Body Dysmorphia: the other side?

Thanks to those who took the time to share their thoughts and opinions on the last entry. Yet, another reason why I love blogging!

I still stand by my initial thought about the dangers in the message regarding telling folks that you cannot lose weight, or that some people even if they eat a balanced diet and exercise consistently, will never lose weight. There is a layer of denial in the "fat/obese/overweight" community that does exist. And that, well, isn't deniable.

I was talking to someone recently (I hope they don't mind I share this story) who spoke to me about not seeing their weight in the mirror or in their head. It wasn't until they looked at photographs were they genuinly surprised by their weight. I could totally relate to this and wonder why this type of body dysmorphia isn't talked about? We always hear the story of the skinny girl looking in the mirror and seeing someone who is twice her weight. In her head she imagines being overweight and stops eating because of it. How could the opposite of this not be any less dangerous?

How many times have we heard the story of the women who was inspired to lose weight after she saw a photo of herself. I read it all the time "I was looking at pictures of myself during vacation and couldn't believe how much I've let myself go". It seems obvious for most people of average weight to think "how in the world can you not SEE how big you are?". But, I think for a lot of us, our minds play tricks and keep us in this bubble of denial. Being fat is hard, mentally and physically. And when we are in pain, is it not possible that our minds would then try to keep us from feeling the pain by presenting a better picture in our head?

Honestly, when I think about memories or events and I think about myself, in my head, I never see the reality of it. Sometimes when I see a picture someone took and they show it to me I sometimes secretly freak out and think "but, I thought I looked so much thinner, how could I be that big!?" And in reality what else would 260+ look like on a 5'4 frame? I know I can't be the only one that experiences this.

I feel like because I have acknowledge it, I can become more aware of how harmful it is to think this way. The pro-fat message is so tempting sometimes. I don't think weight loss comes out of self-hate and shock over fat pictures, it comes from a deep understanding and appreciation of health. To me, its not about being one size or another, its about regaining confidence and truly seeing how I really am in the mirror.

One thing I've personally noticed, is that when I'm not trying to lose weight, or when things are just sort of willy nilly food wise. Thats when the denial is strongest. I see someone else entirely, it becomes normal to eat junk food, or in my mind "like everyone else". And then as soon as I'm in weight loss mode, the blinders come off and I experience the pain I am trying to hide. Every pound that is lost, a layer of denial is shed, and sometimes that picture is very sad to me. Seeing the truth is painful. And perhaps why I've perpetually kept myself from losing weight in the past.

For me, when I start taking care of myself, I start seeing how much I've neglected and abused my body with food over the years. And that pain, and guilt is intense, and sometimes to make it go away, to make everything feel better I regress back into old habits. I put the denial shades back on, and sometimes the scenery becomes a lot nicer. This isn't a conclusion to anything, simply a personal observation.