make it work

I haven’t been too active on the blog this week with posts or food updates. Josh has been out of town for a week now and its kind of weird being in the apartment without him. I was looking forward to this time alone to catch up with stuff and to just experience life here without another person, but I think being alone has made me feel lazy and lonely.

It sort of brought light to the fact that I am alone in this city without him. Sure, I have co-workers and all of that, but I don’t have friends or family here and I found myself wanting to have visitors, but had no one to visit. My eating this week was sporadically good and sporatically filled boredom and lonely eating that I try to stay away from. I was eating stuff that I didn’t even really like, and thought “why am I eating this crap?” but not really stopping either.

The past week made me realize that I have been relying too heavily on Josh. I don’t feel as though I am needy towards him, but I do feel like I have been relying too heavily on him for fulfillment in my own life. Since moving here, I haven’t really gotten into a groove of doing things that I love to do on my own. I’m a creative person, and I can count on one hand the number of things I’ve made since moving here.

In my mind, the life that consists of work, eating, tv and sleeping isn’t the one for me, but I haven’t really broken into the habit of creating and doing. This past week has opened my eyes to the reality of needing to create my own life that is satisfying and creative outside of my relationship. I feel that my lack of doing and creating has made me unhappy and for the most part grouchy. I often ask myself “whats going on? Why am I so angry?” and the answer is so obvious now…I’m not filling my life up in the ways that I know I really want to. I think the biggest challenge in life is creating balance.

Right now I’m trying to create the balance of being a girlfriend, an employee, someone who goes to the gym, eats well, doesn’t live in unorganized surroundings, stays in touch with family and friends that aren’t in ny, finding friends who are in ny, being creative, working on projects, learning new skills and ways to make a living that is satisfying. Oh, and finding time to sleep. Can it all be done?

One aspect of my character that I like lately is that instead of giving up on happiness or giving up on my health when it gets hard, I feel proud that I am thinking “okay, this isn’t working, let me try something else” and I keep trying until it works. I was telling my mom about my situation at the gym recently in relation to life. I really hated getting on the treadmill or stationary bike, and I thought something was wrong with me because other people liked it or didn’t seem to mind it. I kept thinking “it will click” I will like this sort of thing or I thought “if I care about my health, I will do this”, but it wasn’t about either of those things, it just wasn’t what worked for me and I couldn’t stick with it. And then I stepped out of my comfort zone and starting taking the cardio kick class. Now, I’m headed into my 5th week of class and I still love it and look forward to going.

The part that I love about this is that I didn’t give up on exercise just because I didn’t like other variations of it. I relate this to other parts of my life, whatever the goal is I have to make it work for me instead of looking at what works for someone else.

So, I guess the point of this entry is that I look forward to making my life. It isn't ever going to be perfect and I was a bit off schedule this week, but I have today and thats really all I ever need to keep going.

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Blogger Yin Teing said...

Hi Lorrie,
Came across your blog and I feel you have done well indeed! I also have a blog which records my journey to sugar reduction. We will have our ups and downs but as long as we persists, we'll succeed for sure :)

11:20 AM  
Blogger Krissie said...

I am amazed by your blog today.
I am inspired by your words. As long as we seek to better ourselves and avoid feelings of defeat, we are growing and thriving. If we didn't recognize the things we needed to change, we'd be stagnant. That's no fun.
I love your pictures. You are beautiful!

11:08 PM  
Blogger Lady T said...

i can relate here on many levels......i've never been really into treadmills, yet i have been forcing myself onto one for the past 3 weeks (well not last weeks....the 3 weeks before that....then i also feel that i have built much of my life and activites around LR.......he'll be moving at the end of August...and i wont be going with him....this past weekend i bought a pair of knitting needles and a book on how to knit. i have wanted to learn for a long time...and with him gone....i will certainly have time to pursue the activites that i have not done in too long and new things i want to start.

and thanks for the post....i have been craving candy for the last hour....but i will push through it.....and i will be okay. and if for some reason i fall into a vat of M&Ms...i will not cry...i will nto beat myself up. i will get back up and get on that damn treadmill....and i will make a healthier decision the next meal.

4:17 PM  

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