mirror,mirror
This week was a productive week weight loss wise; I am teeter tottering on the scale between 268 and 270. I'll do an official weigh-in in the morning.
I did not count points past wednesday, but I practiced a lot of intuitive eating which has been a refreshing change.
I recently bought a couple of new skirts and trouser jeans from old navy (online- gasp!) and they are all a size 22! I once read a comment on someone's blog saying "does anyone even wear a size 22?" yes, me!
About a year ago I measured my waist and wrote down 45-46 inches (that’s hard to put out there) and just recently I measured my waist for the brides maids dress, and I was surprised to see that my waist is now 40.5 inches. It’s nice to see weight loss not only in pounds, but inches.
I was going to comment on "fat acceptance" last week, but after I got into writing on the subject I became overwhelmed with history and facts. It is hard to describe, but I feel that in a way the message of fat acceptance (to fat people not the rest of the world) is to accept oneself at whatever weight. Which I feel makes sense for those who are at a healthy weight for their body, but still feel fat. (IE: Some fight that you can be overweight and healthy, which I can somewhat agree to, but I’ve yet to meet a healthy obese person)
I on the other hand have not been at a healthy weight for my body since the 3rd grade. I've never felt ugly, despite the message I get from everyone else on a daily basis. I've felt awkward, dumb, lazy, out of control, and misplaced because of my weight, but never once did I personally think I was ugly. Frankly, at my highest weight of around 315, I never saw a morbidly obese person in the mirror. The proof was there, but like an anorexic person that sees fat on a thin frame, I merely saw chubby. I never see it until I see photos of myself sitting down, or at side angle. Then I cringe, destroy the photo and swear to never eat anything but carrots until I am thin. The denial is self admittedly there and has kept me from thinking “this is a problem”. I would think, “I’m beautiful and curvy” but the truth is that I should never have accepted this way of living that in a lot of ways has diminished the quality of my life. I wondered how many people feel like this until I read the latest entry by 101 reasons I hate being fat. In her eye opening entry she says:
”I know a lot of people have disorders where they perceive that they are much heavier than they are. Like those anorexic chicks that think they are completely obese. I've always said that I have the opposite problem I've always felt I looked thinner than I actually was. Maybe this is why I've maintained a relatively solid ego all these years, cause I never really felt I was so fat. Maybe that's why I got so fat anyway, cause I never noticed the pounds creeping on. So I've always known I was at least chubby, and in my mind's eye I see myself as about 180 or 190, when in fact I'm more like 260-something.”
So it gets weird, the more weight that I lose the more I can start seeing the truths about my weight. I am fat, not curvy. I am healthier than I was a year ago, but I still have a long ways to go. I have to understand that staying fat was not out of love for my body. Its hard for everyone to admit when they have been wrong. I feel like I am slowly admitting to myself that I have been wrong about my health. I don’t want to continue putting excuses and denial in the same slot as truth and health.
I did not count points past wednesday, but I practiced a lot of intuitive eating which has been a refreshing change.
I recently bought a couple of new skirts and trouser jeans from old navy (online- gasp!) and they are all a size 22! I once read a comment on someone's blog saying "does anyone even wear a size 22?" yes, me!
About a year ago I measured my waist and wrote down 45-46 inches (that’s hard to put out there) and just recently I measured my waist for the brides maids dress, and I was surprised to see that my waist is now 40.5 inches. It’s nice to see weight loss not only in pounds, but inches.
I was going to comment on "fat acceptance" last week, but after I got into writing on the subject I became overwhelmed with history and facts. It is hard to describe, but I feel that in a way the message of fat acceptance (to fat people not the rest of the world) is to accept oneself at whatever weight. Which I feel makes sense for those who are at a healthy weight for their body, but still feel fat. (IE: Some fight that you can be overweight and healthy, which I can somewhat agree to, but I’ve yet to meet a healthy obese person)
I on the other hand have not been at a healthy weight for my body since the 3rd grade. I've never felt ugly, despite the message I get from everyone else on a daily basis. I've felt awkward, dumb, lazy, out of control, and misplaced because of my weight, but never once did I personally think I was ugly. Frankly, at my highest weight of around 315, I never saw a morbidly obese person in the mirror. The proof was there, but like an anorexic person that sees fat on a thin frame, I merely saw chubby. I never see it until I see photos of myself sitting down, or at side angle. Then I cringe, destroy the photo and swear to never eat anything but carrots until I am thin. The denial is self admittedly there and has kept me from thinking “this is a problem”. I would think, “I’m beautiful and curvy” but the truth is that I should never have accepted this way of living that in a lot of ways has diminished the quality of my life. I wondered how many people feel like this until I read the latest entry by 101 reasons I hate being fat. In her eye opening entry she says:
”I know a lot of people have disorders where they perceive that they are much heavier than they are. Like those anorexic chicks that think they are completely obese. I've always said that I have the opposite problem I've always felt I looked thinner than I actually was. Maybe this is why I've maintained a relatively solid ego all these years, cause I never really felt I was so fat. Maybe that's why I got so fat anyway, cause I never noticed the pounds creeping on. So I've always known I was at least chubby, and in my mind's eye I see myself as about 180 or 190, when in fact I'm more like 260-something.”
So it gets weird, the more weight that I lose the more I can start seeing the truths about my weight. I am fat, not curvy. I am healthier than I was a year ago, but I still have a long ways to go. I have to understand that staying fat was not out of love for my body. Its hard for everyone to admit when they have been wrong. I feel like I am slowly admitting to myself that I have been wrong about my health. I don’t want to continue putting excuses and denial in the same slot as truth and health.
posted by Lorrie at 7:16 AM
7 Comments:
I so can totally relate to this entry! When I became overweight, I was in a state of denial. I perceived myself as still pretty. But I really wasn’t pretty. I think it was a defense mechanism. I think you are actually pretty even with the weight. You look cubby (which is cute), while I looked fat (which is ugly). Now that I am losing weight, I’m becoming more self-conscious of my imperfections! I think maybe because I’m at a weight where my psyche can handle the awareness.
amen.
its only as i have begun to lose weight that i have taken a realistic look at my body. seen it for what it was...i've used the terms "fluffy" and "yumminess" to describe my fat...and these pretty words made all the "fluffiness"...pretty. and i liked it...and my bf liked it...so i was living in my own little "yummy bubble"
but seeing pictures of myself this year...popped it. and i had to face the facts....you're right. you can't be chubby when you're morbidly obese. which is what i am...and have been for a long time. i am past "voluptuous". past "curvy", and waaaaay past "thick".
i'm fat.
only when i was able to see it. and accept it, was i able to begin changing it.
love your honesty and straight forward, right-on self reflection. I am rooting for you....
wanted to share this link:
http://www.poundy.com
No matter what-- you're on the right track!
Good for you!
This is a great post. It's crazy how our mind can play tricks on us. Thanks for sharing, it's not just about losing weight but how our minds work, that makes it so confusing.
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