food I could eat and I swear on some level I was fearful of how little I could eat when I reached my goal.

So where does that leave me? I want balance. I want weight loss. I want sanity. I want self-love. I want activity.

I've lost 60 lbs in the past two years and I'm still many miles away from where I want to be weight wise. How will I get there? There are principles of diet programs that I have learned a lot from, the day off diet has taught me that I don't need as much sugar as I seem to want, and the absence of it makes me want it less. Weight watchers taught me about moderation and goal setting. Can I unite my dieting self and not dieting self.

Dieting-self thinks about every meal, every calorie, every pound. She studies the scale: is it water weight?, why am i not losing?, ooh, lost 5 lbs! lets eat! It goes like that. She worries about losing control, she worries about food, she worries about it all constantly and feels guilty, she worries that it won't work. Not-dieting-self is more carefree, she enjoys her meals, loves finding new recipes to cook, she enjoys all foods: nutritional and not so much. She sometimes loses control, she sometimes bakes too much, but most of the time she isn't thinking about food at all. She eats when she is hungry and less when she feels bored.

I'm thinking about eating the foods I enjoy, but much less of them. Making efforts to eat the best possible foods. Planning ahead. Meal Planning. Enjoyment. Self-Love. Exercise. Losing weight.